Have you ever been offended by God?
Sometimes things don't go the way we planned. We see in such a finite way. Our eyes weren't meant to observe everything. Imagine for a second the most horrifying 3 things you have ever seen. Now, think if you saw all the horror on the earth all the time. Think if you couldn't turn away or not see...
We weren't built to withstand that. We are finite. We do not see as God sees. We just don't.
Certainly all of us at one time have been offended by God. Certainly you have. And, it is so plain to my eyes that I have been so recently, and so deeply offended. There are times that my Spirit cries out as Jeremiah...
"O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed..." and then, like Jeremiah, in my next breath, I say, "But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior..."
David was offended by God too.
Psalm 13:1-2 has him crying out, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"
He FELT neglected. He FELT abandoned. He felt sorrow - deeply. But, even in the very next breath he says, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart REJOICES in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6)
You see, I believe that the Lord is not the one sending calamity. Look what His word says in Psalm 11:3-5, "When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do? The Lord is in His holy temple; the Lord is on His heavenly throne. He observes all the sons of men; His eyes examine them. The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence His soul hates."
He is altogether Holy. Friends, His soul hates wickedness, violence, depravity... the word "hate" here literally means hate or enemy... He is an enemy of wickedness. He does not delight in our sorrow. He does not take joy when it seems that wickedness prevails against us. His Word is also clear that He will not leave us or forsake us. (Psalm 27:10, Heb 13:5) His Word is clear that He delights to shower good things on His children. (James 1:17) It also says that He stands ready to defend us. Luke 18:7. He is a good God. He is full of mercy. He is compassionate. Slow to anger and abounding in Love. He is altogether righteous. No matter what our circumstance. No matter what we are feeling. He is incapable of being faithless. Read 2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." He literally cannot be unfaithful. It is against His character.
You see, every day we CHOOSE what we believe. We choose. Our circumstances do not make Him less than who He is. That is like saying if you declare it adamantly enough you can change the color of your eyes from brown to blue. Just because you declare that your eye color is blue does not change the reality that they are brown. You can put in fake lenses that make your eyes appear blue - but you cannot change the actual color of your eyes from brown to blue. You can DISTORT reality - but you cannot change it. We can believe whatever we want about God, but I assure you it does not change who He is by one iota. So, every day I will CHOOSE to believe that He is fully who He says He is. I will CHOOSE to believe that I am who He says I am. I CHOOSE to believe that His Word is true - and that when it doesn't make sense to me, it is because I do not see as He sees. I do not think as He thinks. I will choose to be offended for a fleeting moment - and then, press in closer, press in to take Him at His Word. He can handle my anger. He can handle my grief. He can handle my misunderstanding. It does not change Him. But, He longs to comfort me - if I will only allow Him near enough to do so. He longs to wrap me underneath His great big wings and offer me rest if only I will be still enough.
He beckons to me, "Be still and know that I am God." "Come to me, you who are weary, and I will give you rest." Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with His feathers, He will shelter you with His wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection."
I will go to Him. I will be comforted by Him. I will find rest in Him. I will find rest. I have found peace. I have found life. I have found Him faithful and true. He has my whole heart.
This morning my heart was ripped in two once again. I miss my boy so much. Oh my heart aches without him. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his big feet. I miss his quick humor. I miss his texts to me throughout the day - the way he invited me, daily, into his life - even the seemingly insignificant parts. They no longer seem small to me. His death has given significance to the insignificance. I miss the way he knew the words to every song. I miss the way he couldn't hold still when there was any kind of a beat. He tapped all the time. I miss it all. I miss it more than my words can portray on this page. I am grieved to the deepest places that as long as I am on the earth - I am here without him. But, one day - one day soon we will live together forever in the presence of the Most High God. We will worship and work and laugh and sing. We will no longer hurt or hurt each other. We will be one in Spirit and in perfect unity. We will love without pain. We will love forever without end. We will enjoy fellowship with the King of Kings and for all of eternity - we will rejoice. This is the hope that I have every single day. He is already experiencing this fellowship with my mom, and with some of his great-grandparents who went before him. Most importantly, he is experiencing sweet fellowship with the Father. He lacks nothing. He has no burden, no pain, no grief in his heart. What a gift to this momma - to know that he is so free.
I will still cry. I will still grieve. I will still miss him. I will still fall on my knees and tell the Father that I am mad that He has allowed me to be pained in this way - and then I will get up and praise Him because His plan is right. I will stand with my arms high and tell Him that He alone is worthy of all my suffering. I will thank Him for the gift of being Jacob's mom. I will thank Him for the privilege to suffer for His sake. I will love Him with all of my heart. I will praise Him with all that is within me. I will go forward, and I will tell Him over and over that He is worth it all.
May God go before you today. May He hem you in behind. May He hold you in His big loving hands - and remind you that He loves you enough to give His Son - His precious, only son - for you to know Him and to be with Him forever - if you will just believe.
