Sweet Stillness!

I wish you could be here with me. Well, that is not entirely true. I wish you could be somewhere like I am able to be right now. But, honestly, I am really enjoying my time alone. It is 65 degrees. The sun is out - with a few clouds - and the breeze is cool. Birds are singing all around me and I am sitting on a balcony overlooking beautiful trees - and in the distance - a quiet lake. There is a hush in the air. A stillness, a peacefulness that I rarely partake of at home.

I had hours this morning of worship. Sometimes singing... sometimes praying... sometimes just sitting in stillness before the Lord, and sometimes trying to erase the billion thoughts jumbled in my head. We sang a song that moved my heart. I want to sing it out loud - I want to play it on the piano. “All I want is you and all I need is found only in your heart.” The melody is almost haunting... it is so beautiful. It is as if it grips your heart and pulls you toward something you know to be true, but you rarely acknowledge as the truth by your actions.

Why it is easier here to skip a nap and study I am not fully sure of. The weather is perfect. The balcony doesn’t hurt anything, nor do the trees and birds. It is easy to see a stillness that exists in the earth. A quiet restfulness that isn’t sleep, but is as restful as if I had taken a long nap. My precious baby girl is sleeping peacefully downstairs. She has been a delight.

I am so aware of the sin in my life right now. Though it isn’t as if the Lord is bringing it all to light to slay me with it. It just breaks my heart that it is keeping me from intimacy with Him. I have been eating like a crazy woman. I am constantly craving sweets and things that are not necessarily healthy for my body. And I am giving in a lot to those cravings of my flesh. I have given in to the desire for sleep and the desire to feed my flesh so often. It is like I am given over to desires that Jesus came to free me from. It isn’t that He doesn’t want me to have sweets, or to get sleep... He commands us to rest - to take a Sabbath... and yet, I am so unbalanced in the way that I choose to live in these areas. I have always been quite the extremist. One day completely abstaining from the things that numb my heart and the next indulging until I am almost sick from the emptiness gained from the filling of my flesh.

I am reminded of (and thankful for) Paul’s words in Romans “who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Yes, praise be to God for Jesus who made atonement for all of the sin of the earth. So that if we but receive the gift of Grace given to us - we can be free from this sin that easily entangles! This is beautiful in Hebrews.. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak Samson, David...) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” He did it all for the joy set before Him. And do you know what that joy is? He is now at the right hand of the Father - for eternity! And because of His sacrifice, we will one day join Him in Heaven. Why is it so hard to live this life as if it is as temporary as it really is? We will be here just a moment, and then it will all pass away and only the things done for eternity will last! I want to get this!!! Well, I am off to spend more time in the scriptures. What an amazing day! I am so thankful for my husband who allows me this time... this time to get away and be still with the Lord. What a precious gift he is to me. What a precious gift he has given me!

Thankfulness...

“If you have played the fool and exalted yourself, or if you have planned evil, clap your hand over your mouth! For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” Proverbs 30:32-33

So, in my life I have certainly played the fool. I am afraid that my biggest struggle is that of exalting myself. It is ugly to say - especially to share... but it is true. It has been often that I exalt myself in my mind (and to others). I love to be noticed. I love to be told how wonderful I am. I feel as if I deserve that in many ways. God has been revealing some pretty ugly things inside of me lately. I love that about Him. He wants me to be holy. He wants me to bring Him glory in all that I do. But, the more I exalt me the less I exalt Him. It is the nature of things. John the baptist had this wisdom. It is why he said, “I must become less... He must become more.” Yes. That is the key.

I have been thankless. I have been self-centered. I have thought more highly of myself than I ought. I have been unforgiving. I have been lazy. There it is - all out in ink now.

Whew. That feels good. It feels good to just know that I can say all of those things and God loves me just the same. His opinion of me isn't diminished. I want to become a woman who gives thanks for all things.

I am married to an amazing man. I am married to a man who is just and loving. I am married to a man that desires to be a “good and faithful servant”. I praise the Lord for that. He is a very handsome man. He is my hero. He is my love.

I have five beautiful children. FIVE! Wow! I am so blessed. Three amazing sons and two beautiful daughters. How great is the love that the Father has lavished on us!

I want to write. I want to sing. I want to live a life that is fragrant with Worship of the King. The Only One Worthy. He is my Everything. I want that to pour from me like a beautiful melody. Like a song that makes everyone feel good and joyful. I want to bring sunshine to every place I go. I want to put off the things that are weak and frail and pick up the things that are strong in the Lord! I want my heart to be moved by the things that move His heart.

That is all for now. Not all that is in my heart. Just all I have time to share :)

Oh Mia, Mia...

This girl really does get more beautiful every day! I am adding some images here per request of my sweet sister in law! She reminded me that I hadn't posted anything in a while... So, here is this precious baby girl... In her jean jacket and shoes... Oh my goodness! She is REALLY enchanting!

Been a while...

