THANKFUL LIST

I am thankful for my God (the Only God) who loves me no matter what!

I am thankful for a little baby girl (almost 2 years old!) who has curly hair and spends most of her time being naughty ;0)

I am thankful for a little boy (almost 3 years old) who taught princess naughty everything she

knows!

I am thankful for an 8 year old boy who is tender-hearted and amazingly artistic - AND a little crazy!

I am thankful for a 10 year old Diva-Princess who radiates mercy and love!

I am thankful for a 13 year old son who still loves his mom and tells his x-box live friends about Jesus!

I am thankful for a husband who loves his family, is extremely handsome, and is also just hilarious!

I am thankful for our birth-mom who chose to give our daughter life and then place her in our arms - even though it was one of the hardest things she has ever done.

I am thankful for the soft, pink blanket that was lost and could never have been fully replaced- which got found!

I am thankful for my precious friends (both here and overseas) who are getting to share the message of Jesus with people who have never heard the Truth!

I am thankful for co-workers who love me even on the roughest of days.

I am thankful for my church family who extend grace in ways I have never seen before!

I am thankful for Don and Mary Campbell who love me and have blessed my family in ways that I can’t put into words.

I am thankful for our adoption agency and their heart for the Lord!

I am thankful for the opportunities I have to love people every day.

I am thankful for the freezer full of deer meat which will feed our family all year long!

I am thankful for roommates who love Jesus and are a hoot to live with!

I am thankful for a car that holds our whole family!

I am thankful for the sounds of little feet running across the floor in the middle of the night.

I am thankful for a fireplace that we use instead of a heater almost all winter!

I am thankful for my relatives that I only get to see a few times a year. Praise God that most of them know Jesus!

I am thankful for the friends I am still in contact with that helped teach me about Jesus when I was little - and helped me get through the most difficult times of my life.

I am thankful for my children who forgive me even when I am short on temper and long on talking loudy (otherwise known as yelling). :0(

I am thankful for simple pleasures (laying on the trampoline on sunny days watching as the clouds remind me of God’s power and majesty).

I am thankful for chocolate milk. No, really, I mean it.

I am thankful for memories of drinking chocolate milk with my daddy while we watched Wylie Coyote.

I am thankful that I got to take care of my mom as she suffered with the pain of sickness - and I am thankful that my ridiculous attempts at playing the piano brought her joy. I am thankful that I got to be the one who sat beside her as she cried about her weakness. I am thankful that I got to sing to her - and I am thankful for the way that she loved to hear me sing. Precious. Precious memories...

I am thankful that my parents introduced me to Jesus when I was really young - and I’ve had the benefit of His presence my whole life.

I am thankful that I am chosen by God.

I am thankful that I am loved beyond measure.

I am thankful that this world is not all there is.

I am thankful that Jesus would have died on the cross - just for me. And thankful that He died just for you too.

I am thankful that there is a better life waiting.

I am thankful that we all have purpose. And I am especially thankful for those who are living out their purpose daily.

I am thankful for a quiet day and a good book.

I am thankful for a noisy, hard day and a lot of weary news- because it gives God a great opportunity to bring Himself glory in the midst of the pain.

I am thankful for beautiful scenery - and colder weather.

These are just a FEW things that I am thankful for. Every hour I could add to this list....

I am thankful for YOU - who read my list all the way through. Yep, YOU - I am thankful for YOU!

Life...

Life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls doesn’t it? We get up - eat - shower - work - sleep and start all over again (maybe not in that order exactly, but some combination of those things I would think).

Why are we here? What is the point? What happens when we die? What happens when something takes ahold of our world (our personal world) and shakes it - takes it by force and seems to crumble everything we know into little pieces?

I have Jesus. I don’t just know about Jesus. I know Jesus - as my personal Hero - the Savior of my soul and of my every day. I don’t fully know Jesus. But, I am fully known by Jesus. I have Him. And He is sufficient. He is more than able... He is abundant life. He is the One who helps me when those questions need answering. My brother’s wife said it this way, “it is amazing how quickly things can change. I'm so grateful to know the One who doesn't...” So true. Things catch me off guard way more than I would like to admit. But, in the midst of life’s biggest challenges - I have refuge under the wings of the One who knew before I was born that whatever thing I’m dealing with, would come into my life. Wow. That concept is just life-altering. Why would I doubt the One who breathed my first breath of life into me - and who continues to know the number of my days?

I love this. The first account - Genesis 2:7, “Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.” NLT

And then this, Job 12:10, “In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”

How about, Isaiah 42:5, “This is what God the LORD says— the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out, who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it:”

And finally, Acts 17:24 - 26 “The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation”

This life is not some cosmic joke. This life is not really about this life at all. This life is about pointing people to the One who began it all - and the One who will finish what He began. It is about the ‘ministry of reconciliation’ for those of us who have taken literally the offer to become Christ’s Ambassadors. It is not about “tolerance” and “all roads lead to Glory” at all - instead it is about the One who gives us free choice to accept Truth and what He has done - and in return offers eternal life - a gift we could never earn - but a gift that is free for everyone. This is not about tolerance. This is not about peace - though there will come a time where peace will reign and the lion will lay down with the lamb. This is not about popularity or trying hard enough. It’s about realizing that our efforts couldn’t ever have been enough - and leaning on and trusting in the One who’s efforts have always been sufficient.

We have an opportunity every day to play our role in the best drama ever written.

The real battle between Good - pure, 100% no-blemish - good...

And evil - 100% - out to take your life - evil (disguised as 98% good).

My sleep has been so restless lately. Mostly because I wake up and I can’t stop praying for the things that are happening all around my life. And that is when it hits me - He is coming back for us - and we are not ready yet. He longs to come back for us - and we are not a proper Bride.

Final thought... Look into this scripture and ask the Lord to give you great understanding... I am praying that He will give great wisdom and understanding to us from these verses in 2 Peter 3:11-13... “Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.”

Praise God who will make all things new - and Praise God that one day righteousness and justice will have victory over sin and despair. This is the God I serve. This is my source of hope.

