Time keeps on tickin', tickin' away!

What?  

We are 1/4 done with 2011?  

Are you serious?   

Does anyone else feel like that?  

I am going to be intentional about slowing my life down!  

I will let you know when I find the exact recipe... but I think it has something to do with saying "no" more frequently and turning off all electrical devices every now and then.  I know - that seems CRAZY!  But, I mean it.  Something has to give!  So here is something I wrote in January.  It was a bucket list of sorts.  Not that I think I am necessarily not going to make it to 2012, but it is a combination of short term goals (like a new years resolution) and a bucket list (things I want to do (continually) before I die).  Already I am astonished at how little progress I have made - probably because I didn't keep this list handy before, but I am going to be more aware of the things that I want to do - really want to do this year (and continually)... 

Most people I talk to had a pretty rough 2010.  Not entirely.  There were weddings, births, birthdays, and Anniversary’s.  There were graduations and happy events.  But, there were funerals - people so young, deaths so tragic...  There were layoffs,  divorces and bankruptcies and simply difficult times making ends meet.  

January 1^st seems to be a time of renewal - at least somewhat.  A new year doesn’t bring back those that we love who have passed on.  It doesn’t ease the pain of divorce, or other tragedies...  But, doesn’t it give us a new starting point?  I think it makes it easier to remember that yesterday is not all that there is.  Though, none of us know if we will have tomorrow or not, the thought of the future seems to be in the forefront of our minds.  Today we will make choices that next year at this time we will either be really happy about, or we will regret.   

In 2009,  I had the privilege of walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day.  That is an entirely different story, but that is where I saw this shirt, that has continued to leave an impression in my mind.  

Black shirt, white writing...

“Life is Choices.”  

Simply stated and yet terribly difficult to really grasp the vastness of those three words.  Every choice we make is going to determine, at least in part, the course of our lives from that point on.  I believe that (thankfully) we are not fully able to determine the course of our lives.  I believe that God is in control of the whole Universe - and He can take things I do that are destined for ruin and turn them into things that actually have worth.  I am not asking for a theological debate, but I think everyone would agree that some things in life just don’t make sense - and no one is fully in control of what happens in their lives.  We cannot stop someone we love from dying.  We cannot force our employer to keep us employed.  We cannot control many things in our day to day.  But, there are things that we can control- and that is what I really want to focus on.  

I determine how often I yell at my kids.

I determine how often I do something nice for someone, expecting NOTHING in return.

I determine how many times I hit the reset on the alarm - making it ever more difficult to get out of bed.

I determine how often I use my words to make someone feel better - and give them hope.

I determine how often I choose to see the worst in someone.  

I determine how often I choose to see the best in someone.  

I determine how many times a day I respond with kindness instead of irritation or anger.

These choices, these little choices determine many things about how my year will go.  It reminds me of “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  What a great picture of how the choices we make always affect other people.  Our choices almost NEVER just affect us.  Think of a few things...  And then try to think of something you do every day that doesn’t affect anyone else.   I mean it, take a minute to think it over.

Hard isn’t it? 

Even something as simple as tipping the pizza delivery guy, or not.  That choice affects other people.  Sometimes we are privileged enough to see how our choices affect others in a positive way, and sometimes we are privileged enough to see how our choices affect others in a negative way.  Hopefully we will learn from those times and press forward.

That is my number one resolution this year.  These are the things for my year’s “bucket list”.  I want to have a new Bucket List often - checking off many things just because I can - and it will help me to push for the things that are more difficult to attain.  

My 2011 Bucket List:

• I want to learn something every day.  I want to learn from my mistakes (and hopefully learn from others as well).  I want to learn how to affect my world in a gentler way, with kindness of speech and action.  
• I want to read a book a month (at least)
• I want to read a biography of someone with great faith (C.S. Lewis, or Hudson Taylor...)
• I want to determine not to think the worst of people - but to cut more slack and be kind no matter what.  
• I want to tell my husband something nice that I think of him every single day.
• I want my kids to see a mom who is in control of her temper - even when the buttons are all pushed at the same time.  
• I want to go to Colorado and sit under the stars out by the fire and sing a song.
• I want to write a letter to my dad and my grandmothers and tell them how much I love them.
• I want my husband to see a wife that is there for him - really there for him to hear him when he wants to talk - and when he doesn’t.  
• I want my family to see my love for them - unconditional and strong - regardless of the foolish decisions they might make.  
• I want to buy something really great - and then give it away to someone who needs it more.
• I want to read my Bible every single day - not because I am expected to, but because I love the Lord and want to know more about Him.
• I want to go to Kansas City to the International House of Prayer.
• I want to go to an old Bed and Breakfast and sit on the porch early in the morning and read...
• I want to bless someone through worship (singing) of my Savior.
• I want to drive way too far - to stay way too short - to hug a friend and tell her she’s great.
• I want to repair an old relationship and resolve to love better this time around.
• And most importantly, I want to bless the Lord with all that is in me...  