So, it has been a WHILE since I updated... I am sorry. Mia is beautiful and growing more beautiful everyday! She is learning to belly laugh - mostly at Jake - and still smiles almost all the time. Jude is hilarious! He is saying words like, "eat, up, down, Jude, Joc, Momma, Dadda, more..." and several others. He will show you his belly if you ask him (and sometimes if you don't)... he will show you where his nose is and his mouth (one of my favorites). He also blows kisses and knows how to tell his brothers and sisters he is sorry when he hurts them. He is really something else!!! Jared is doing great in school and is becomming quite the artist! He is so good at drawing and just being sweet!Maddy made a 100% on her TAKS test. Yep, she didn't miss one. Oh brother, brains and beauty... what do we have ahead of us??? And Jake - well... he finally did it. He is as tall as me. He measures exactly the same height as me... but not for long I am sure! I will be looking up to him very soon I am afraid!We have taken the whole family camping once and we are going to go again soon. I am really looking forward to it! The kids really do well... and Jude LOVES the outdoors! We don't have a date yet for the finalization of the adoption... but we know it will be June. So we are really excited about that! That is all for now... got to go tuck in kids... WAYYY past bed time now :)

Twelve Minutes

Time is an earthly thing. We run our lives by it... we must because everyone does. We have times to be at school or work, and times that are "free". Time to eat lunch, and time to go to bed... The Bible talks about times... It says that there is a time for every activity under heaven. "A time to be born and a time to die" is the first one it describes. The first two seasons under heaven mentioned are that of the beginning and of the end of our lives. There was a set apart time for Mia to be born. God knew exactly when that was. I never really doubted that He had our daughter in His capable hands through the adoption process. He is Sovereign and altogether perfect. Nothing catches Him off guard or surprises Him. So, on December the 4th He knew just when to prompt our birthmom to call the ambulance.
We were given Mia's medical papers a few weeks ago. I looked over every inch of the pages that we were given. I don't normally do that kind of thing. I get frustrated when I get a new cell phone because it doesn't work like my last one, and I don't like to take the time to read over the instructions. I am a bit lazy in regards to that, and quite honestly, disinterested... though, if I would read about it, I would save myself a lot of trouble with the device... Anyway, this was VERY different. I wasn't there when Mia was born. I wasn't there to watch Candice begin labor, or there as she came crying and a little blue into this world. So, I wanted to know every detail I could from these papers with very small - illegible handwriting.
As I read through the medical papers for our daughter, one of the first things I noticed was that Candice didn't have any pain medication... a million things flooded through my mind. I am a BIG advocate of the epidural. I love to enjoy my babies and hold them and not feel the complete and total pain of the delivery. I don't have a big spiritual opinion on that, but it has worked for me four times, and I don't regret it - even for one minute. Anyway, I just couldn't imagine it - how hard it would have been for her. This whole process would have been so painful emotionally... but now physically... I was heartbroken. And then as I kept reading every word... every line, I noticed something else. This was something that would make me even more in awe of our God. This God whom I KNEW held her in His hands...
Mia was born at 12:47 in the afternoon. Mia's birthmom, Candice was admitted to the hospital at 12:35 in the afternoon. Twelve minutes after she was admitted, there was a beautiful, blue, tiny baby girl in the delivery room. Mia wasn't breathing very well when she was born and had to have oxygen (this I also found out from the papers). Twelve minutes separated our little girl from being born in a house, not breathing well... and her actual delivery - safe and sound at St. Joe's hospital in Bryan. I can't put to words adequately how much peace that gives me. God timed it perfectly. Perfectly.
Twelve minutes... I can't blow dry my hair in twelve minutes. Two minutes extra of traffic, or five minutes more of waiting... every step that Candice made could have changed the outcome. God knew. He always knew. And He had His very loving hands all over our baby girl. It makes me look at each twelve minutes we're given. If you knew that any given decision you make in a day could affect another person's life that drastically - how would you live? I hope I am making sense. If you stopped for twelve minutes to talk to that lady that you see everyday, in the coffee shop that looks so lonely... how would that change you? How would it change her? If you left twelve minutes earlier for work - or for you workaholics, twelve minutes later... what would that do to your day? If you talked about Jesus to your friends for twelve minutes... do you see what I am saying? There is a time for everything under heaven. There is a time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to greive and a time to dance, a time to embrace and a time to turn away... a time to search and a time to quit searching... Ecclesiastes 3 is where God shows us that there is a season for everything... a time to live... a time to be born... Thank you, Father, that you knew her time... and you plotted every step to get her here safely. She is our little miracle baby. Four weeks early... five pounds, 2 ounces... and twelve minutes... I am in awe of our God all over again.