Veterans Day

I am not a big blogger about certain days of the year. I write when I get the chance, and when I have something I just want to get off my chest usually. Today is like that for me. I saw my precious and beautiful 10 year old daughter sing in show choir today. She did fantastic - and it sounded wonderful. But, it was before they sang that I was really gripped by something, several somethings actually.

I watched as these precious men, dressed in uniform ( and in their late 60's at least) "practiced" their walk and their special part of the program. It was all done so honorably. It was all business. It was stunning to watch these precious older gentlemen take so seriously what they would be doing before a group of children who couldn't possibly understand the magnitude of what they had given - what sacrifices they had made in their lives to wear those uniforms. If I weren't trying not to embarrass my daughter I would have been bawling like a big baby.

There was our American flag.

There were these gentlemen.

There was such a display of honor. And then... the strings.

The middle school orchestra was playing "I'm proud to be an American". I got goose bumps. I really wanted to learn how to play the violin even more than I ever have! In that moment it made me terribly sad for the things that we forfeited in the last election because somehow we have forgotten what beliefs America was founded on. It made me realize how time is fleeting - and how this one nation, under God, indivisible... is actually divided - because we are no longer proud to be under God.

It was a solemn experience for me.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to shout out that we should be proud to be Americans - but that we needed to remember our roots.

I wanted to know how to properly salute those men who had given so much for this country and I wanted to go hug all of my friends who are in the military and tell them that what they do is honorable.

I'll not quickly forget those precious men, showing each other such respect. They knew what price was paid in order for them to be able to come and walk down the gym floor and represent their country - even in front of a bunch of children (and probably adults too) who couldn't appreciate the magnitude of that one song - or that ceremony.

God help us - and may God bless our friends and family members in the military.

Freedom...

“Oh God of Heaven, come and hem me in. Gather the pieces that are broken. Show me the wonder of You again... Oh God of Heaven...”

Words from a Bebo Norman song that grasp my heart and squeeze it tight. God of my everything...

It is difficult to love God - and not want to just go immediately to be with Him. The very core of my soul aches for the time when I will be with Him forever. Romans 8:19-25 says this about what I am feeling, “19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)”

Patiently, not so much, although, I feel pretty confident in this hope I hold on to. I am going to admit it. I am desperate. I am desperate to live in the place He carved out especially for me while I am on this earth. I am tired of living in the futility of the dailies. I am longing to be used to the full measure of what He has called me to. He is good and He is Sovereign. He knows what it is that He has called me to. I am desperate to operate well in that place. I am not convinced that that is what I am doing. I am holding on with all that I have that if I continue to “sing His praises out loud” in this “prison” my chains will just fall off and Jesus will come and rescue me and set me free to do His will. Oh how much I need His rescuing today!

Escaping through the flames... or believing in His promises?

My heart is so heavy tonight.

You know, I think I know stuff...

And then, I realize... Well, I just don’t.

God created us so differently from one another. It would be easy to get caught up comparing ourselves to other people. To some, we may seem like super-saints - and then to others it would seem we are far dimmer - so much further from Truth. The truth of it all is that God created us each for a purpose. And each of us will either serve that purpose and have rewards that don’t catch fire, or we will have regrets and stand before our precious Jesus - saved, but smelling like the smoke from the fire that consumed our worthless deeds.

That is a little heavy.

I prayed to know what it meant to love the Lord with all of my heart - above any earthly thing. And He was kind to me and honored my request. It was so painful to learn. It was so hard to recognize His hand as it granted that which I asked of Him. It was the most painful time in my life. But, it has yielded the most precious thing in my life.

I do not fear the Lord. (I hope you didn’t gasp as you read that... Or maybe I hope you did?)

I do not know what it is to fear Him. I know bits about loving Him. I pray that I honor Him with my life. But, I do not fear Him as I should. I do not work out my salvation in fear and trembling. I do not consider His majesty in a way that makes me shudder.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that I should walk around cowering before Him as if He were at any moment to strike me dead. And I am also not saying that I don’t recognize His power as thunder sounds, while rain pours down and lightning strikes & lights up the sky. But, lately I have been wondering what I would wish I would have done differently when I stand there - in His presence, holding the ashes from the things that were burned up... I want to pray to fear the Lord... And yet, from experience, it scares me to death to even say that. He answers prayers. He especially answers the prayers that are in line with His Word. So, maybe I have a little fear of the Lord. I fear Him enough to realize that He has all of the Universe at His disposal, and to learn to love Him was so painful - but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. So, what will become of me if I ask to know what it is to fear Him? Only He knows. I deserve to be struck dead - in an instant. Not because I have done “horrible” things by our earthly standards necessarily. But, because compared to His holiness, the works in my life are a pile of dirty rags. Filthy, dirty rags.

I find myself asking the question over and over - “what are you doing?” What is it that He desires for my life? What is it that will fulfill the calling He already has on my life? His gifts and His call are irrevocable. He created me for a purpose. That purpose is to bring Him glory. In what way will He ask me to bring Him glory? Will I be like Esau and sell my inheritance? And for what? Oh, I pray not. I pray that I will not sell, or waste my inheritance. I pray that my works will not be burned up in the fire. I pray that God will make clear the path for me, and I pray that I will step out in faith and reach for that which He has placed right in front of me. I pray that I will live in the abundance that is Christ. My life is hidden with Christ in God. It is no longer my life to live... Oh that I would live and love with that as my reality.

I am scared (and rightly so, I think) to ask God to teach me to fear Him. But, I have never found Him unloving. I have never found Him as hasty, or quick tempered. In fact, I have known that He is slow to anger and abounding in love. I have known that He has a plan for me, and I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. I want to fear the Lord in a healthy, good way. I want to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I want to live a holy life in order to speed the day of His coming. I want to bring honor to Him with every breath. I want to see His Word alive and moving in my life. His glory is all that matters. His Name is the One at which every knee will bow - on earth and under the earth... And every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Father, help me to make Him Lord over everything now, so that I won’t stand before you with tears running down my ash-laden face as I realize I lived for nothing... And my works were in vain.