I want to lose weight and eat better and exercise too - but I have found that those aren’t the most important things...

Whatever your list, your resolutions, your hopes for this year - I pray a blessing for you and your family.  Thanks for reading mine.

Life...

Life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls doesn’t it? We get up - eat - shower - work - sleep and start all over again (maybe not in that order exactly, but some combination of those things I would think).

Why are we here? What is the point? What happens when we die? What happens when something takes ahold of our world (our personal world) and shakes it - takes it by force and seems to crumble everything we know into little pieces?

I have Jesus. I don’t just know about Jesus. I know Jesus - as my personal Hero - the Savior of my soul and of my every day. I don’t fully know Jesus. But, I am fully known by Jesus. I have Him. And He is sufficient. He is more than able... He is abundant life. He is the One who helps me when those questions need answering. My brother’s wife said it this way, “it is amazing how quickly things can change. I'm so grateful to know the One who doesn't...” So true. Things catch me off guard way more than I would like to admit. But, in the midst of life’s biggest challenges - I have refuge under the wings of the One who knew before I was born that whatever thing I’m dealing with, would come into my life. Wow. That concept is just life-altering. Why would I doubt the One who breathed my first breath of life into me - and who continues to know the number of my days?

I love this. The first account - Genesis 2:7, “Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.” NLT

And then this, Job 12:10, “In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”

How about, Isaiah 42:5, “This is what God the LORD says— the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out, who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it:”

And finally, Acts 17:24 - 26 “The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation”

This life is not some cosmic joke. This life is not really about this life at all. This life is about pointing people to the One who began it all - and the One who will finish what He began. It is about the ‘ministry of reconciliation’ for those of us who have taken literally the offer to become Christ’s Ambassadors. It is not about “tolerance” and “all roads lead to Glory” at all - instead it is about the One who gives us free choice to accept Truth and what He has done - and in return offers eternal life - a gift we could never earn - but a gift that is free for everyone. This is not about tolerance. This is not about peace - though there will come a time where peace will reign and the lion will lay down with the lamb. This is not about popularity or trying hard enough. It’s about realizing that our efforts couldn’t ever have been enough - and leaning on and trusting in the One who’s efforts have always been sufficient.

We have an opportunity every day to play our role in the best drama ever written.

The real battle between Good - pure, 100% no-blemish - good...

And evil - 100% - out to take your life - evil (disguised as 98% good).

My sleep has been so restless lately. Mostly because I wake up and I can’t stop praying for the things that are happening all around my life. And that is when it hits me - He is coming back for us - and we are not ready yet. He longs to come back for us - and we are not a proper Bride.

Final thought... Look into this scripture and ask the Lord to give you great understanding... I am praying that He will give great wisdom and understanding to us from these verses in 2 Peter 3:11-13... “Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.”

Praise God who will make all things new - and Praise God that one day righteousness and justice will have victory over sin and despair. This is the God I serve. This is my source of hope.

Shadows

Tonight I sit - listening to worship music - in my soft bed. I am troubled in my heart for my precious Candice. Too many people can’t understand where she is coming from... Or why she continues to stay where she is. It hit me yesterday how similar I am to Candice. It hit me how similar we all are to her. No matter what we pretend. We all desire to be loved. We all desire to be told that we are beautiful. We all desire to receive the attentions of someone - all of us. I say in one breath that I can’t understand how she could allow herself to be physically abused over and over again by the same guy. Why she would continue to go back to him - even after he hurts her? Why would she continue to stand up for him - why? And then I realize how many times I go back to the same thing that draws me nearer to death every day. Death in my soul, I mean. The lies that keep me in bondage. The lies that keep me from fully believing God. Not just believing Him for the things that He has promised in the future... But the things He has promised me today.

