The simple truth

I cannot believe that we have been a month without our Jacob.  Wow.  Part of me says, "wasn't it just yesterday that he was wrapping his arms around me?" and part of me feels as though it was years ago that I heard his voice calling me "mommy."

He did that - even at 15 years old - even in front of his friends - really everywhere.  I love that he still called me mommy.  He would tell his friends on xbox that he had to go because 'his mommy was asking for his help'.  The ways he showed love to me spoke so deeply to my heart. 

Well, I wanted to share something with you.  It is dear to my heart indeed.

Jacob was full of joy.  Jacob was full of encouragement and hope.  Many of you already know this.  Many of you saw this every day at school - or at church.  He was kind and gentle.  He had a servant's heart and was just overall a wonderful young man.  There is a reason.  You see, Jake knew that he messed up every day.  He knew that I messed up every day.  He knew that the earth is full of broken people.  He knew that we were no exception.  But, he knew something deeper... something far more important.

He knew that God loved him, God loved us anyway. 

Right in the middle of his brokenness.  Right in the middle of our family's brokenness, he knew that God saw us and He loved us.  He had provided a way for us to be healed.  God didn't wait on us to fix ourselves, or clean ourselves up.  God knew before we ever took a breath that we would not be able to live in a way that was pleasing on our own.  And God had a plan to help us - to give us an opportunity to be with Him forever anyway.  You see, when God created us - the human race - He created us to live among us - with us.  He wanted to walk with us - in all of His perfection and Holiness, He desired fellowship with us.  It is staggering really to think about.

When sin entered the world, He had to remove Himself from us.  He is altogether Holy.  He cannot be in the presence of our sin.  And it grieved His Spirit.  So, He made a way - through Jesus Christ.  He said that a Son would be born to us - a Savior that would come to earth to redeem us (Luke 1:31-38; 2:8-20).  His precious Son came as a baby - lived a perfect life - and died because I am sinful, because Jake was sinful, because you are sinful.  He took on my sin - He took on the sin of the whole world.  He took our shame upon Himself so that I could spend eternity in a real place called Heaven if I only confess that I am sinful and need His salvation.  John 3:16-17 says this, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."     

Right now many people are asking why my Jacob died.  They want autopsy results to reveal the "problem".  They want reasons.  Inconclusive is not good enough.  I understand that.  But, for me, it is more precious that it is a mystery to us.  I believe with all of my heart that God took him - much like Enoch.  God walked beside him and delighted in him.  And, on February 5th, 2013 at 2:00pm, it was time for him to go home - to walk with God.
Jake's work here was completed.
He had accomplished all that God had intended for him.

He had lived life well.  That is why it hurts so badly for us.  He was an amazing man of God.  His friends told me that at camp they called him Mac.  At first, I didn't like the sound of that - and then they helped me understand that it stood for Man After Christ.  Wow.  What an endorsement!  Nothing greater can be said about anyone.

He was at school, he was playing dodgeball, and then he collapsed.  I believe that his spirit was gone before his body hit the ground.  I believe that he was in the presence of Jesus before he fell.  The coaches did everything correctly.  They tried with all of their might to bring my boy back.  They did everything they could.  But, he was already in the presence of Jesus giving glory to the One that deserves it all- why would he want to leave that to come back here?

I cannot grieve the same way that others grieve.  Don't misunderstand me...  I grieve.  I mourn from the depths of my soul.  I MISS MY BOY!!!  He was an honor and a blessing to me every single day.  Hear me... every. single. day.  But, he is with my Jesus.  He no longer has any burden to carry.  I am mourning the times I thought I had ahead of us with him.  Graduation.  Marriage.  Grandkids.