Shadows

Tonight I sit - listening to worship music - in my soft bed. I am troubled in my heart for my precious Candice. Too many people can’t understand where she is coming from... Or why she continues to stay where she is. It hit me yesterday how similar I am to Candice. It hit me how similar we all are to her. No matter what we pretend. We all desire to be loved. We all desire to be told that we are beautiful. We all desire to receive the attentions of someone - all of us. I say in one breath that I can’t understand how she could allow herself to be physically abused over and over again by the same guy. Why she would continue to go back to him - even after he hurts her? Why would she continue to stand up for him - why? And then I realize how many times I go back to the same thing that draws me nearer to death every day. Death in my soul, I mean. The lies that keep me in bondage. The lies that keep me from fully believing God. Not just believing Him for the things that He has promised in the future... But the things He has promised me today.

I am not all about name it and claim it. Our God paid a high price for our salvation. He sent His one and only precious Son to the cross in order to make things right. I serve a Holy God that is far too Sovereign to let me name what I think is good for my life and leave me to my own devices. He alone knows what is good. He alone is good. But, that is exactly what the enemy is trying every day to steal from me.

A friend of mine asked me once if I really believed that God is good. I said, “Of course.” But then she made it a little simpler for me to check out in my heart. She said, “Yes, I know you know that God is good, but do you believe that He wants only good for you - ONLY good for YOUR life?” Hmmm... I knew He is good. I know He wants only good for His children, but did I fully embrace my inheritance as His true child? I’m still not sure I do. I’m sure, in fact, that I will not fully embrace that here on the earth. But, it is the truth. No matter what hardships come my way - His desire is only for good in my life. His thoughts - all of them towards me are HOLY. Holiness is pure goodness. That is my own definition. But, I just think of it as something that is set apart in it’s unique purity. I am His child - His true heir, not because of anything that I have done. But, because of Jesus. His life, death and resurrection have assured me of my birthright... my inheritance to know God as my Abba.

It just hit me as I let the truth of what I BELIEVE hit my heart that I let the enemy accuse God to me all the time. It is not in the way that I say God is holding out on me - though, often when situations arise that are less than favorable, that thought always comes in. However, for me, that isn’t nearly as common as it is for me to have this thought that something I can do will make me have higher favor with God. Thus, the things I do can also cause me to have a lower approval rating. WHAT??? But, isn’t that something we all struggle with?

Jake and I just went to see Inception yesterday. It made me think. It still has me thinking.... It was interesting how one of the female characters thought of the dream world as her reality - and she was willing to die to stay in that reality forever. She built and built for years - homes and streets from memories. She invested so much time in the temporary - and all to make just a shadow of her real life, the real life that she was letting slip away by staying in the dream. It made me think about the fact that there is a world that is much deeper - much more real than this one that we inhabit. And, yet, we live as if this world is our permanent home. We are living in the dream, in the shadow - and we are often unwilling to wake up and realize that reality is really evading our grasp - because we are living for this temporary place and trying to make it home. But, it is only a shadow - we are only a shadow of the true life that awaits us. 1 Chronicles 29:15 says, “We are aliens and strangers in your sight, as were all our forefathers. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope.” and Job 8: 8-10 says,"Ask the former generations and find out what their fathers learned, for we were born only yesterday and know nothing, and our days on earth are but a shadow.” and Psalm 102:11-12 says, “My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations.”

I did a quick reference for the word “shadow” on Biblegateway.com and I was amazed at the things that were referenced over and over. Sit and read a few of them with me.

Ecclesiastes 6:12 says this, “For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?”

Colossions 2:16-17 “Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. 17 These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.”

Hebrews 10:1 The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship.

Then, there were so many references to God’s shadow - where we can hide and take refuge. Sweet. That is my favorite shadow!

Psalm 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.”

As I was reading these, many things were coming to mind. First of all - this life is a breath - a shadow. Quick. Coming to an end quickly. Hmmm... again I was hit with how permanent it all seems... How forever really just often describes our thoughts towards this earthly life. Then, the law being only a shadow... It is not the reality. THE REALITY IS FOUND IN CHRIST! Whew. Amen. Doesn’t this one statement shed truth on the “more favor with God” issue? And finally, the shadow that God offers us as a place of refuge. His shadow is eternal. We will be able to rest in Him forever... but His invitation starts NOW. Not in eternity. His invitation to rest in His shadow has already been extended - I have only to accept the invitation. Wow. I will be thinking on this a bit.

All of that said, please pray for my Candice. Pray fervently for her. She is losing grasp on reality - and very quickly. If God Himself doesn’t intervene quickly- she will be back in jail for the next 10 years of her life. No parol. No way out. It may be the best plan for her. This is where I rest in His Sovereignty - while at the same time begging for His mercy for her. She feels trapped. Much like me. She knows and believes there is a better way - a better life. But, she cannot accept that she is worthy of receiving it. Again, if I were to be fully honest, I would have no choice but to say the same thing...

FAMILY UPDATE!!!

When I originally began writing this post I was just going to give a family update as a prelude to the deeper things in my heart. As I have written, and seen how many words are on this page, I have determined that I will make this ONLY a family update and the deep things of my heart will have to wait for another time. :) So, here goes, settle in, it is quite an update!

We moved (by the GRACE of God) into our new house in the last few days of June. We have two wonderful roommates that we met through our church’s website! They are a delight to have living here and it is fun to see how the Lord provides for us at every turn. It is a beautiful house and we are so thankful for so many things about it. We love the back yard. We love that it has NO carpet in the living room. We love that we have space enough to have roommates. It is a blessing in so many ways.