I am not all about name it and claim it. Our God paid a high price for our salvation. He sent His one and only precious Son to the cross in order to make things right. I serve a Holy God that is far too Sovereign to let me name what I think is good for my life and leave me to my own devices. He alone knows what is good. He alone is good. But, that is exactly what the enemy is trying every day to steal from me.

A friend of mine asked me once if I really believed that God is good. I said, “Of course.” But then she made it a little simpler for me to check out in my heart. She said, “Yes, I know you know that God is good, but do you believe that He wants only good for you - ONLY good for YOUR life?” Hmmm... I knew He is good. I know He wants only good for His children, but did I fully embrace my inheritance as His true child? I’m still not sure I do. I’m sure, in fact, that I will not fully embrace that here on the earth. But, it is the truth. No matter what hardships come my way - His desire is only for good in my life. His thoughts - all of them towards me are HOLY. Holiness is pure goodness. That is my own definition. But, I just think of it as something that is set apart in it’s unique purity. I am His child - His true heir, not because of anything that I have done. But, because of Jesus. His life, death and resurrection have assured me of my birthright... my inheritance to know God as my Abba.

It just hit me as I let the truth of what I BELIEVE hit my heart that I let the enemy accuse God to me all the time. It is not in the way that I say God is holding out on me - though, often when situations arise that are less than favorable, that thought always comes in. However, for me, that isn’t nearly as common as it is for me to have this thought that something I can do will make me have higher favor with God. Thus, the things I do can also cause me to have a lower approval rating. WHAT??? But, isn’t that something we all struggle with?

Jake and I just went to see Inception yesterday. It made me think. It still has me thinking.... It was interesting how one of the female characters thought of the dream world as her reality - and she was willing to die to stay in that reality forever. She built and built for years - homes and streets from memories. She invested so much time in the temporary - and all to make just a shadow of her real life, the real life that she was letting slip away by staying in the dream. It made me think about the fact that there is a world that is much deeper - much more real than this one that we inhabit. And, yet, we live as if this world is our permanent home. We are living in the dream, in the shadow - and we are often unwilling to wake up and realize that reality is really evading our grasp - because we are living for this temporary place and trying to make it home. But, it is only a shadow - we are only a shadow of the true life that awaits us. 1 Chronicles 29:15 says, “We are aliens and strangers in your sight, as were all our forefathers. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope.” and Job 8: 8-10 says,"Ask the former generations and find out what their fathers learned, for we were born only yesterday and know nothing, and our days on earth are but a shadow.” and Psalm 102:11-12 says, “My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations.”

I did a quick reference for the word “shadow” on Biblegateway.com and I was amazed at the things that were referenced over and over. Sit and read a few of them with me.

Ecclesiastes 6:12 says this, “For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?”

Colossions 2:16-17 “Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. 17 These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.”

Hebrews 10:1 The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship.

Then, there were so many references to God’s shadow - where we can hide and take refuge. Sweet. That is my favorite shadow!

Psalm 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.”

As I was reading these, many things were coming to mind. First of all - this life is a breath - a shadow. Quick. Coming to an end quickly. Hmmm... again I was hit with how permanent it all seems... How forever really just often describes our thoughts towards this earthly life. Then, the law being only a shadow... It is not the reality. THE REALITY IS FOUND IN CHRIST! Whew. Amen. Doesn’t this one statement shed truth on the “more favor with God” issue? And finally, the shadow that God offers us as a place of refuge. His shadow is eternal. We will be able to rest in Him forever... but His invitation starts NOW. Not in eternity. His invitation to rest in His shadow has already been extended - I have only to accept the invitation. Wow. I will be thinking on this a bit.

All of that said, please pray for my Candice. Pray fervently for her. She is losing grasp on reality - and very quickly. If God Himself doesn’t intervene quickly- she will be back in jail for the next 10 years of her life. No parol. No way out. It may be the best plan for her. This is where I rest in His Sovereignty - while at the same time begging for His mercy for her. She feels trapped. Much like me. She knows and believes there is a better way - a better life. But, she cannot accept that she is worthy of receiving it. Again, if I were to be fully honest, I would have no choice but to say the same thing...

Whew!