In a moment the other afternoon, I was at home all by myself.  The house was so quiet.  I was playing worship music and a song came on that says, "I am leaning on you Jesus, with all my longing laid before you now.  And all I'm needing is you Jesus, and all my wanting is satisfied somehow.  There is no higher worth in all the earth but to love you, how I love you.  No greater call, no life at all but to love you... How I love you."  Later on it says, "How I love you... love you, Jesus, Jesus.  How I love you, love you... Jesus - oh how I love you, I love you."
It was at that moment in the song that I fell to the ground.
Knees hitting hard.
Tears falling hard.
Crying out - singing from the depths of my soul that I did love Him - though, I could not honestly sing that all of my wanting was satisfied.  In that moment, in that very real moment with my God... I told Him that I want my boy - and though I want to be fully satisfied, I was not...  and I was struggling to love Him.  In that moment He looked on me with compassion.  He knelt down beside me and He lifted my face.  He loved that I was honest before Him.  He loved that I - in my humanness, in my brokenness... was still desperately trying to love Him with all that I have.  It was enough for my King.  It was enough. 

My heart does grieve.  I assure you.  But, my heart does not grieve without hope.
I am praying - begging the Lord that if any one of you reading this doesn't understand this hope - this peace that I have ~ to the deep places in my heart and my soul ~ that you reach out to me or to someone you know that has placed all of their hope in Jesus.  Ask me anything you want... I want to share the hope that Jacob had.  The hope that I have.  Our goodbye is only temporary.  I will get to be reunited with my Jake one day.  I will get to stand in the Holy presence of my Jesus - right beside my precious boy and my beautiful momma.  And we will no longer hurt or cry or have pain.  We will be healed.  Completely restored to the glory that God intended for us in the very beginning of time.   

God saw me in my sin.  He loved me anyway.  He did not withhold His Son from me.  My salvation cost the God of the Universe - the Creator of all things - His one and only Son.  How dare I try and withhold my Son from Him?  You see, God is allowing me to share in suffering unlike anything I have ever known.  He is allowing me to understand how costly my salvation was.  It is beautiful.   Friends, the pain of losing a son...  the ache in my heart, the tears in the night, the longing for Jesus to come now... it is all very real.  But, if God chooses to use my boy's life to bring many to Himself - then I want to have a heart that blesses His name in that.  I long to be wholehearted in my devotion to my God.  He is worthy.  He is ever faithful and true and worthy!  He did not withhold anything from me.  So, today I rest in the love of my Most High God.  The Almighty One.  I rest in the peace that He brings to my spirit as I come to Him in my grief.  Oh please - find your hope in Jesus.  Find your hope in the One that will satisfy every longing of your heart if you will just surrender your heart to Him. 

Praise His Holy Name!

Today our precious Jared accepted Christ! Please join with me and the angels to sing praise to our sweet God who has adopted Jared as a son! YEAH GOD! Tonight in church, with no prompting by anyone other than the Holy Spirit, my precious son lifted his arms in worship. Oh it was precious indeed! Not only did he not just do what he saw me doing - I hadn't even raised my arms yet, and he leaned over and asked me why I hadn't! Oh thank you Jesus that once we are yours, no matter how old or young, we can hear your voice! What a sweet memory for me to always treasure in my heart. There is no greater thing than to realize that your child wants to love Jesus and praise Him. When I asked him why he wanted to ask Jesus in his heart, his first response was, "because I want to praise Him!" Oh wow!

Yes, Jesus, that we would want you in our lives, not just for direction, or clarity, or for what we get out of it, but just simply because we want to praise you! Let us praise you with childlike faith! Help us to love you with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. Teach us what that even means in our lives. There is so much to be thankful for. Help us to know you in ways that we can't even imagine right now. Help us to praise you in all things. Help us to know how to recognize all that we have to be thankful for!

So, my heart is rejoicing and I cannot stop thinking of things to be thankful for. What a sweet God we serve. He knows what we need before we even ask Him. That is so amazing, and so true. He even knows our wants and sometimes provides for those as well. What a good and giving God we serve! I really think I am the most blessed woman in the whole world! Truly, what more could I want. Truly I live in a place of abundance! Thank you my sweet God.

DAZED AND CONFUSED?

So much of our confusion, our “depression” and our condemnation (which makes us feel worthless) comes from forgetting the basic things of the Word of God. The good news is that we are not alone in this forgetfulness. Obviously the Galatians and the Ephesians forgot these same things.

