Wednesday, February 20, 2013

2 weeks, 1 day and 4 hours ago...

There are no words to describe the actual battle that is taking place in my heart this morning. Just a day over 2 weeks ago, on a morning much like this one, I woke that big man-boy up telling him over and over he was gonna be late if he didn't get out of bed.  He was in a real hurry, so we didn't even do our morning "good-bye Jacob" routine.  I was supposed to make him waffles.  I forgot.  So, an hour later, I texted him telling him I was sorry for forgetting.  He replied, "It's fine mom!!!"  Ha.  He always said that.  Or, "It's okay mom."  or my very favorite, "Calm down mom."  Ha!  He would text that to me in the middle of the day.  I would be working and get a random text that told me, "Calm down mom."  He always knew how to make me laugh.  He brought me a smile throughout every day with random texts and the way that he invited me in to his life.  It is rare that a boy, 15 years old, invites his mom to know about his school day - or his Bible study - or anything really.  But, he shared so much with me.  What a blessing.  What a gift.   

Reading my last post - about my brave little girl and how she belongs to my God... Knowing with all of my heart that God has purpose much greater than I can imagine in all that has taken place... it is still so hard for this momma heart in me to believe it is real.

My boy.
My 15 year old son...
My first born...

Well, he is resting - free from sin and pain and burdens. He is in Heaven with my Jesus, and my momma.

But, yet I am here. I am hurting to the depth of my soul this morning. As my body is racked with pain and my soul is crying out to God Most High for comfort... I am telling my God that He is worthy.
He alone is worthy!!

You see, when I said that all of my children are on loan from Him - I meant it from a deep place in my soul. He gave my son breath. He gave him life. He knit him together in my womb. That precious boy grew inside of me, and it was my joy to raise him.

It was my joy.

He honored me in a way that didn't make sense. That precious boy... but he had completed all the tasks he was assigned here. He walked in a way that spread joy and kindness. He always had a kind word. He had a quick smile - and a protective big brother heart. We are grieving the loss of much more than just a boy. He was a son - an amazing son. He was a brother... such a tender-hearted brother. He was such a source of strength for me. Yes, this morning, my pain is very real. My heart is torn - and there is a place inside of me that is just ready for my Savior to come and rescue me. I am ready to be taken from this world of pain and sorrow. That was what I said as I sat there next to his lifeless body.  I am so jealous.  You beat me - you are in the presence of Jesus before me!!  I hope he could look down and see my fit.  He would have laughed at me and said, "Calm down mom."

And this morning, we are in Houston - having an MRI done for Mia.  Normally, I don't think it would have bothered me much.  But, I recognized the fear in my heart as they took my little girl back.  She fought sedation (which is normal), but it shook me up.  I didn't like to watch her like that.  It stirred fear in my heart.  What if the enemy has asked to steal her from me too?  What if I just signed papers and something goes wrong... and then it is my fault...  Oh we have a very sly enemy.

Her life, her precious little life is not in my hands -nor is it in the hands of my clever enemy.  I can not make any decision regarding how long her time on this earth is.  If my son has taught me anything through this - it is that his time, his life, was always completely out of my hands.  And, it is the same with my precious daughters and sons at home.  They belong to my God.  He created them... knit them together... and then gave them to me as gifts on loan.  I love to be a momma.  I really love it.

I guess, because this is long, I will wrap it up... God is worthy.  He alone is worthy of the pain in my heart.  He holds every tear of mine in a bottle.  He does not delight in my grieving.  He grieves with me.  He has provided many friends and family to grieve with me as well.  But, life does go on.  It has to go forward.  And, as we put one foot in front of the other, I am comforted by the truth that my God is walking both before me and behind me.  He is going to stay right beside me through all of this.  He will be my strength and my shield.  My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.  

54 comments:

carrie said...

Tears for you and the pain that i know is indescribable. God reminded me a couple of weeks ago that during my time of grief at the loss of Bob, he told me, "I'm not mad at you." That gave me such release to truly grieve in every sense of the word, including the questioning and the hurt and confusion.