Things have been moving at the speed of light around here! I feel like there is too much to tell... God is so good. That is a good place to begin. We have a house being built (just across the road) and a house for the interim (Praise the Lord for His provision - always!) We have great renters for our home of 8 years. We will officially (we think) make the move to the interim house in about 2 weeks and move to our new house in the middle of June! So, if you call and I don’t call back, or if you email and it takes a while to respond, know that it is not that I have forgotten you... I just am having a hard time staying connected to the people I live with, much less the people in “cyberspace”.

I am back at work full time. My heart aches and rejoices at the same time to say that. I have needed to step back in for a short time to prepare to sell the business. God did amazing things for us by giving us the business, and we feel like we should leave it in as good of condition as we found it. So, I rejoice to be obedient. But, I must be honest, my heart aches missing my babies each day. I cried when I thought they had come to visit me at the center and then realized it was another car that just looked like the car they would be in. Then I cried fifteen minutes later when they did pull up! They are so much of my heart. I know they are in wonderful hands. Our Miss Cole has been a breath of fresh air. It has changed the dynamic of our household tremendously to have her here - in a great way! I finally (almost) have enough hands to get everything done that needs to be done. I feel like the Lord’s timing was nothing short of a miracle for me. But, my heart - though desperate to be constantly filled with joy - has found this act of obedience to be one of the hardest ones ever. I see what it does to my boy to not have me around all day. I see what it does to my girl to only see her a few hours a day and it is almost more than my heart can take. And Christian, that is an entirely different story. I was barely getting to know him when I had to be pulled away from him for many hours each day. He needs to see me and know me as mom until Candice can be that for him. That is hard to do when I have such a small amount of time to divide between my husband and all 6 children. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

But, through all of these things... I can clearly see God’s hand. I see how He heard me when I asked Him - a little sad - on the way to work to find us a place to live because I didn’t have time. Twenty minutes later He had the whole thing worked out. I see how He heard me when I asked for help at the daycare to get things back in order - right under my nose were the answers I was waiting for. I see how He hears me when I ask Him to help my kiddos hang in there until I am able to “just” be mommy again.

My friends have experienced great losses recently. A dear friend of mine lost her brother. He was a daddy, an uncle, a brother, a son, a husband, and so much more... How do you hear of that and not long for eternity to come? I want to be desperate to help my friends see what they are missing if they are missing Jesus - and yet, the dailies get me every time. I get focused more on what has to be done today than I do focus on what things I do today that will make a mark for eternity. I saw a girls shirt that had a small girl with hands folded and it simply said, “Jesus, please come back.” I wanted to cry right then. Yes and Amen. Jesus - how we need you. How our friends and family need you. Reveal yourself Jesus. Reveal the way that you love us - give us eyes to see how you want abundance for us. I am saddened by the ways that we exchange the abundance Christ offers for the extremely temporary pleasures of today. Why would we exchange gold for dung? Would we really do that? Would we really take the beautiful, precious things that God has given to us and trade them for the foul smelling, rotting things that the world has to offer? The answer is that I do it every day, and I watch my friends do it without being able to find the words to convince them not to. Oh Jesus we need you to step in and help us. Spirit come move in our hearts to help us move toward the things that you desire and away from the things that will lead us to a temporary pleasure and an eternal regret.

Above all things I can tell you that God is faithful. His love never fails. His Word is Truth. His plan for me (and my family) is good. His Sovereignty doesn’t end. He is not caught off guard. He has asked me to work in everything as if I am working for Him. That is my desire. I want the Joy of the Lord to be my strength. I sure need His strength. Mine isn’t holding out. He has provided so well. He has heard me. How satisfying to walk in the place that He has marked out for me. Now to just give up the things that pull my heart away from the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. God help me to prioritize. Help me to rest in You. Help me to know you are hearing me and always acting in my best interest. Thank you for adopting me. Thank you for choosing me. That is a staggering thought, knowing that you KNEW me. You made me, and you chose me anyway. What kind of love is this?