Look at Galatians with me:

Paul has just finished reminding the Galatians that he is not after their approval, but God’s alone. He is rebuking them for turning away from the good news so quickly regarding Christ. Look at these few verses in Galatians 1:6-7, “I am shocked that you are turning away so soon from God, who called you to himself through the loving mercy of Christ. You are following a different way that pretends to be the Good News 7 but is not the Good News at all. You are being fooled by those who deliberately twist the truth concerning Christ.”
Then he begins his discourse in Galatians 2 that hits the specifics of the things they have forgotten and the new things that they are embracing. The cool thing is that he first brags on the leadership who didn’t demand that Titus follow the “law” – and then he fronts out the “so-called” Christians that brought in the new teaching. Trying to take away the freedom that Christ brought – or should I say bought. Read this with me:
Galatians 2:4-5, “Even that question came up only because of some so-called Christians there—false ones, really —who were secretly brought in. They sneaked in to spy on us and take away the freedom we have in Christ Jesus. They wanted to enslave us and force us to follow their Jewish regulations. 5 But we refused to give in to them for a single moment. We wanted to preserve the truth of the gospel message for you.”
He then goes on to say how he and Peter and Barnabas had a strong disagreement because of the way that they had been led astray by other teachers who emphasized the law over God’s grace. I will just type out the next few verses where Paul gets very specific about what made him so angry with all of this teaching.
Galatians 2:16-21, “Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law.” 17 But suppose we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then we are found guilty because we have abandoned the law. Would that mean Christ has led us into sin? Absolutely not! 18 Rather, I am a sinner if I rebuild the old system of law I already tore down. 19 For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. 20 My old self has been crucified with Christ. ] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.”
Did you see that? If keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was NO NEED for Christ to DIE!!! Woah. Think on that. Really stop and ponder what Paul is saying there.

Now, look at Galatians 3:1-5, “Oh, foolish Galatians! Who has cast an evil spell on you? For the meaning of Jesus Christ’s death was made as clear to you as if you had seen a picture of his death on the cross. 2 Let me ask you this one question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by obeying the law of Moses? Of course not! You received the Spirit because you believed the message you heard about Christ. 3 How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? 4 Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain, was it? 5 I ask you again, does God give you the Holy Spirit and work miracles among you because you obey the law? Of course not! It is because you believe the message you heard about Christ.”
Okay, so hop over with me to Ephesians if you want to see that this was not an uncommon struggle. I will not quote all of Ephesians to you, though the Word of God is really the only thing that will impart life to you… But, let me just quote this one thing.
Ephesians 2:8-10, “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. 10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”.
You can’t take credit for this… Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done. We are HIS MASTERPIECE! Do you think that He messed up in calling you? If you can’t mess up His calling, and His work, then why do you think any of the rest of it depends on you? It would be as if we hung the Mona Lisa in our living room and then we tried to take some credit for how beautiful the work is (or how flawed, whatever your opinion of Ms. Mona). That is ridiculous. It was never our work. We simply display it for others to see. We are way too self-focused and the enemy knows this and uses it against us. This is how he gets to us. We take our eyes off of the author and perfector of our faith and we put them on ourselves, and our works. This is always a route to failure and depression. Because we are the Israelites. We are hopelessly lost without help from our Jesus. That is why He came! So, we need to remember that God did not call us to walk this thing out on our own, in our own power or strength, but in Him – and in Christ alone.
Finally, I am pondering 1 Corinthians 12 and our gifts. It says here that he created us so we can do the good things HE PLANNED for us long ago. And, that leads directly into the giftings that He has given us as His children. We are each to operate as the part of the body that He made us to be. We are not to get caught up in other people’s callings, because He has clearly made each one of us with a different calling, but the same Spirit. So, though, I will not explore that throroughly, it is something that I cannot help but mention. Because if we are called to be the hands and we are trying to be the feet, we are walking upside down! That doesn’t bring glory to our God, but attention to ourselves – not to mention that we will not be doing any of that in His power, but all of our own, so we will only look rather silly, not to mention feel completely incompetent to do what He is calling us to do.

Alright, I know that was random, but it does give a good image. :)