Reading my last post - about my brave little girl and how she belongs to my God... Knowing with all of my heart that God has purpose much greater than I can imagine in all that has taken place... it is still so hard for this momma heart in me to believe it is real.
My boy.
My 15 year old son...
My first born...
Well, he is resting - free from sin and pain and burdens. He is in Heaven with my Jesus, and my momma.
But, yet I am here. I am hurting to the depth of my soul this morning. As my body is racked with pain and my soul is crying out to God Most High for comfort... I am telling my God that He is worthy.
He alone is worthy!!
You see, when I said that all of my children are on loan from Him - I meant it from a deep place in my soul. He gave my son breath. He gave him life. He knit him together in my womb. That precious boy grew inside of me, and it was my joy to raise him.
It was my joy.
He honored me in a way that didn't make sense. That precious boy... but he had completed all the tasks he was assigned here. He walked in a way that spread joy and kindness. He always had a kind word. He had a quick smile - and a protective big brother heart. We are grieving the loss of much more than just a boy. He was a son - an amazing son. He was a brother... such a tender-hearted brother. He was such a source of strength for me. Yes, this morning, my pain is very real. My heart is torn - and there is a place inside of me that is just ready for my Savior to come and rescue me. I am ready to be taken from this world of pain and sorrow. That was what I said as I sat there next to his lifeless body. I am so jealous. You beat me - you are in the presence of Jesus before me!! I hope he could look down and see my fit. He would have laughed at me and said, "Calm down mom."
And this morning, we are in Houston - having an MRI done for Mia. Normally, I don't think it would have bothered me much. But, I recognized the fear in my heart as they took my little girl back. She fought sedation (which is normal), but it shook me up. I didn't like to watch her like that. It stirred fear in my heart. What if the enemy has asked to steal her from me too? What if I just signed papers and something goes wrong... and then it is my fault... Oh we have a very sly enemy.
Her life, her precious little life is not in my hands -nor is it in the hands of my clever enemy. I can not make any decision regarding how long her time on this earth is. If my son has taught me anything through this - it is that his time, his life, was always completely out of my hands. And, it is the same with my precious daughters and sons at home. They belong to my God. He created them... knit them together... and then gave them to me as gifts on loan. I love to be a momma. I really love it.
I guess, because this is long, I will wrap it up... God is worthy. He alone is worthy of the pain in my heart. He holds every tear of mine in a bottle. He does not delight in my grieving. He grieves with me. He has provided many friends and family to grieve with me as well. But, life does go on. It has to go forward. And, as we put one foot in front of the other, I am comforted by the truth that my God is walking both before me and behind me. He is going to stay right beside me through all of this. He will be my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.