Ugh... being human...I want to do this right

The workings inside the heart are interesting for sure. I would love to say that throughout this journey my heart has not been divided. However, I would not be human if somewhere deep inside the urge to pack Mia up, holding her tightly in my arms screaming “mine, mine, mine…” and move to Mexico tomorrow wasn’t inside of me. That is the beauty of God. He knows this about me. He knows in my weakness, when my thoughts start to wander to an “easier” path that I want to run away with her. Run away period. Life is not easy or tidy. I am so weak in my flesh. And it is costly. Not costly as far as the world sees, but costly in my spirit – to my heart. I am missing out on intimacy with God that nothing else will replace. There is no excitement, or love, or joy that compares to those found in the Lord. If you have not known this personally, you shouldn’t just take my word for it. You should taste and see that the Lord is good. Start with 30 minutes a day in the Word. Then increase it to 45. Once you begin you won’t be the same, and you won’t want to miss it. He will speak things into your life… into your heart that will be like sweet music to the soul! You won’t ever know what it is to be loved until you grasp a little bit of how He loves you. You won’t ever know what it is to ache until you have shared His ache for the lost and the wounded. He has set all things up to reveal His glory, but His glory lies in binding up the brokenhearted and setting the captives free. He is a God of freedom. He is a God who loves perfectly. How could I doubt what He has planned for our family, for Mia, for Candice? It is impossible when I look at how He has operated in my life to this point. I feel young, and still I feel like He has revealed Himself, and His faithfulness to me so many times and in so many ways in my life! I am so blessed to have watched Him heal my sister from leukemia, perfectly heal my mother (through death on the earth), bring me a husband and five amazing children! Our businesses, our lives, our everything are as a result of His grace and mercy in our lives. We were bound for divorce, out of money, out of luck, out of hope until the Lord reached in and made Himself so real to us. I’ll never forget. He didn’t tell us “Hey, I’ll get you out of this mess.” He said, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” It is in the seeking that we are blessed. Not seeking Him for the sake of blessing, but seeking Him and His kingdom. He is worth seeking. He is worth everything. Oh, if I could only be like the man in the field who went and sold everything he had to go buy the field with the priceless pearl. Would I really sell it all? Would I? If God took away everything from me, would I live like Anna in the temple praising Him night and day, or would I look to fill my life up with other things. I am not sure that I know my heart well enough to answer that correctly. I know what I want to say. I know what I want to be true… but I am not sure that I would do it right! The time is coming where we need to be fighting hard against our flesh… and the pull seems to be getting stronger. God is faithful and God is worthy! Help us Lord to be faithful to you!

Ho hum heart...

So, lately I have a ho hum heart. I think it is hardened. I think that there have been so many areas that I have shut down - unknowingly, and unintentionally... but shut down none the less. I get angry when people speak truth about things that God has promised in my life. It is unbelief really. And unbelief is sin... I am apathetic in some ways, and then the fact that that really bothers me means that I am not totally apathetic... which would be to not care at all. I am ready to awaken my heart again. I am ready to have God take me by the shoulders and shake me a little... and yet, even typing that makes me shudder... literally. He desires to be desired. He desires that we put Him first in our hearts... in our soft and willing hearts. Praise Him for His grace and His glory. He is full of compassion and mercy - and of course - unfailing love.

Things are rockin around here. We can't keep from being busy. We have had trips out of town almost every week, or family coming in... we have boxed up boxes in case we move... we have looked at land... and so many other things I can't list them all... including two birthday parties- sheeesh! I am tired thinking about it all...

So, anyways (I say that with my best Nacho Libre accent), Jude is almost 8 months old. Jake turned 11 today... Maddy just turned 8 last month and my Jared turned 6 the month before that! My kids are great! I have loved having them this summer... I am approaching the school year with mixed emotions. I am excited for them... and in ways for me... but I will be sad to send them back. I am certainly not "tired of them". Hopefully they aren't tired of me either. Ken is busy trying to catch up on the days he is here, and I am searching for a lady to help me clean... I can't tell you the difference it makes in EVERYTHING! Ken was wonderful to think of that for me for my birthday! What a gift!

Adoption things are still pending. We have three more papers to turn in essentially. I am hoping we will have all of that taken care of before the end of the month. Life is busy, and life is wonderful, and my heart is ho hum. Oh Lord, help. How is it that I have lost the fire in my heart? I know He will restore to me the joy of my salvation. I know He will move in ways I can't even imagine. I must have belief. I really must

Did you say we have more to do???