Samantha Andrade said...

This post is so moving. Your honesty and faith throughout this unimaginably difficult time has shaken me. I have been praying for your family and even asked my Bible Study to pray for you all as well. It has been incredible to see your sincere love for the Lord and share that with people that are praying, who don't even know you.
Your faith is being tested, yet the enemy is not bringing you down.

I grieve with you. I cry. And I also rejoice in the Lord, who, as you so perfectly stated, is the only one worthy.
It has shaken me and caused me to grip tightly to the only One who can hold me and loosen my grip on anything else I thought could comfort.

Thank you for your faith and for sharing it.

God bless those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Amen!

Julie Jones Fowler said...

I'm speechless...we've never met, but I can guarantee I am praying.

Anonymous said...

Im so sorry for your lost. I dont know what to say, because there are NO WORDS, just tears. I know God is with you and know the community also mourns with your family. Im a mother too, of two beautiful teenagers. I really cant imangine and I dont want too if they were gone before me. God, gives us strength to carry on in this hard world. Our comfort is in Jesus, where one day. We will all be together again, and never be seprated from our love ones ever again. Those that believe in Jesus hold Jesus to this promise. And Jesus NEVER lets US DOWN. Take care.... God Bless and please Dear God comforts us like only you know how. Amen

Jenn Haskew said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Your faith is more encouraging than you could ever know.

Anonymous said...

For GOD so loved the world, that HE gave HIS only begotten SON, that whosoever believeth in HIM should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 ..."calm down mom" your son in heaven is saying .. you have a mighty angel watching over You sweet momma thru all the storms .. I loved your words to us from your momma' lovin' heart .. well spoken blessing's sandy atkinson

Glynis said...

You are such an inspiration. Keep seeking the joy that can sometimes only be found in the darkest places, because that is where the Light shines the brightest. God bless you.

Margaret said...

I am so sorry that your son is no longer with you. I cannot imagine your pain but I am crying for you as I type. Your solid faith, resting on our Rock, is an incredible testimony to me and others. If God ever takes one of my babies early, I hope I can react as you have.

Many blessings on your family.

Lynda said...

I know the days seem very dark but believe me that if you trust in Heavenly Father you will find the strength to go on. We lost our son 3 years ago, I know the place you are in. It seems so unfair, this is not the natural order of things, why? I don't think we really get these answers here. However, at some point when we are all reunited this time here on earth without them will seem like a blink of an eye. Trust in a patient, kind, loving Heavenly Father he will help you through this. One of the best bits of advice I got was, "When you feel like crying you should cry". It was great advice and while the days of crying were very close together at the beginning they do get farther and farther apart. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Please know that you have people, mothers like myself, that you don't even know grieving with you and for you. May God wrap his loving, healing arms around you and give you peace and may He heal your broken hearts as only He can.

Jana said...

Through tears I type this, not fully understanding the pain you have to be going through. You are an AMAZING mama and follower of Christ. It is women like you that have kept me going in my new walk with Christ. To have that un-ending love you have for Him, even through all your pain and suffering you still look to Him. I strive to have even a tiny piece of that love for Jesus. His love is amazing and He will gt you through this. As a mom to many children myself, it has only come to me recently that HE loves my children even more than I do. Something I couldn't even comprehend in the past. Thank you for writing this through your sorrow. Thank you for being a Light in a world of darkness. ♥

Catherine M said...

I am so sorry for your aching heart. It seems so inadequate to say. I follow Mandy's blog and have been praying for you since she posted about your son's sudden homegoing. As I have been praying for you and your family, Psalm 139 has been brought to my heart over and over. Not the part that talks about the Lord knowing the number of our days or how we are knit beautifully in our mother's womb. But, the first part of the chapter. God knows you, Christy! He knows when you wake and when you sleep. He knows what you are going to say before you do. He knows exactly how you are going to cry out to Him! He has His hand upon you! There is no place you can flee from his presence- not in the depths of your pain, your disbelief, your anger. In all of those places He is there, His hand upon you. He is with you when you praise Him and faithfully bring His name glory. And when you cry so hard your fear the the darkness will overwhelm you, and the light around you will be night, know that even the darkness is not dark to Him- it is as bright as the day! I am praying for you, that this would be where you find rest. That the Lord would cover you with a sense of safety and grace as you continue to trust Him with your daughter. Peace be upon you and your home as you walk through the valley.

