I think I may be running out of "titles" for blog posts. This just seems to be the most appropriate title to my tired mind right now. So, I am gonna run with it! Over the last two months, we have lost our business, discovered what it is to scrape every penny we can find just to make (some) of the ends meet. We have had moments of seeming victory (like when they allowed us to pay our car note over two months time instead of having two notes due) - and we have had moments of sure defeat (like when we discovered that no credit card company would work with us prior to our going into collections for 6 months - thus completely destroying our credit). But, praise the Lord, we have had enough food to eat, and we have been able to keep our home and our cars. God is providing week by week for the needs that we have - he has been consistently providing for us. He is faithful - even when we don't deserve it.
We have had Verizon "accidentally" draft almost $1000.00 from our account, to be met with the response of "We are so sorry, but there is nothing we can do about that - your refund check will be issued in about 8 weeks." We have had so many things like that happen - and in all this - there cannot be closure to our "failed" business. It is enough to make one feel like a worthless liar and a cheat...
Sometimes, the only ways not to lose hope is to remember that this too is only a season, and this too shall pass. I will be honest, I am weary of the daycare burden. I was so ready to shake the dust from my feet. Accepting defeat from the foes that threatened (from the very beginning) to close our doors, and yet, maintaining victory because we know with all of our hearts that we were dealt with outside the realms of justice. We know that God reached in and rescued me from my sure demise. The stress and pressure of being the owner was killing my soul. So, with that stress removed - I began to feel life return to my weary bones. But, because of the funds we owe to others... this door is seemingly never going to close, and I am growing ever weary of not knowing what is right - thus bringing a heaviness in my soul that I cannot see removed by my own hand or works. I find each week that there is some other thing left undone, and I am so tired of it all. This is the part I don't understand. I don't know why it had to be this way. If only someone would have wanted to take the business over, and pay us even a small amount of money for the "training" we could give... we would have had money to pay off the debts that we owe. If only the people that owed us would have paid.... If we had just closed it down rather than going in debt to try and keep it open.... we could "if" it to death...
As it is, we owe everyone it seems. We owe the IRS, we owe customers, we owe our accountant, we owe the city of college station, we owe... we owe... Equally as heavy is determining what to do when we do get a few dollars. We owe 20 people, four companies, and the government. How are we supposed to determine who is most worthy to receive their payment first? Do we draw names from a hat? Do we somehow try to judge who is really in the most need for their money? Really? Who is man that he can determine such things? And yet, this is the task that I feel I have been given. I hate it. Many people can make judgements about how we got into this predicament in the first place. I don't blame you, often I wonder the same thing. Every decision seemed to be the right one at the time. Maybe we should have just closed it down in December when we didn't have the funds to keep it going. We felt like we were doing everyone a great service by loving on their children, and by offering jobs - even as it cost us dearly in credit card expenses. I don't even know if I can answer that question, but one thing I know... I am ready, so ready to be out of this place. Those decisions have long since been made, right or wrong, and I am ready to start a new chapter- I am ready to see how the Lord will deal with this mess that still threatens to completely make me lose hope. It is not that I am not willing to work however hard it is necessary. I truly am. But, I am more aware right now, that I am powerless to make anything happen. It is at times like this, that I have to remember that He who created me, knows my future and His plans are good. I will not lose hope, because my hope is not in my ability (or my husband's) to work hard enough to get it taken care of. My hope is fully formed in the One who holds the stars in His hands.
My hope is found in nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness,
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
That is my hope. Before Him, I already stand blameless, though on the earth, I am riddled with guilt. This is my hope that Jesus paid all of my debts - and somehow, He in His faithfulness will help us make it right in due time. When all around my soul gives way... He then, is all my hope and stay.
Thank you Jesus, that you are all that I need. You are everything I need to make it through. Though my name may be dragged through the muck and the mire, and though man may hold our lives under a microscope, I am so thankful that You, the Creator, are full of mercy and grace, and you continue to extend it to even the lowest of men. Thank you God, for planning for our future, even when we failed to do so. Thank you God, that everything you allow into our lives is for the purpose of bringing you glory and offering us hope. Thank you Jesus that you make all things new. In due time. Yes, in due time, you will make all things new. You will provide the offering so that we may stand - even in this situation that seems like it has no end, thank you that you know the day it will. Thank you that you know the exact hour, and by what means our monetary debts will be paid off and we will start with a clean slate. Thank you, Lord for your forgiveness when we are faithless. Thank you for your love that never quits on us. Somehow may we bring you glory through this. Somehow, may your name receive honor and praise in the midst of this mess.... only You, Lord, can do things as great as that!
All of a sudden, many of the little, strange parts of my experience... like puzzle pieces were all coming together to form something I hadn't been able to see before. It was like I had a giant puzzle that was full of beautiful scenery - in patches - but had many pieces missing... and all of a sudden whole areas of the puzzle were becoming filled in - revealing even more beautiful landscapes than I had been able to distinguish from the hole-ridden puzzle only moments before. I hope that makes sense. 
