That thing that has taken hold of your heart and it won't let you go, no matter how you writhe to get out from under it's suffocating grasp?
What is the voice in your mind that tells you that you'll never be enough - or you are just TOO MUCH?
Where are you just aching today? Is there something inside that just screams out "THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!!"
I am. This morning, I have such a heavy heart. Pain is everywhere. It is unavoidable. People spend much time, energy, and money to keep themselves from pain. And yet, pain will find them, it will search them out - and it will crush every defense they thought they had. Now, stay with me, I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer". I am getting around to hope. Just hang with me for a minute.
We all build walls. We all wear masks. We all say what other people want us to say. How many times in just one day do you lie to people when they ask you "Hey! How are you?" Almost always, "Oh, I'm fine... and you?" We are just trying to be nice. They are just trying to be nice. There is nothing essentially wrong with that. But, I'm not talking just about the casual stranger. I am talking about your friends. Those that should be beside you to shoulder your burdens with you. How many times do you really let them in on your fears? How often do you open yourself up - getting really vulnerable?
I tend to spew my fears, my thoughts, my dreams... kind-of everything out to whoever wants to sit long enough to hear them. So, here it is this morning... some of the deep stuff of my heart.
I long to worship. Really worship. When I saw "The Rend Collective Experiment" video for Build your Kingdom here - I wanted to drop everything, pick up my kids and find out where they are going next. I want to go with them. Now, I know that it isn't all campfires and cool instruments. There is sweat, tears, travel... pain... but the joy - the joy to worship with a group of like-minded people. To travel and tell of the wonders of God's love and faithfulness... it stirs something in me that I can't run from! I want to sing always and forever of God's love and beauty. (Sounds so cheesy right, and yet something in you must be stirred up like this is stirred up in me).
I long to write and to read, and to sit with the Lord day after day and then share (maybe just one person at a time, or ten, or ten thousand... I don't care the number) what the Lord is doing... what He is teaching. How He is reaching my heart that constantly retreats from pain.
You see, everyone is broken.
I am.
People are praising me right now for the way I am handling the death of my son. They put me on a pedestal in their minds. They think they could never handle what I am going through in the way that I am handling it. But, while, my heart has been sincere... every Scripture posted to FB, every blog entry has been straight from the deep places in my heart... people don't see the broken parts - the sinfulness in me. These things are not as visible... and one thing I know about pedestals is that people come tumbling down - and the higher up they are put, the further they fall - and the more it hurts when they hit. So, I am asking you to take me off that pedestal. Apart from God's grace - I am wretched, pitiful, blind, poor and naked. Really. It is God's grace that keeps me upright. It is God's grace that keeps bringing me back to center.
In my flesh: I am an adulteress. I am selfish. I am prideful. I am full of lust and greed. I am broken. I am bitter and I am mean to people who hurt me.
But, because of Christ, and only by God's grace, I am clothed in righteousness. I am full of peace and hope. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. I have access every day, all day long to all the beauty of Christ. When I operate in it, people want to put me up high - in this lofty place. But, I want to tell you that apart from God's grace - I cannot operate in it! It is not me - it is Christ in me that is my hope of glory. Over and over again I am realizing the deep truth of that. I am human. I am frail. I am hurting. I am desperate. I am weak. But, because of the Great I Am, I don't have to operate from those places. I can lean on Christ's strength. I can ask for His joy. I can ask for His power to help me in every place that I am failing. But, in my own strength, and in my own power, I am nothing. I am just as wicked as any individual that has ever walked the face of this earth.
Today, I just want to be free from the labels that are put on me. I want to be me. Broken, but beautiful. Unlovable, but fully loved. Poor, but so very rich.
Today, will you practice with me taking a few of the walls down? Let someone you trust inside - to the deep places. You will be hurt. But, there is so much freedom in tearing down the walls... in becoming who you were meant to be regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. There is so much freedom in realizing that you will hurt, but you will heal! Everyone will hurt whether they want to or not. So, instead of fighting it, and pretending (even to yourself) that you are invincible, take your guard down and face the hurt. Once you have turned and looked it full in the face, you can begin to heal. You can take a step towards becoming who you were meant to be. God made you amazing. God has a plan for your life. It is a good plan. Filled with love, loss, pain, joy, tears and laughter. He doesn't promise an easy road. But, He promises never to leave us all alone. He says He will never ask me to walk through something that He won't be right beside me through. Don't run from your pain anymore. Today, make a decision to really look it in the face. Really find the root of the hurt, the bitterness, the pain... and pull that thing out! Then, turn to the Healer. The God of the Universe that wants to bind up your wounds. He wants to hold you while you cry. He wants to carry the pain with you and for you. Trust me on this one. He longs to be everything you need if you just call on Him. He is near. He is pursuing you. He wants to heal you - make you whole. But, you have to face that brokenness. You have to search out the pain - until you find the source, and then it must be dealt with. I would beg you not to try to search it out on your own. Invite God to search it out with you. He knows you, inside and out. He sees you, and He hears your cries.
May grace and peace go before you today. Don't miss out on one more day of the YOU that God created you to be. Today, I exhort you to become. Become everything that you were meant to become. You are not your mom. You are not your dad. You are not your older siblings, or your younger ones. You are uniquely YOU! That means, one choice at a time, you choose to be you - broken and beautiful. Sinful and selfish. But, longing for the righteousness and the holiness that God created you to walk in. Because, the answer when our souls cry out that there has to be more - is that there is more than this. For every believer in Jesus Christ, there is much more than this. Our hearts know that this broken world can't be all there is. We were created for so much more. If you haven't trusted your heart to Christ, because you:
* are skeptical
* have met too many mean and angry Christians
* can't make it make sense
* think to trust Christ means to start being judgemental
* are scared
* are scarred from your past
* can't believe in a God that allows so much pain in the world while being all powerful
Let me say this one thing. I'm sorry. I am sorry for the pain that has been brought to you through Christians, through the church, through the depravity of the world. Becoming Christians doesn't make us perfect. And, I am sorry for the people who have in their Spiritual pride made you believe that we have something that makes us better. We don't. Becoming a believer is about finally realizing that we are the most broken ones. We are the ones that knew (at one time or another) that we needed saving.
People who are well don't need a doctor. People who have it all together don't need Christ.
But, if we are honest, there isn't anyone really standing in the "have it all together" place. No matter what it looks like on the outside. Inside, they are falling apart. Christians aren't better. We just have hope that God hasn't and won't ever give up on us. Not because we have done something great. But, because He did something great. I'm sorry for the people that have made that seem like we are more - I'm sorry for being one of those people too. Sometimes, because we are human, we act stupid. I'm just sorry for the picture it paints, and I am sorry for the way(s) it has wounded you. Please forgive me and my fellow believers for being judgmental. For being prideful. For being selfish. For still being human. Don't disregard my God, my Jesus, on account of my being human. Search Him out for yourself. In the quiet of this moment. Ask Him to be exactly what you need. While we will hurt you and let you down - He will always be faithful. Gandhi said it right, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike Christ." Forgive us for not being like Christ.
If you are a Christian that thinks you are better, that thinks you do have it all together. I exhort you to look deep into the heart of Jesus. Ask yourself why He did what He did. Ask yourself how you ended up in the place of the Pharisee. And, then lay it down. Remember the "you" that knew you needed a Savior. Then, go out and offer the Truth to anyone who knows they are broken and need saving too.
Become.