Anne said...

I have come to know your story (or part of it) through your sister-in-law's blog, Biblical Homemaking. You have been in this momma's heart ever since I learned of this journey the Lord has you on right now. I was just sharing a verse & song via fb today that I thought might be an encouragement for you, too. Thank you for your transparency during such a time as this & thank you for allowing us to pray for you & those touched by Jake's life, even those of us who will only meet you at the feet of Jesus in Heaven some day.

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart faileth: But God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."

Here's a song, too.
Oh, soul are you weary & troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There's light for a look at the Savior, and light more abundant and free!
His Word shall not fail you-He promised; believe Him and will be well: Then go to a world that is dying, His perfect salvation to tell!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of HIs glory and grace.

Angelica said...

praying that you feel the arms of Jesus wrap tightly around you during this unimaginably tough time. :( thank you for being such an incredible example of what God intended mothers to be.

Jennifer said...

From the first moment each of my babies were laid in my arms we prayed and gave them back to God. I fully understand this commitment, they are not ours. But the reality of having to live through letting them go to Him is not something I'm sure I could bear. Oh, but He is so good and He shines through you so brightly as you speak of your precious boy. Who knows what purpose He is working in this but rest assured He is. Our family is praying for yours so deeply that the peace, comfort, love and strength that only the Father can give will cover you completely. God Bless. Your son would be so proud of his Mom!!

Tina said...

I have a 15 year old son, my first, my baby boy who has taught me so much and is growing into a man, who I share the same sense of humor with, we just get eachother...funny, sweet, much like your son...he would have loved to have seen/heard his presentation on Barbie. :) It's because of this that even the thought of losing him is so overwhelming...and I cry with you, mother tears. I can only begin to understand your ache. In your worst hours, when it hurts to breathe, your soul screams and you feel in the darkest pit...you are not alone. We are surrounding and uplifting you with prayer, strangers that we are...yet united, mothers, sisters...and he is ever faithful, he will never forsake you, he fully understands and will carry you. God bless, mama. <3

Ashley said...

Your faith amidst the greatest pain you'll probably know, is INCREDIBLE. You are what real faith looks like. You are bringing honor & glory to the Most High King. Thank you for sharing your "hot heart" for those of us who have grown lukewarm. Thank you.

Priscilla said...

I have never met you but my heary is with you!!! I endured a difficult, painful trial and I can understand your pain. Thank you for your honesty, that alone is a tremendous testimony for us! I will continue to pray for you and your family! May He comfort you deeply today!

Kira said...

So incredibly sorry for the tragedy your family has experienced. I'm so amazed and truly encouraged by your faith and strength during this terrible time of loss. We do serve a wondeful God and everything we have is His, but as a mother I know how difficult it is to truly give our children over to Him. I will be lifting you up in prayer. May God bless you and your family.

Mandy said...

i can not even imagine. i am lifting you up in prayer that our almightly God would bless you through this, and that His kingdom work would live on in jacob's legacy.

Anonymous said...

Much much love to you and your family.

Mel @ Trailing After God said...

My heart breaks for you and I have prayed for your family many times over this loss. Hugs from Oregon as you move through the mire and muck of grief we can only imagine.

Adrienne Reina said...

I am praying for you, and your faith has given me encouragement. To love more, to be more. Thank you for sharing your heart and transparency. You are an encouragement to so many!

God Bless you,
Adrienne

Sonya B said...

I found out about your loss through reading your sister-in-law, Mandi's blog. I'm so very sorry what you are going through, and as a mother myself, I weep for you. I want to thank you for allowing the beauty of God shine through your words during what must be the darkest time possible. Your words have touched my heart so deeply. I will pray for you and your family!