I will start with Christian (Mia’s biological brother). Well, I must let you know that his name is now Kohbi. It is a strong name, and a perfect name for him. He is over 20 pounds, 6 months old and one of the happiest babies I’ve ever seen. He is with his new family. The coolest part about that - is it is my family too. My sister, and her husband Chad, and their two precious children are Kohbi’s forever family. There are too many cool details to list out, but I will explore that more fully at a different time. For right now, just know that God’s hand moved in a mighty way and we all knew that His Sovereign plan was for my sister to be Kohbi’s mommy. Wow. So, we are back to only 5 kids - but we get to have a very close relationship with Kohbi forever - and that is dear to my heart.

Jake is 13 and in the 8^th grade. He is 5’7 and is such a great kid. He is going to be an amazing man. I love watching him grow up and I am so blessed by the youth group he attends. God has His hand on this boy. What a privilege to be his mom. I got to watch him today as we all (me and the 5 kids) waited for an hour to get 4 of them a haircut! The first 20 minutes was a piece of cake... After that, it was a bit hectic. Just as I was about to have to go full out mommy mode, Jake stepped in to help out. Before I even asked him, he was taking care of his tiny sister and keeping his brothers out of trouble. What a treasure to my heart. And, when all but one haircut was finished - he offered to take everyone to the car to start a movie so they wouldn’t have to wait in the shop. Precious.

Maddy is 10 and in the 5^th grade. It is her first year in Intermediate school. She LOVES it. She is so social (I have no idea where she gets that from?) and she is always hugging someone, or smiling at someone, or I am hearing someone yell her name from across the playground. I love that she loves people. And, I pray that she knows that apart from their approval she is an amazing little grown up girl. That is what she is... A little girl that is grown up in so many ways. She is very helpful with the babies - and she always knows when I need a hug. She can tell if I have been crying even when I “cover” well. She knows me and I know her and I am delighted that I get to be her mommy.

Jared is 8 and is in the 3^rd grade. This is his first year without his sister in the same school. That is tough, but he is doing so great! I forgot what a tough age this is for boys especially. I don’t know if it is hormones, or just a time for testing limits, but things are surfacing that make me so sad. God’s Word is true, and I will not spare the rod, but it breaks my heart that it seems like this will be a tough season for him. It will be a time of discipline. And we will both make it out alive. It will just teach me a lot about God’s unconditional love and it will teach him much as well. He is a very funny boy - and he is doing really well in school. He is the most amazing artist I know. He delights in drawing and I delight in being the recipient of many of his works of art. He still has one of the most tender hearts I have ever seen. This makes the spankings much harder on my mommy heart. I can’t wait to see the man he becomes. It is a wonderful thing to be his mommy.

Jude is 2 and a half. Almost 3 in fact. My sister pointed this out to me the other day. Thanks, sis. He is so smart. Scary smart. And he is so fun! He is strong-willed, very focused, super-silly and stubborn headed. He makes me tired. He cries loud and acts so foolish when he is tired. That reminds me of me. I am so foolish when I am tired. There is a constant pulling in my heart - one way that I do not wish to spend one minute without him, and one way that I could send him off at any point for a few days just to get my head on straight. How I love this about him! He is a joy to my heart. He makes me so angry and so proud so many times a day that I can’t describe it well. Taking him to Disney made me see how grown up he is becoming. His comprehension is just amazing and he was so precious the whole trip. I literally felt sorry for everyone who doesn’t get to be his mommy. I have that feeling with him often. And, I am humbled to actually be his mommy. This kid is gonna do great things. I know it.

And finally, there is Mia. Ahhh my precious Mia baby. She is hardly a baby anymore, but don’t worry - we don’t tell her that! She will be 2 in December. Wow. What a ride this last 21 months has been! We had no idea what all would be in store for us 2 years ago. I will leave that to a different post, but it will be hard to put words to everything that is in my heart. Mia is really starting to talk a lot. She is so funny... So much a diva! She hollers when she doesn‘t get her way. She is sassy. She is beautiful. She is a delight to my heart. She is constantly ready to “hold” me. She snuggles me in a way that reminds me how much I love to be hugged tight. I can’t describe how much she was made for me. I know that she needed me... But I needed her more. That is the truth. Her hair is super curly and amazing. Her smile is infectious - and the faces she can make are really just crazy! She loves to read - probably more than anything else she loves to sit in my lap and read while snuggling her blanket! That was the most dramatic thing of the month. We lost her blanket. Her pink, soft, wonderful blanket that I made her before she was born. So, naturally, I had to make her another one. Just like the first one. And she carries it everywhere! She is my Linus. That reminds me of me. I loved my blankets when I was a little girl. But, I will still praise the Name of Jesus when we find the first one. I think she will too. It is just a blanket. Just a piece of soft pink wonderfulness. But, it carries a story. A deep story of God’s faithfulness and His love and mercy. And she and I both know the story. It is a beautiful story. So, I hold hope in my heart that it will be found and we will rejoice. Being her mommy has taught me more about the Kingdom of God than any other thing in my life. I praise God for the privilege, the blessing of being called mommy by her precious little voice every day, and I praise God for His gift to me of this little girl.

So, that is the kiddos. All of them a tremendous blessing to me. Each, in their own way teaching me everyday how messed up I am, and yet, how much grace God has to extend. I love that His mercies are new every single morning.

Ken is busy busy with Burger Boy. Our sweet manager left for maternity leave :) yay babies! And, he has become the new manager. He is a great manager. God made him to lead. He is a very strong leader, and an excellent one at that! I find myself thinking more and more often how handsome he is, and how much I am thankful that 14 years ago he chose me to be his bride. God is good.

I am back full time at the daycare, and am looking forward to whatever the Lord has in store for me today, tomorrow, and as long as He wills me to be on this earth. I am praying that He has a buyer for the business soon, but His plan is best, so I will hold on to the truth that He knows what He is doing. Pray for us to have wisdom in each aspect of life. Daily we need His provision and His guidance. Daily we count on His hand leading us to the places we should go. He is so good to us. He is our Mighty God.

Friendship...

