Friday, January 20, 2012

A Holy Tension

photo credit to Carlos Gutierrez

Lately I have been manic-depressive, or in today’s terms - bi-polar. 

Truly, I have been tossed back and forth between the truth that I know in my mind about God and His plan and love and care of me - and this woman; fleshy - full of needs and wants and hopes- some rooted and grounded in truth and others rooted in this thing inside that says I deserve now to be loved as I will be in glory. 

It is a unique thing to know that the truth is the truth - and to know that I am being confused, but being completely unable to discern the depth, or the starting point of that thing that confuses me.  I think I am more confused now than when I went to type that.  : /

You see, I believe that I am already loved as deeply as I ever will be - the fullness of the love of God is already mine to hold.  He will never love me more than He does right now.  Because His love is perfect.  It doesn’t grow for me, because it is already the fullness of love itself.  It is a perfect - unchanging love.  It is in itself already whole and pure - there is NO MORE that I have to strive for, to earn, or yearn for.  The fullness is mine.  HOWEVER, I am mandating - in my own way - that human people love me the way that my God loves me.  I am mourning that I am not loved in the same fullness by the people of the earth as I am by my God.  I am wanting to hold this thing that is not mine to hold.  I am desiring to be filled by one who was not created to fill me.  It has caused me great pain, and I would like to think that the awareness of that fact is liberty - when truly the liberty is not in the knowing, but in the actions that flow from the knowledge.  Whew... My mind is reeling... Just reeling over this.

I am so prideful.  I have been so full of sin in my heart and the knowledge that that is true is in itself not liberty.  It is the response to that knowledge that holds freedom for me.  This quote is so simple, and yet so rich.  It seems like, a “duh” statement, but at the same time, truly comprehending the fullness eludes me.  Listen to it... (it is like God is saying), “I want you to do your part, but I don’t want you to exaggerate what your part produces.”  Staggering.  I produce nothing.  Not one thing.  I have been created for a purpose, and He will produce fruit from that which He has called me to, but it is His fruit.  The fruit is not from me, or of me, but being allowed to come through me by His hand.  I produce nothing.  I value what I have to say too much.  I expect others to want me to share it - to want to hear what I have to say...  and yet, He has given me a message that is to be shared - at all cost - because He has comforted me so that I can comfort others.  What in the world do you do with all that?  I am created for a purpose, but it is not my purpose that matters - or even my obedience - because in the grand scheme of things, He doesn’t need me.  He could use anyone or anything to bring about what He desires.  So, in one hand, He has given me a great gift on this earth - to have purpose, to be chosen, and on the other hand, He wants me to remember that it is His plan that will prevail.  It is His worth that matters - not my own.  I want to embrace humility, and yet, I cannot on my own even be humble.  YIKES.  I am a bit of a mess today.  That is certain. 

I am not sure if I am even making sense.  My knowledge tells me - it even demands that I repent before the Lord - declaring my perception of my self worth as an atrocity to His great Name.  It is.  It is absolutely ridiculous how highly I see myself.  And yet, He declares me worth the blood of His Son.  If I could get on my face and repent and mean it - I could be healed.  He could rend my heart and mend it back.  But I am going to be honest with you.  At this moment, my heart is not torn.  I am not nearly as unsettled as I need to be in this.  My discomfort has made me desire comfort in a way that I should be unnerved by.  And, in places, I am unnerved.  But, in places, I am still longing to be comforted - and surrendering to the idea that I deserve to be.  Oh Jesus help me.

I have much more in my heart - in my head, but for now...  I must shut it all down and run to the Word to see what jewels He has there.  What things He will tell me in the still and quiet moments that will rend my heart.  His Word is alive and living and able to pierce even the hardest of hearts - including mine. 

Emmanuel - let it be.  Emmanuel.  God be with me.  Rend my heart - until it is yours, fully yours.