He is always kind, and whispers Truth. He does not shout or condemn. He is tender and compassionate. He grieves with me as I mourn the losses I have had in my life. Yet, He rejoices with me that I have a greater destiny. I have a hope in something truer than this which I am living in now. I have a desire for the living waters - and in this He tells me I will be satisfied.
But, there is an ache. It is an ache inside because of the depravity that lives within my mortal body. The depravity that seeks my own comfort and temporary love more than it seeks the will of the One who created me. Great sadness fills my heart as I realize that I do not fully seek redemption for those who have wounded me. I am wounded - and there is a piece of me that still shouts “Retreat!” “Pull Back” “Do not fully invest yourself or your love - it is not worth it.” "Let God exact His justice! The justice that this situation demands."At the same time, I realize the naivete’ of that.
To say that this life isn’t about my life is one thing, but to walk it out as so... Well, that is entirely another.
So. Much. Loss. My heart is grieved to not know the delight of walking with my mother as an adult - she who brought me forth from the womb. Never has a mother been more loving or kind. Never has a another encouraged and believed in me like my mom. Why, my Jesus did I have such few years with her? Oh, how I long for her hug. Her arms - strong and so tender at the same time. Her eyes compassionate and full of hope. Her smile that brought forth joy from the deepest pits of despair. Her counsel - so full of wisdom and understanding. What joy to be cut from that cloth. What a gift to have been so deeply loved by her. And what pain is in the loss of such a dear friend.
So. Much. Pain.
And, yet, I am able to say that even now, there is an abundance that marks my life that is staggering. To see the Lord walking beside me in a manner that is undeniably Him. To watch the movements around my life that are orchestrated by the One who called me - who chose me - who pulls me constantly out of the darkness and into the light. It makes my heart reel with desire for the life that awaits us still.
The truth is I want so badly to be known on the earth. To be known by those who spend time with me. But, that is not a harmless desire. I am already fully known. To desire from man, that which God has already established by Himself within me, is idolatry. He would whisper to me, “Why is it not enough that I know you fully?” “Why is there something more you desire than the fellowship of my Spirit?” “Who can fill you, heal you, help you like I can?” And my reply is that I am at war with myself. This earth is passing away. The time of His coming is nearer now than ever before. He is coming for us. He is jealous for us, and we are distracted by the lures of this world... The desires of flesh on the earth - and how do they compare? They don’t compare. The answers are these: there is nothing more precious than the fellowship of the Spirit and there is no one who can fill, heal and help me as He can. The Truth is that I have all that I need. The Truth is that He has so much more to reveal, to share, to bestow - if only I will crucify the flesh and its desires for that which is lesser.
My heart is stirred by a noble theme indeed... I am intoxicated by the beauty of the Lord. And, yet, I am sobered by the reality of how far my heart still is from that which He desires for me. Redemption - not a reckoning. Truth in love - not delighting in the stumbling’s of the one who has wounded me repeatedly. It is so hard to make your heart compliant - when it is still bleeding. It is so difficult to allow love to come through when hate is standing at the door banging - really almost demanding to come in. It is so wondrous that God can do that (allow love to heal that which hate demands to destroy) if only we are willing for Him to do that which He desires with our lives. Truly, nothing is impossible for Him.
Today, I am asking for Him to do that which He desires in my life - with my life - no matter what that means. I am begging Him to see, to hear, to act - and this I know with all my heart. He has seen. He has heard. And, He is moving. His timing is beyond my understanding. But, He will not stop until His will is on earth as it is in Heaven.
That is what I am asking.
Fully God.
Not His mercy.... Not His wrath... Just the fullness of Him. Right now. Whatever that looks like. I am praying and believing that He will sustain me. He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. I am hiding in the shelter of His magnificent wings. It is here I will rest - though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death - even still, He will prepare a place for me- in the presence of mine enemies that I can be comforted by His rod and His staff. What a Shepherd! What a King!
May the grace of God go before you today to prepare a quiet place of rest for your weary heart. May the peace of God give you comfort in a time of great distress. May the joy of God become your strength today. He who has called you is able to do that which He purposed for you from the very beginning of time. Trust Him. He is trustworthy and true. Forever and ever - He will be Faithful.