We are having an exciting June! With birthdays out the waazoo, VBS, and Swim Lessons we have been busy! HOWEVER, we have been busy in other ways too. Our Home Study with Aggieland Adoption Agency was finished last week and now we just have to turn in our lifebook! It means that very soon, we will have a book out for birth-moms to look at. We are so excited! It is a great summer! We have no idea how long the journey will be from here... it could be 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years before we are chosen. Now we will have to wait and TRUST that our God is Faithful and in control of everything. I am specifically praying that we will be excited through the whole process - no matter how long it takes. I hope we can remember He is sovereign and that His timing is perfect. I don't want the enemy to steal anything from us in this time. I want to have my strength renewed in the wait. The Word talks about being strengthened in times of waiting. That is what I want for our family. So, if you are praying for us, please pray that we will be faithful in prayer for our birth-mom and for our baby. It is so exciting to even imagine! I can't wait to see what the Lord does as far as distance between Jude and our new baby.

Jake and Ken are gearing up for a father-son trip to Colorado this year. Just the two of them. It will be so great! I am gearing up for a summer at the pool. It is so hot already and we are loving the pool - Jude included. He does great in the water, and sleeping in his stroller. Jake is turning 11, Maddy is turning 8, and in just a few days, Jared will be 6 years old. Jude is already 6 months... time is just flying. I can't wait to see what happens in the next year. I am sure it will be an exciting year indeed! Hopefully I will post again before December- ha!

Life for us in March...

Life in the Simmons family is certainly busy these days. Too busy. I am not in the Word nearly like I want to be and I NEED it! I wanted to post a little something about our Jude. Oh, he is precious and sweet and wonderful! But, he has a small bump on the back of his head. He has had it since birth – and the doctor says it is a cyst. We are taking him on March 18th to Texas Children’s to have it looked at by a specialist. It isn’t supposed to be a major deal, but they will do surgery to remove it and they will need to put him under anesthesia to do it. So, please pray for it to go really well, and for Ken and I to be an encouragement to other people through this process. I will try to post again when I am more certain of the date of the surgery.
I am getting some pictures ready for our Lifebook and I am really excited to see how it all comes together. The kids are excited to be on Spring break! I am glad not to have to get them ready for school for a week J! Other than that, it is just laundry, dishes and trying to get dinner cooked before 7pm. We love your prayers!

What is normal anyway?

This morning as I woke up I thought it would be a normal day.

As I got out of bed I prayed for a friend of mine with physical pain in her body – pain that I know nothing about, but that the Lord is gracious to remind me of.

As I took a shower, I prayed for other friends. Friends that are fighting this fight of living life right! Friends that have real hurts and needs and struggles and strongholds. I contemplated the things in life that we think are so easy, or think about so flippantly. But, things that are heavy on the Lord’s heart. Trials that we dismiss thinking they are only for other people, or think so highly of ourselves that we are somehow immune to the pain that comes with them.

As I got ready and got breakfast ready I was weak and wanted to sit down. I wanted to rest – I wanted someone to fill my cup and prepare my food. (Psalm 23:5 “You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.)

I pushed through and went up the stairs to wake my boys. Oh little one, you are cold because you have had an accident. Let’s get a bath. My big strong man of a boy – get up love, the day awaits for you…

Then my girl, my precious sleepy girl… you have had a great night! You are dry and so beautiful in your sleepiness…

As we sat down and read Psalm 7 we talked about the refuge that our God is. Oh, our God… don’t seem so far off… We are desperate to KNOW you. Why don’t we know you…

And then as they all left for school, a heaviness settled in. Not a heaviness from the enemy that is oppressive and unyielding, but a sadness seemingly from the Lord Himself. Oh, what my Savior? Why does your heart hurt this morning? And could you really want me to share the pain with you?

Oh, I believe He does want us to know that He is a God who feels. He is a God that is Almighty and All-Powerful, and yet has a heart that is grieved by His adulteress people. (Genesis 6:6 NLT, “So the Lord was sorry he had ever made then and put them on the earth. It broke his heart.”) But, He seeks one who will feel with Him and be righteous, and wholly devoted to Him. (2 Chron. 16:9, “The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are wholly committed to Him.” (Genesis 6:8 “But Noah found favor with the Lord.”)

As I read and listen to people sing of God’s love and mercy and beauty, a song plays in my ears.

“Oh capture me again, revive what seems so dim. Restore first love’s fire - my heart’s desire. I see the Beauty of Your Goodness, but I settle for something much less. Your gentle whisper, Your Presence so sweet will I walk away or sit at Your feet, Oh Jesus please break through, I don’t want to miss this moment with You…”