Wow. That in and of itself is a mouthful. What do you think of when you think of your friends? Do you think of the 200+ people that are your “friends” on facebook? Or maybe, you think of the 20 or so people that you would call to tell the best (and worst) news of your life to. Or maybe, you think of the 1 or 2 people that have been there a long time - or maybe haven’t been there long, but they are the ones that you look to for this time. The ones that seem to know you even when you aren’t making yourself “known”. Friendship, like all relationships is an interesting phenomenon. I have had close friends - who have become far friends... Some in distance, some in heart. I have had forever friends that even though we haven’t seen each other in literally years, I know that they will always be there... always love me, just the way God made me. I have some friends that have whirled into my life for a short season, but they have stayed in my heart for the long haul. I have some friends that have passed through before I even really got to know them. It is a funny thing to be a friend.

I love people. I really do. Even people who misunderstand me. I love people who are just plain silly, and those who wouldn’t know silly if it bit them in the bottom. But, I realize that usually when I say that I love people, I mean I love the way people love me.

I have had friends that loved me well at first, and then, like a worn-out shoe, or a burned out song - I was cast aside for the newest, more wonderful one. I have had friends that have thought I was one thing or another - and then they found out I am human. Full of selfishness, pride and faithlessness - and it was at that point the friendship fades away. I have had friends that have actually loved me because of all of my flaws. I love those friends! I have just been thinking about how interesting this word friend is. I have literally been de-friended on Facebook. Ha! Now, you can really let people know how you feel :) I have been un-linked on blogs, I have been shied away from in person. I have been avoided by phone - and I have been misunderstood by those who should have known better. But, I have also been loved well. I have been treated better than I should be. I have had dear friends. I have had friendships that will last literally into eternity. I have shared the best and worst moments of my life with my friends.

While thinking about the wide array of friendships I have, and have had, I couldn’t help but be so thankful that my best friend is never changing. He is always loving me. Even when I am faithless, selfish and prideful. He loves to see me smile, and He doesn’t mind it if I cry. He believes in me. He believed in me long before I ever believed in Him. His love is not fickle. It is not based on what I bring to the table. It is not based on how many times I call Him or text Him. It is not based on if I say the right things, or if I feel the right way. He doesn’t judge me by what is happening on the outside. He looks straight into my heart. That friendship brings freedom. That friendship is what I long to offer to my friends. Whether they are near or far (in proximity, or in heart). I long to be the kind of friend that doesn’t worry about my own feelings. I long to be the friend that doesn’t get all wrapped up in expectations. I long to be the friend that always listens, prays faithfully, and loves unconditionally. But that is tough. People do hurt us. Friends misunderstand us... and it isn’t easy to be that kind of friend. Still, that is what I am asking the Lord for. I am asking that I become a friend to everyone who needs one, in just the way they need. Not that I would become some overloaded lady with constant appointments and social engagements. Just that I would simply love those who need to be loved, in the moment they need it that God allows me to be there. Just that I would really care more about others than I do myself. Oh, Lord help me. I know that is not how I think right now. But, you oh mighty God can change even the hardest of hearts.

Whew!

There is so much going on - I don't even know where to begin. We met Christian's (prospective) adoptive family today. They are wonderful. They are sweet and kind and fun to hang out with. If we lived in the same town we would be great friends. I mean, we will be friends anyway, but I think we could be really close friends. That is sweet to know. I have a great peace in my heart about what all will follow. I know that God's plan is best, and I know He has a great plan for this little boy. He is sweet and precious - and very loved.

Please pray for my Candice. She is supposed to come and sign the papers tomorrow - voluntary relinquishment of Christian. Whew. That is just so hard for me. I am not going to like being there for that. I mean, I wouldn't miss it because I want to be there for her... but I am going to hate what that means. I am going to hate watching her cry and knowing that she is just so confused and saddened by her own choices. I feel like if she would just plug into a good church family and stay away from old friends, she would be so much better off. She could heal and have such a better life, but I have no doubt that Christian will have a much better life if he is further away from his birthfather. Please pray for her that she would really lean into God during all of this. Pray that I would have words and a comforting presence to her. I sure love her.

The house situation has been something else! We never know what's next. But, we do know that God knows where we will be living and just how that will look. He is so amazing. His love is complete and it doesn't fall short of what we need at any given time. Soon enough we will be moved (again) and soon enough we will have our family situated in a more permanent (I think) residence. There is a lot we can learn though, about living in a temporary home. If you don't buckle in too deep, it isn't terribly hard to let go. If you don't ever consider it as "yours" it isn't nearly as hard to grasp it with loose fingers. So, my dream would be that we are moved into our new house before July 1st and that we will not take for granted the house that we have. I also am praying that we will be wise with what we keep, what we sell, and what we give away. It all belongs to the Lord, and I am ready to not be stingy. I want to give freely and love the Giver way more than the gifts.

Speaking of gifts! It has been such a blessing and a gift to be singing on the praise team at church. Oh my heart has missed this a lot! I am getting the opportunity to sing about 3 weekends a month at church. It is so great. It is just so great! I am truly blessed by the timing of this precious gift from the Lord.

Well, that precious little boy is letting me know it is time for his bottle. So, I will go for now, but I wanted you to know how to pray for us. It has been a crazy month, and I suspect the next two months will be a little more of the same. God is faithful - and He will provide everything we need to get through all of these times. What a sweet Savior we have! What a good God!

Joy - delightfully attainable...

Well it’s been a while since I’ve been here. It is a familiar place - a place I love. I love to sit and share the things that God is doing in my life - even when I don’t really understand it all... Or even most of it!

I am back at work full time (plus some). It has been a difficult transition for all of us. I cried every single day for the first week (at least). Tears of sadness for having to leave my babies (oh how I love being a mommy!). Tears of uncertainty because, let’s face it, if things were financially wonderful I wouldn’t have to be there. Tears of frustration for the million decisions that landed us where we are. Tears - feeling my incompetence to juggle it all well. But, through all of that, the thing that grieved my heart the most (well, it was a close tie with missing my babies) was the fact that I was struggling, REALLY struggling to do it all with joy. I want to live a life marked by JOY! My life is hidden in God through Christ! I have a hope and a future. I have more waiting for me in another place than I could ever dream of here - and it is the stuff that matters. It is the eternal stuff. Why then, could I not put on joy just because my circumstance here was seeming a little dreary? Ugh - humanness. I cannot help but be human. I cannot help but be frail and weak so often. I wish that through everything I could persevere with EXCELLENCE.

