Sunday, August 11, 2013

A day for remembering...

16 years ago at 5:43pm I became a mommy.

It was a moment unlike any other in my life.  I had no idea what the years would hold for us.  I had no idea how short my time with him would be.  15 years, 5 months, 25 days.  And every one of those moments was established for him before one came to be.

God chose me to carry that boy.  What a gift.

Today I have cried my eyes out.  I have literally sobbed.  I have just let it all be what it is.  I miss him.  My heart aches through and through.  I carried him 9 months inside of me.  I watched him grow for 15 years, and now... until my precious Savior sees fit to take me home, I will carry him only in my heart.  I will laugh at the memories I have of that boy-man all grown up.  I will treasure the things he said to me and about me.  I will be filled with joy because I know he is in the presence of my God with no more color-blindness and no tears.

I watched God provide for me today.  Opportunities to cry.  Opportunities to laugh.  Opportunities to reflect.  Arms for me to cry in.  People to pray over me.  God knows every need we have before we ask it.  And He is Faithful.

I don't have many words tonight.  But, I want to share something sacred with you.  I had no idea on February 1 as I started a new journal what pain was just a few days away.  But, my God did.  And He was preparing me.  This is my un-edited journal entry from February 1, 2013.  Just 4 days before my boy left earth to receive His welcome to the arms of Christ.  I am astonished every time I read it.  My God cares for me - He sees me, He knows me and He loves me so deeply.  I pray that this encourages your heart even if in just a small way...

February 1, 2013

Though I know not what all will happen through the pages of this journal - one thing I am certain of is this:
My God is always faithful.

This year may catch me off guard in circumstance after circumstance - but it will not catch my God off guard.  He will not be shaken. Ever.

Sweet Lord, please fill my mind with Truth and Life as I seek you in this place.  Please let me honor you in all that I do and say.  Help me to capture my thoughts and make them obedient to you always.  Let not my will be my own.  Let my heart be thoroughly bent towards your way and your Truth.  Jesus- help me to be so near with you.  

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear, Christy, I will help you."

~ end of journal entry

God moved my heart to fill my name in that Scripture.  He knew that I would need to hold His hand tightly in the coming days and months.  He knows me so perfectly.  I even started a blog post that day that I never published.  The Title was "wrecked".  I haven't been able to finish it yet... just not yet.  

Tonight as I go to sleep I am going to go praising my God for my boy.  Praising my God for my precious children that I have the blessed privilege of tucking in bed each night.  Tonight, I remember that God is faithful - and He is never caught off guard.  Not only that - He prepares the way for me to walk.  What a sweet God.