My heart is so heavy tonight.
You know, I think I know stuff...
And then, I realize... Well, I just don’t.
God created us so differently from one another. It would be easy to get caught up comparing ourselves to other people. To some, we may seem like super-saints - and then to others it would seem we are far dimmer - so much further from Truth. The truth of it all is that God created us each for a purpose. And each of us will either serve that purpose and have rewards that don’t catch fire, or we will have regrets and stand before our precious Jesus - saved, but smelling like the smoke from the fire that consumed our worthless deeds.
That is a little heavy.
I prayed to know what it meant to love the Lord with all of my heart - above any earthly thing. And He was kind to me and honored my request. It was so painful to learn. It was so hard to recognize His hand as it granted that which I asked of Him. It was the most painful time in my life. But, it has yielded the most precious thing in my life.
I do not fear the Lord. (I hope you didn’t gasp as you read that... Or maybe I hope you did?)
I do not know what it is to fear Him. I know bits about loving Him. I pray that I honor Him with my life. But, I do not fear Him as I should. I do not work out my salvation in fear and trembling. I do not consider His majesty in a way that makes me shudder.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that I should walk around cowering before Him as if He were at any moment to strike me dead. And I am also not saying that I don’t recognize His power as thunder sounds, while rain pours down and lightning strikes & lights up the sky. But, lately I have been wondering what I would wish I would have done differently when I stand there - in His presence, holding the ashes from the things that were burned up... I want to pray to fear the Lord... And yet, from experience, it scares me to death to even say that. He answers prayers. He especially answers the prayers that are in line with His Word. So, maybe I have a little fear of the Lord. I fear Him enough to realize that He has all of the Universe at His disposal, and to learn to love Him was so painful - but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. So, what will become of me if I ask to know what it is to fear Him? Only He knows. I deserve to be struck dead - in an instant. Not because I have done “horrible” things by our earthly standards necessarily. But, because compared to His holiness, the works in my life are a pile of dirty rags. Filthy, dirty rags.
I find myself asking the question over and over - “what are you doing?” What is it that He desires for my life? What is it that will fulfill the calling He already has on my life? His gifts and His call are irrevocable. He created me for a purpose. That purpose is to bring Him glory. In what way will He ask me to bring Him glory? Will I be like Esau and sell my inheritance? And for what? Oh, I pray not. I pray that I will not sell, or waste my inheritance. I pray that my works will not be burned up in the fire. I pray that God will make clear the path for me, and I pray that I will step out in faith and reach for that which He has placed right in front of me. I pray that I will live in the abundance that is Christ. My life is hidden with Christ in God. It is no longer my life to live... Oh that I would live and love with that as my reality.
I am scared (and rightly so, I think) to ask God to teach me to fear Him. But, I have never found Him unloving. I have never found Him as hasty, or quick tempered. In fact, I have known that He is slow to anger and abounding in love. I have known that He has a plan for me, and I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. I want to fear the Lord in a healthy, good way. I want to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I want to live a holy life in order to speed the day of His coming. I want to bring honor to Him with every breath. I want to see His Word alive and moving in my life. His glory is all that matters. His Name is the One at which every knee will bow - on earth and under the earth... And every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Father, help me to make Him Lord over everything now, so that I won’t stand before you with tears running down my ash-laden face as I realize I lived for nothing... And my works were in vain.