I know that God is faithful. He cannot be otherwise. I know that no matter what it all looks like to me right now - He has a plan - a good plan for us. I know that He has not and WILL NOT abandon me - no matter how loud the voice is in my mind that tells me otherwise. God is FAITHFUL. God is loving. God is kind. God is merciful and compassionate and MIGHTY! God has not failed me. His love has not failed. He is allowing this season for a purpose. Probably because He knows how much I long to be a faithful servant - and at the same time deeply understanding how far I am from becoming who He has created me to be. I want to be ALL that He has created me to be. For this season, it looks like putting on Joy and putting off fear and bitterness and doubt. For this season it looks like trusting Him when that really seems foolish. For this season it looks like taking one step at a time in no certain direction trusting that when His Word says that He leads me - that He really does. I need to believe His Word. It is as simple as that. I need to take Him at His Word and I need to rely fully on His provision for me. At this point I am realizing how much easier that is to say than to do. At this point I am wanting to retrieve the lady inside of me (that I used to know) that found it easy to have faith and trust in every circumstance. That seemed easier when we had paid off our debt and were climbing up financially instead of sinking. What is faith if it isn’t tested? What is believing when it is easy to believe? What is persevering if there is nothing challenging ahead? God knows what He is doing - of this I am certain.

Now for the kid update!!!!!!

Christian is already almost 4 months. Are you kidding me? This time is just flying. Candice is still working her plan to get him back. I pray that she will get him before his first birthday. She loves him. He is so precious... So sweet and his little smile is just entirely charming! Pray for her - pray that she will hang in there and make great choices. More than anything pray that she will join a church and fall deeply in love with her Savior.

Mia is 18 months in two days. Whew. I just can’t even believe that. Tiny. Beautiful. Angel. Has turned into Naughty. Beautiful. Princess. She really is Princess Naughty. What an enchanting gift from the Lord. Oh how I delight in her! The Lord constantly uses her to remind me of His unfailing love for me. After all, I am ADOPTED! I KNOW deeply what it means to adopt. I know deeply what it is to love my adopted daughter. I am His adopted daughter. Wow. It is no wonder why it was such a trial to adopt this little one. I have a deeper understanding of God’s love for me than I ever could have without her. I am blown away because His love for me is even greater - PERFECT - while my love for her is human and imperfect. I cannot really imagine how he fully feels about me. He feels the same way about you. If you are reading this (and have kept reading this far) you can be sure that He loves you with that same perfect love.

Jude is Mr. Naughty. He is not the Original Mr. Naughty - that title still belongs to my beloved firstborn, Jacob. But, he is quickly earning his place in the Hall of Naughties! He is so stinkin’ smart. This child is brilliant. I don’t know exactly what we will do with him, but he is so precious and handsome and frustrating and WONDERFUL! He is my very focused 2 and a half year old. What a gift from the Lord!

Jared is hilarious. This kid just keeps us laughing. Tonight I had tears in my eyes because he made me laugh so hard. He is so spontaneous and yet, so predictable. He is so funny, and yet, so serious. He is just absolutely a mystery to me in many ways. But, his heart is more tender than I can put words to. He still makes me the sweetest cards - and he can draw like nobody’s business! He could be an artist for Disney if he wanted to be. He is just so meticulous and great! What a precious gift from the Lord.

Maddy is full on drama. This girl never quits... She has a fantastic voice, a charming (dimply) smile and she is just beautiful. She could win American Idol at the age of 18 if she wanted to. It will be fun to see where the Lord takes her in life. I know He will use her in so many ways. Her heart is so sweet. Her compassion for others is so strong and her smile - well, I swear it brings healing to my heart. I believe the Lord could use her to bring healing to the sick. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. She is such a gift.

Jacob - talk about a crazy ride! That kiddo is 12 years old and 5’7! He is 3 inches taller than me (at least). He wears a size 13 shoe and he is absolutely the wittiest kid I know. We affectionately call him things like “Sasquatch” and “teenager”. He has gotten out of more things because of his wit than any kid I know. I just love how he makes me laugh. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. I can’t imagine what more I could want from my son. He is a great kid. He is so loyal to me - and so protective. He is such a gift to this momma.

Well, that about wraps it up (a little) for these last few months. I will try to write again when it slows down a bit. In the meantime, if you think of me, pray for us. And let me know how I can pray for you. Believe this one thing: God loves you. God has a plan for you. God created you and knows how to fascinate your heart. It doesn’t always look like we expect it... But He has great things in store for those who love Him. The Bible tells me so. :)

Christian...

So, here is a picture of this precious baby that is shaking things up around here! What a cutie pie!

Whew!

Things have been moving at the speed of light around here! I feel like there is too much to tell... God is so good. That is a good place to begin. We have a house being built (just across the road) and a house for the interim (Praise the Lord for His provision - always!) We have great renters for our home of 8 years. We will officially (we think) make the move to the interim house in about 2 weeks and move to our new house in the middle of June! So, if you call and I don’t call back, or if you email and it takes a while to respond, know that it is not that I have forgotten you... I just am having a hard time staying connected to the people I live with, much less the people in “cyberspace”.

