A million tears and counting...

 This past 24 hours I think I have cried over a million tears.  

I have laid, arms out wide on the hard tile and sobbed until my body hurt.  I have sat in a comfy chair in my bedroom and held tight to Jacob's old pillow that still smells like him, and screamed out to the Lord,

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!!!"  Over and over again.  I don't know how to do this...  

I have cried as I cleaned.  Cried as I worshiped.  Cried as I played piano.  Cried as I watched Billy Graham's "My Hope America."  

I have cried and I will cry more - maybe even as I type here.  

I was listening to worship music and this song came on.  This song that I have had on my playlist for a very long time.  But, I hadn't taken the time, in the stillness to hear it.  Of course, the Lord used it to minister to my heart.  Right where I am today.  In this broken place.  In this place where time can't go slow enough and time can't go fast enough...  

The words are from Bebo Norman's song, "The Middle".  I have put all of them below because maybe just maybe one of you will be touched by them.  And, if not, then I am giving you a glimpse into the grief I hold in my heart...  It is okay for me to grieve, my way, for as long as it takes to get back to the trust I have in my God.  Anyway, here are the words to the song...

It's as if You could find me anywhere
That I could go, to try to hide my thoughts from You

But just like some runaway I'm leaving here
With half a mind that hopes of getting caught

So we can just drive home in the dark
Where we'll let our, our feelings fly
They'll cut like shame to break me down again
Until there's nothing left but for me to tell You I'm, I'm sorry

But I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm still reeling

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

It's as if there's a world uncovered by
The break of day all these miles away but for a better view
Of what's left in the aftermath of all these years
It's just so hard to know who I am in You

So I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm not ready for this

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

Alright, everybody says I'll be alright
Everybody says it's a good fight
I'm not seeing it now

All I know is I swear this
It feels a little more like a secret
And I don't know if I should just keep it
To myself, but my love, my love

I don't wanna go home now
Stuck here in the middle alone now
Everybody's singing their song now
But I'm still reeling

I'm not trying to run away from
This beautiful life I've been given
I'm not looking for freedom
Maybe just a little meaning here in the middle
Here in the middle, here in the middle
Here in the middle, yeah, here in the middle

I think it is time to share things that are widely unknown about this season in my life.  

Divorce papers were filed last December.  16 and a half years of marriage - over.

You see, the divorce papers are rarely the beginning of the divorce.  Sometimes there are many years of marriage that are lived in a state of divorce.  Thus was the situation with us.  Many years ago I was sleeping alone every night.  Many years ago we were living separate lives.  Many years ago bitterness stole the beauty of marriage...  many years ago hearts were hard - to the breaking point.  

This will not be a post filled with blame and accusation.  The enemy has done plenty of that.  It is so clear to my heart why God hates divorce.  It is an ugly thing.  Entirely ugly - through and through.  Though, because of hardness of heart and the depth of sin- sometimes it is necessary in order to not be destroyed for the sake of outward appearances.

The day I lost my son, I was still trying to figure out how I was going to come around to understand the grief and the loss of the marriage I had invested all of my heart in for so long.  I was grieving over what it would do to my children.  I was grieving over what it said about me.  What it said about hope.  What it said about so many things...

And, then, the worst day came.  The call came.  The absolute shock came.  

More loss.  A loss deeper than any I have ever had in my life. 

I still don't know how to do this.  I am grasping tightly to the hand of promise that I know is there.  But, grief would be hard enough if we could lean into each other...  if I had a husband on whose shoulder I could lean.  Grief would be hard enough if I could be home with my kids every day - being a momma.  But, to do this with no husband to lean on...  it seems more than I was meant to bear.  Truth is - it is more than I was meant to carry.

You see, I know the TRUTH that God is always here for me.  I know that He is my hiding place.  He is the only one that can bring comfort to me in the deep ways that I need it.  But, I want to be honest here.  I don't want to pretend that I don't long to be held in strong arms that belong to one on the earth who loves me.  I have many friends that are always there to offer arms of comfort.  But, please do not minimize my pain, and I will try not to diminish the greatness of Christ to me.

The many years of pain in my marriage thrust me to the feet of Jesus in ways that nothing else could have.  So, there is beauty in the loss...  But, it is a great loss.. It is the loss of every girl's dream to be treasured.  Every girl's dream to be protected and loved.  Every girl's dream to have someone who thinks she is worth fighting for.  It is the loss of what God intended marriage to be a picture of...

I don't know how to simultaneously grieve these things.  All I know that I am singing out to the Lord these words...

"than any comfort, Jesus is better, make my heart believe.  Our souls declaring, 'Jesus is better', make my heart believe.... our song eternal 'Jesus is better' make my heart believe."

I do believe that.  I know it to be true.  So very true!  But, there are still times that I have to cry out to God - begging Him to increase my faith - increase my faith that indeed HE IS ENOUGH.  

He gave His Son.  His one and only Son.  For me.  A fault-filled, broken, sinner...  He gave His Son, willingly.  

I cried out over and over last night that I DID NOT give my son willingly.  I didn't.  I am not okay with it.  Sometimes I don't think the pain and the fog will ever lift. 

Please pray for me.  Please pray for my heart.  Please pray for my precious children who are coming into their first set of Holidays without their amazing older brother, and their second set of Holidays with their parents apart.  We need your prayers.  Daily still.  Some days the pain is even more intense now than it was in the beginning.  Please withhold your judgement...  work it out with God, not me,  and pray earnestly for His intervention in our lives. 

And, now to readjust my focus... because honesty is good to a point.  However, some of these things come from feelings - and a lesson that the book of Job holds for us is that our feelings and our circumstances do not give truth or clarity to who God really is.

(photo credit is not mine - found this through google images)

You see the King of Kings sees me.  He knows all of my tears.  He can handle every fear.  He can handle every ounce of anger.  He can handle all of my doubts.  He can handle all of me - every strong emotion.  After all, He created me.  He formed me and He knows that I am only dust.  He knows that I do not see clearly.  He knows that on my own, I have no hope or righteousness at all.  And HE delights in me.  Because He was willing to send His Son to His death for me - He accepts me right where I am.  He is not judging me, or my emotions.  He is proud of me - as His beloved daughter.  With all of my flaws, with all of my hurts, with every bit of who I am that is too much for any other person... He takes me and tells me that He will never leave or forsake me.  

What kind of love is this?

What kind of God stoops down and is mindful of man?  Only the most Holy, Loving God.  

This Christmas I am asking for Him to reveal Himself in a MIGHTY way in my life.  I am begging Him for a miracle - for beauty from these ashes.  And, I am just crazy enough to believe that He hears me.