In Christian love,
Sonya

Anonymous said...

I can truly relate to your aches and pains and yet know God is still God and He loves us and knows more than we understand. My daughter, first born, lover of life and a beacon of sunshine to all that she met. Died a sudden and unexplained ( for more than 6 weeks) death. That was June 24th of last year. I will pray for you... as I am fully aware that prayers of others is what held us together when in our depths could not pray for ourselves. Please feel free to contact me. I know you have many around you who love and support you... but I found they were not always the ones I could share with. Sometimes...typing...and crying without people watching (ugly cry face) is easier. I found sharing, sometimes with strangers who knew what I was feeling, helped.
And crying...crying does help... it is a release and in it's own way healing.
Teri

Anonymous said...

May God comfort you in the way only He knows how. My heart aches for all of you.

Jhenna Conway said...

Sobbing, I read. Beautiful faith, trust, and love for God is rarely seen in your pain. Joyous celebration for your son for he is walking with Jesus in perfect Christ likeness! I sent this to my 14 year old son for him to read in the quiet of his day. Bless you and your family!

Milissa said...

Thank you for reminding me that God grieves with us....I have been so sad that my teenage son hasn't gotten what he wanted recently for college. But your story! It reminds me to hold my son tight, to cherrish even when he says to me "don't worry Mom", and to know his God is my God..

God has brought you to my mind so many times recently...To pray for you you, to remind me that He is in charge, that we need to praise Him without ceasing, and that if you can still praise Him through this then you're right! He is worthy! He is Worthy!

Leigh Anne said...

Visiting from Mandi's blog.....my heart aches for you and your family. Your words are amazing to me....your trust & your faith are inspiring despite walking through the valley. My prayers are with you!

Jessica Ehrhart said...

Lifting you up in prayer.

MJ said...

Praying for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being real. I am so sorry that you are suffering right now. I have not lost a child but I can understand the pain you feel. I have also felt that pain and it was as if I was drowning and it took everything I had to keep my head above water. The pain is real but yet our Jesus is more real. I love that you said your children are on loan from God. I feel the same exact way! I am a single mom with one daughter whom I dedicated to the Lord as a newborn. Each day is a gift and a pleasure to be a mom. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I know of your loss because of your sister-in-law's blog. I am keeping you in prayer. I have a 14 1/2 year olds son and just cannot imagine. But, over and over I keep learning that our children are HIS. May God give you and your family peace and comfort. Dawn B.

Amy Jo @ Sunny Skies and Sweet Tea said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious and handsome son. I pray that you will find comfort from the Lord. My heart is breaking for you....

In Christ,
Amy Jo

{darlene} @ fieldstonehill said...

praying for you today. praying.

hockfrockandlily said...

My face is wet with tears, and my heart is grieving for you and your precious family. Praying hard for you all.....

Shelley said...

My precious sister in Christ - my heart is so moved by your words, by your love of your son, and that of your Father God. Yes, we have a very real enemy, but he is defeated. Here on this earth we live, and we lose battles. We don't always understand the journey, but I do know we win. I read the end of the book and we win. Love wins.
I will purpose to pray for you, for your family. The dark days ahead are yet unknown, but we have a known God. And He knows.
You have reminded me to stay thankful. I still have 3 sons at home, ages 14-20, and lets just say, we sometimes have those bad days. They are precious, and you have reminded me that they are just on loan. We do our best and we can't do better if we have the assurance of their salvation. I'm so glad you have that for your precious son. I pray you feel the infinite grace of God's amazing comfort, as He holds you close on this journey. Be comforted.

Latisha said...

Your words are so moving. What a wonderful tribute to your son. And what a testimony to share the special relationship you and your son have. I am praying for you and the rest of your family that God would give you comfort and strength and the He would be enough to sustain you in this terrible time. There are no words for the loss that you have suffered but I pray that you will find comfort in the warm, loving memories of your son. May God be with you.

Heather @ It's A Long Story said...

Hi Christy. You don't know me, I'm a reader of Mandy's, but I wanted you to know that you have been in my prayers. Your strength amazes me. I'm praying for His peace which passes all understanding.