I am back at work full time. My heart aches and rejoices at the same time to say that. I have needed to step back in for a short time to prepare to sell the business. God did amazing things for us by giving us the business, and we feel like we should leave it in as good of condition as we found it. So, I rejoice to be obedient. But, I must be honest, my heart aches missing my babies each day. I cried when I thought they had come to visit me at the center and then realized it was another car that just looked like the car they would be in. Then I cried fifteen minutes later when they did pull up! They are so much of my heart. I know they are in wonderful hands. Our Miss Cole has been a breath of fresh air. It has changed the dynamic of our household tremendously to have her here - in a great way! I finally (almost) have enough hands to get everything done that needs to be done. I feel like the Lord’s timing was nothing short of a miracle for me. But, my heart - though desperate to be constantly filled with joy - has found this act of obedience to be one of the hardest ones ever. I see what it does to my boy to not have me around all day. I see what it does to my girl to only see her a few hours a day and it is almost more than my heart can take. And Christian, that is an entirely different story. I was barely getting to know him when I had to be pulled away from him for many hours each day. He needs to see me and know me as mom until Candice can be that for him. That is hard to do when I have such a small amount of time to divide between my husband and all 6 children. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

But, through all of these things... I can clearly see God’s hand. I see how He heard me when I asked Him - a little sad - on the way to work to find us a place to live because I didn’t have time. Twenty minutes later He had the whole thing worked out. I see how He heard me when I asked for help at the daycare to get things back in order - right under my nose were the answers I was waiting for. I see how He hears me when I ask Him to help my kiddos hang in there until I am able to “just” be mommy again.

My friends have experienced great losses recently. A dear friend of mine lost her brother. He was a daddy, an uncle, a brother, a son, a husband, and so much more... How do you hear of that and not long for eternity to come? I want to be desperate to help my friends see what they are missing if they are missing Jesus - and yet, the dailies get me every time. I get focused more on what has to be done today than I do focus on what things I do today that will make a mark for eternity. I saw a girls shirt that had a small girl with hands folded and it simply said, “Jesus, please come back.” I wanted to cry right then. Yes and Amen. Jesus - how we need you. How our friends and family need you. Reveal yourself Jesus. Reveal the way that you love us - give us eyes to see how you want abundance for us. I am saddened by the ways that we exchange the abundance Christ offers for the extremely temporary pleasures of today. Why would we exchange gold for dung? Would we really do that? Would we really take the beautiful, precious things that God has given to us and trade them for the foul smelling, rotting things that the world has to offer? The answer is that I do it every day, and I watch my friends do it without being able to find the words to convince them not to. Oh Jesus we need you to step in and help us. Spirit come move in our hearts to help us move toward the things that you desire and away from the things that will lead us to a temporary pleasure and an eternal regret.

Above all things I can tell you that God is faithful. His love never fails. His Word is Truth. His plan for me (and my family) is good. His Sovereignty doesn’t end. He is not caught off guard. He has asked me to work in everything as if I am working for Him. That is my desire. I want the Joy of the Lord to be my strength. I sure need His strength. Mine isn’t holding out. He has provided so well. He has heard me. How satisfying to walk in the place that He has marked out for me. Now to just give up the things that pull my heart away from the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. God help me to prioritize. Help me to rest in You. Help me to know you are hearing me and always acting in my best interest. Thank you for adopting me. Thank you for choosing me. That is a staggering thought, knowing that you KNEW me. You made me, and you chose me anyway. What kind of love is this?

The changing of seasons...

I always think it is beautiful how Winter melts into Spring. This year we are getting to see it, even in Texas! Ha, that is if it will ever really melt away. I love it. I love Spring. I love it when the bright green blades of grass dare to poke through the hardened dried up dead grass. I love it when the sun comes out and peeks through on a cool day, and reminds me that no matter how cloudy a day is, if the Lord tells the sun to break through, it will.

We have found some amazing people to rent our house. The Lord is so good. I fell in love with them as they walked with me through the house. It was my delight that they fell in love with our house too. It is a great house! The season is changing alright.

I am meeting with a few different people about the business this week. Wow. What a crazy month. Tomorrow, Christian will be 3 weeks old. We have really had some interesting things happen this month. I realized as I was listening to a sermon about Believing God (I can't remember the man's name that was teaching, but he was broadcasting from India), I realized that we were in a bit of a situation like Abram. God told him to go. He told him to go to a place He would tell him about. That is us. We felt certain that we were to put the house on the market. We have renters. We now are headed to a place that we are waiting to see exactly where it is. He told us to sell the business. We are meeting with people to sell the business to, but we don't know who they are (yet), and we don't know what we will do afterwards. He is simply telling us to move on. He is reminding us that He is the God who is in control - with a captial "C". He made all of creation. He knows what is best, and He wants what is good for us. That is the part I find that the enemy wants to steal away. He doesn't want us to remember that God has good intentions towards us. But, Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. That is the God I serve. He has good plans for us. Prosper may not mean financially - but it is so clear that it means better... in His way, whatever that looks like, it is better. He wants to give us hope. I haven't dared let my heart hope for some things in a very long time. I had forgotten how to believe for something I didn't yet have - or something that my circumstances weren't directly pointing to. Bummer. I thought for a while I believed God, really believed Him for things. I did believe Him for Mia. No doubt. I knew that He had the situation entirely taken care of. But, for all of these other things... my hope was not in a person (Jesus), it was in the thing.... the thing that I hoped about. I have a hope. My hope is in Christ. It is one thing to say it, and another entirely to mean it. My hope is not in what Christ has yet for me, it is in what Christ has already given me. My eternity is sealed - forever - and cannot be taken from me. My hope is that I will dwell in the presence of God for all of eternity. And this hope cannot be shaken. This truth cannot be taken from me. Wow.

I believe that He has a promised land for me here on this earth. I believe that if I will believe Him, I could learn a lesson from those who have gone before and enter that land - here on earth. Only by His grace will I have belief like that. Only by His mercy could that not be taken from me. I am asking Him that I would truly love Him wholeheartedly. I am asking Him that I would truly hope in just one thing... in one amazing man, Jesus Christ. He is my hope of glory. He is my righteousness.

Anyway, the seasons are changing for the Simmons'. I feel a fresh wind blowing in, much like that in Mary Poppins, only, this wind is ushering in the very things of God. The God who is at work all around us. We are getting to watch His hands move all around us. That is a season worth celebrating. The uncertainties are really few... though they seem like many, simply because He is never uncertain. He is always doing the right thing, and He is the One who has begun a work. Bring it to completion, Lord. Finish the work you have begun in us. Let us believe you, let us trust you and let us bring you much glory!