Ugh... being human...I want to do this right

The workings inside the heart are interesting for sure. I would love to say that throughout this journey my heart has not been divided. However, I would not be human if somewhere deep inside the urge to pack Mia up, holding her tightly in my arms screaming “mine, mine, mine…” and move to Mexico tomorrow wasn’t inside of me. That is the beauty of God. He knows this about me. He knows in my weakness, when my thoughts start to wander to an “easier” path that I want to run away with her. Run away period. Life is not easy or tidy. I am so weak in my flesh. And it is costly. Not costly as far as the world sees, but costly in my spirit – to my heart. I am missing out on intimacy with God that nothing else will replace. There is no excitement, or love, or joy that compares to those found in the Lord. If you have not known this personally, you shouldn’t just take my word for it. You should taste and see that the Lord is good. Start with 30 minutes a day in the Word. Then increase it to 45. Once you begin you won’t be the same, and you won’t want to miss it. He will speak things into your life… into your heart that will be like sweet music to the soul! You won’t ever know what it is to be loved until you grasp a little bit of how He loves you. You won’t ever know what it is to ache until you have shared His ache for the lost and the wounded. He has set all things up to reveal His glory, but His glory lies in binding up the brokenhearted and setting the captives free. He is a God of freedom. He is a God who loves perfectly. How could I doubt what He has planned for our family, for Mia, for Candice? It is impossible when I look at how He has operated in my life to this point. I feel young, and still I feel like He has revealed Himself, and His faithfulness to me so many times and in so many ways in my life! I am so blessed to have watched Him heal my sister from leukemia, perfectly heal my mother (through death on the earth), bring me a husband and five amazing children! Our businesses, our lives, our everything are as a result of His grace and mercy in our lives. We were bound for divorce, out of money, out of luck, out of hope until the Lord reached in and made Himself so real to us. I’ll never forget. He didn’t tell us “Hey, I’ll get you out of this mess.” He said, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” It is in the seeking that we are blessed. Not seeking Him for the sake of blessing, but seeking Him and His kingdom. He is worth seeking. He is worth everything. Oh, if I could only be like the man in the field who went and sold everything he had to go buy the field with the priceless pearl. Would I really sell it all? Would I? If God took away everything from me, would I live like Anna in the temple praising Him night and day, or would I look to fill my life up with other things. I am not sure that I know my heart well enough to answer that correctly. I know what I want to say. I know what I want to be true… but I am not sure that I would do it right! The time is coming where we need to be fighting hard against our flesh… and the pull seems to be getting stronger. God is faithful and God is worthy! Help us Lord to be faithful to you!

Finding Comfort...

How do you find comfort if you don't know the Comforter? The Lord is an amazing God... a BIG God. He is the only God. He is completely Sovereign and altogether Good. His plan is love, and His plan never fails. His ways are higher than my ways, and so also His thoughts. He holds in His hands all of the world, and nothing is too little for Him to notice, or too big for Him to take care of. Isn't that comforting? But imagine if all of that just sounded a little too good to be true. What if that just seemed like something nice to tell yourself so that you could sleep at night. But, what if you didn't really believe it? Then what?
God has been reminding me lately in scripture that there are things that have happened throughout history that have risen to Him as a fragrant offering. It wasn't the grandest, most amazing things... it was in the daily things.. and it rose all the way to the Heavens! I was just reading this morning about Cornelius in Acts chapter 10. His deeds came before the Lord as a memorial offering.
I want every detail of this adoption to come before Him as an offering of some kind. I want the fragrance to be sweet to the Lord. I am all but begging those of you who love us to pray with urgency for Candice. There is a battle over her soul. I know that He hears our prayers, and He will respond. I believe He will draw her near to Himself. I would love for you to pray for her protection over this weekend. She has a hard life. She needs the Comforter to visit her in a very real way. I believe that the papers aren't signed because He will get more glory in the wait. Psalm 111 tells us that EVERYTHING He does reveals His glory. He is powerful! There is no heart so hard that the double-edged sword cannot pierce it. There is no one who can hide from the Creator of the Universe. Even darkness is as light to Him. He is inviting us to pray - to take part in causing His will to be done in the life of Candice, her mother, and so many others. It is an opportunity to pray His Kingdom come to a whole community of folks that need Him. If you are praying that she will sign the papers, I will not ask you to stop... but I am begging that the focus of your prayers would be her soul. I am asking that you pray for her peace and her to find Truth - in His good time she will sign the papers. I believe that with all of my heart. But, in the meantime the enemy is robbing her of peace, and life... and he is trying to destroy her.
We sit, having a comfy-cozy life. I am snuggled up right now with a precious, tiny, pink, peaceful little girl asleep on my chest. Candice sits, hurting and aching... not knowing that there really is a God who sees her. I know that the Lord has a plan for her life. He has a great plan. Her life will not be easy, but it can be full of peace and joy and love. Please pray for her. I don't know how else to say it... she needs us to fight for her in prayer. Do not be discouraged, and do not be afraid. God's timing will be amazing.. and I am asking that we will all stand in awe of Him. Then we will sing together Psalm 9... "I will praise you Oh Lord, with all of my heart. I will tell of the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name!" Please take a minute, even now and pray. Praise Him for the things He has done, and the things He will do. He is worthy of all of our adoration and praise!