Whitney Puckett said...

I am beyond humbled by your strength and faith. To lose a child...I just can't imagine.

I pray that God will envelop you with his love, giving comfort to your grieving soul. May God bless you and keep you, I pray in the holy name of Jesus.

Anonymous said...

Your faith, in the midst of your deep pain, is clearly from the one, true hope that was gifted to us from our Abba above when he gave us Jesus. I will continue to pray for you and your family...thank you for allowing us into your journey.

Delia said...

Wow Christy, I am so deeply touched by your pain. I cannot imagine what you must be going though... Your faith, your surrender to Christ, in the midst of such tragic gloss, is a reflection of His amazing grace in you. You radiate His aroma so powerfully, even in this place of sorrow. May He comfort you and keep you in His peace.

Rebecca said...

I don't know you, but I want to hug you. Prayer said for you and your family. May God give you the kind of peace and healing only He can give!

Teresa R said...

Christy, I wrap my arms around you and share my tears with you. I lost my 32 yr old daughter Oct 2011. Don't we have an awesome Heavenly Father who will allow us to crawl into His lap and shed our tears while He holds us in His arms and comforts us.

Angela said...

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family and will continue to do so. God bless you and keep you.

kristina said...

Dear Dear Christy, I can only pray and hope for God's all-knowing and comforting Hands to wipe every tear from your face and hold you so tight that you again praise Him for his steadfastness!! He will NEVER leave His children! And your little boy-man will be waiting at Heaven's gates for you :') May God's name be praise through your faith through the darkness. You are not alone. Many blessings to you!!

mgold said...

Dear Christy,

I am so incredible sorry for your loss. As I read your post my heart aches for you and your family. Your faith being lived out is such an encouragement to me and others. I pray for peace for you and your family. To see you say that God is good after such loss is amazing and gives me encouragement to know that God is good and is faithful and will be with us all always. May God's light and love shine in you and around you always.
Sister in Christ, Mina

Aimee Reyes said...

Dear Christy,

I was introduced to your blog through Mandy. You are amazing and inspirational and I hope that we all learn from you. I truly hope (even though you don't know me!) that people are praying for you and thinking of your family. Losing a child is the most pain I could ever think of going through. It's true - your son is free of sin and pain; what a gift! And the gift you gave him was knowing our Father. Blessings to you.

April said...

I am so very sorry. My heart just aches for you and your family. Please just take comfort in knowing that your son is ALIVE! He is living a perfect life in heaven with Jesus and one day, you will see him again. God is going to use his life in a mighty way.

Lori Stinebaugh said...

Chrisy, thank you for your sharing and opening your heart to all and God's love. The fact that you bless so many in such a hard time is testament of your love for the Lord. I know He will bless you for your obedience and faith. I love you and am sending hugs your way.

JoyBelle said...

I have found you through your SIL's blog and just had to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. I know he's with Jesus and that he was God's to begin with - but he was formed in your womb and you were his mother. There's no greater loss than a mother grieving over her child. I pray that the God of peace will surround you, hold you and remind you, "I know it hurts and I'm sorry and I'm here."

Anonymous said...

May God continue to bless you and your family, as you are indeed such a blessing to others. Praying for you.

Rachel Leigh said...

Dear, dear Christy... My heart aches for you and I can only imagine the pain and sorrow that your heart feels. Your faith is such an inspiration to all of us and I pray that I could be as trusting as you, if God takes mine home before me... Hugs across the miles dear sister in Christ! Praying for you and your family...

Christy Simmons said...

Sweet friends, and new friends that I don't really know... thank you for stopping by and leaving your encouragements here. God bless each one of you that took time to speak sweet words to my aching heart. I am so thankful for your tears for my family. I am thankful that you have shared in our grief. God is helping us daily through the very prayers that you are offering on our behalf. What a sweet blessing it is to have so many praying for us. I wish I could comment personally on each precious comment here. But, know from a deep place in my heart how grateful I am for each on of you. ~Christy