Everything changes but God stays the same!

The last several days have been full of emotion for me. Our Birthmother, Candice, delivered a very healthy, very precious baby boy on February the 8th. Candice has drastically changed her lifestyle over the last 5 months and has made every decision in the last two months with regard to the precious little boy growing inside of her. She hasn't missed any doctor's appointments, or wic appointments, or probation appointments. Candice is a new lady. She has completely changed her thinking. She has been doing so well. On February 10th, just minutes before she was supposed to be discharged from the hospital, CPS told Candice that she couldn't take the baby home. They were even telling her that she might not get a chance to find a family for him to go with. That is when we called our adoption agency and Kim came to the rescue! She was literally driving right by the hospital when I called her and she was in the room in less than 2 minutes. Praise God for His timing and His plan. She came in and helped us work out a much better situation. Ken and I were allowed to take Christian home with us and we - because it is all through our adoption agency - are allowed to let Candice see him anytime we want. I just have to be there with them. This was a sweet gift from the Lord. But, I don't think I have to tell you how devastated Candice is. She was so prepared, so ready to begin being a mommy. She has been looking forward to the day she would get to take him home for so long. And, here again she sits with no baby in her arms. However, I am CONVINCED that she will get to raise this little boy. I believe with my whole heart that she is going to work out whatever plan they create for her and take him home and be his mommy. In the meantime, Ken and I have much praying to do. We have many things to consider, and we have a lot of other things on our plate as well. I know that none of this is a surprise to God. I know that He knows every day of Christian's life. I know that He knows exactly when Candice will get to really start being his mommy. In the meantime, I will be taking him to see her several times a week and begging the Lord for favor on her behalf with CPS. Please pray for us all. Please please pray that on Tuesday morning when we meet for them to set her plan, that they will shorten the time they have been saying. They are telling Candice that it could be a year before she could bring him home. That just breaks my heart. He needs her. She wants so badly to parent him. My heart is just aching for both of them. I am praying for a drastic change in their plan, and I am asking the Lord that he be able to go home with her by April 19th - her birthday. Please pray with us for victory in this. I believe it is a battle happening in the heavenlies. Either way, Candice has said that she will fight for him no matter how long it takes. 3 months, 6 months, a year... it doesn't matter. She is ready to be his momma whenever they will let her - no matter what they require of her. So, thank you for your prayers for her. Pray for us too. We need wisdom to know what it is exactly that the Lord desires from us. Pray we will hear Him so clearly. Pray that we will have the strength to do whatever He asks. Thank you for walking through this with us. What a blessing to have friends that will lift up our family and our precious Candice at this time.

Trusting in the God who is Trustworthy!

God has never let us down. Never. Surely He has done things we didn't understand. Surely He has done things that we would have NEVER done without Him. After all, Isaiah makes it clear that His ways and thoughts are not at all like ours! I am so thankful for that. Here are the things I KNOW about my God:

He is Faithful - even when I am not. (2 Timothy 2:13)

He is Merciful - and He wants us to understand what mercy really is. (Matt. 9:13)

He is Sovereign over all things! (Isaiah 40:28-29)

He is so Good. (Psalm 34:8, Matt. 19:17)

So, with eyes that long to see that - REALLY grasp that - I tell you the rest. Trusting that you will agree to trust the Lord with me as we travel through a season of change.

11 years ago God gave us a gift. We, who were uneducated, and completely destitute "bought" a daycare that was really just sent to us with a bow all wrapped up - just waiting for us to tear into the paper and see what good things He had planned inside. 8 years ago, God gave us a second daycare. Another chance to become financially independent - and to recognize His goodness to us. It is so sweet to remember all that He did. It is sweet to remember a church family that gathered around us as we headed into scary, but beautiful water with our God going before us - and coming right behind us.

This season is very different. It seems that it is entirely possible that He is asking us to let go of that gift. To exchange it for another gift (that we have yet to hold in our hands - or see with our eyes). We don't know what He will give us as we let go of this gift. We don't know where He will lead us, or what it looks like. In my humanness, that is terrifying. But, with one glimpse at scripture, with one taste of His Word, I am peaceful in my heart that whatever lies ahead will be even better than that which we had before. I am certain of it.

So for now, we search for a new house to make our home and we trust that God will provide renters for the home we have had for 8 years. We search to simplify the things that have become complicated. We search to find the perfect middle of the line between trusting and resting in our God and moving our hands and feet to the rhythm He is playing for us. It is hard not to just start applying for jobs, or looking for endless possibilities for our "business minds". It is also difficult to trust that we will hear exactly what we need to hear. It made me sad to see the places where I was striving (in my mind) to "control" the situation. To hang on to what we have, or go full force forward with something else... But, I sense that God will tell us when we need to move forward. I trust that my trust doesn't have to be in what Ken or I can do to help pay the bills, or keep everything going. My confidence and my trust must be in the One who is worthy of it. After all, if Christ trusted Him to the death, can't I at least give Him my whole life? That is what He is asking. We will likely have a different home, a different "job", a different way of life... but we have the SAME God - and in this we can rest.

Candice is doing so well. It is beautiful how the Lord has placed me beside her. What a privilege to walk beside her right now. I love her so deeply, and she is choosing life - every day. She is choosing to trust in God for her right now, and for her future. She is studying His Word. She is doing a daily devotional... and she is overcoming the strongholds that have held her back for so long. I dare you to tell me that I don't serve a God who is ABLE! He is so very able to do more than we can ask or imagine. So, if you agree with me, please say a prayer right now that we will trust Him, hear Him, and follow Him - no matter how stormy the waters seem... no matter how dark and scary. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea and provided a ram. He is the same God that shook the entire Earth. He is the same God that brought a dead man back to life. He is the Alpha, the Omega... the beginning and the end. And He has my heart.