the war within...

Even as I read I can feel the presence of the Lord beside me.

He is always kind, and whispers Truth.  He does not shout or condemn.  He is tender and compassionate.  He grieves with me as I mourn the losses I have had in my life.  Yet, He rejoices with me that I have a greater destiny.  I have a hope in something truer than this which I am living in now.  I have a desire for the living waters - and in this He tells me I will be satisfied. 

But, there is an ache.  It is an ache inside because of the depravity that lives within my mortal body.  The depravity that seeks my own comfort and temporary love more than it seeks the will of the One who created me.  Great sadness fills my heart as I realize that I do not fully seek redemption for those who have wounded me.  I am wounded - and there is a piece of me that still shouts “Retreat!”  “Pull Back”  “Do not fully invest yourself or your love - it is not worth it.”  "Let God exact His justice!  The justice that this situation demands."At the same time, I realize the naivete’ of that. 

To say that this life isn’t about my life is one thing, but to walk it out as so... Well, that is entirely another. 

So. Much. Loss. 

My heart is grieved to not know the delight of walking with my mother as an adult - she who brought me forth from the womb.  Never has a mother been more loving or kind.  Never has a another encouraged and believed in me like my mom.  Why, my Jesus did I have such few years with her?  Oh, how I long for her hug.  Her arms - strong and so tender at the same time.  Her eyes compassionate and full of hope.  Her smile that brought forth joy from the deepest pits of despair.  Her counsel - so full of wisdom and understanding.  What joy to be cut from that cloth.  What a gift to have been so deeply loved by her.  And what pain is in the loss of such a dear friend.

So. Much. Pain.

And, yet, I am able to say that even now, there is an abundance that marks my life that is staggering.  To see the Lord walking beside me in a manner that is undeniably Him.  To watch the movements around my life that are orchestrated by the One who called me - who chose me - who pulls me constantly out of the darkness and into the light.  It makes my heart reel with desire for the life that awaits us still. 

The truth is I want so badly to be known on the earth.  To be known by those who spend time with me.  But, that is not a harmless desire.  I am already fully known.  To desire from man, that which God has already established by Himself within me, is idolatry.  He would whisper to me, “Why is it not enough that I know you fully?”  “Why is there something more you desire than the fellowship of my Spirit?”  “Who can fill you, heal you, help you like I can?”  And my reply is that I am at war with myself.  This earth is passing away.  The time of His coming is nearer now than ever before.  He is coming for us.  He is jealous for us, and we are distracted by the lures of this world... The desires of flesh on the earth - and how do they compare?  They don’t compare.  The answers are these:   there is nothing more precious than the fellowship of the Spirit and there is no one who can fill, heal and help me as He can.  The Truth is that I have all that I need.  The Truth is that He has so much more to reveal, to share, to bestow - if only I will crucify the flesh and its desires for that which is lesser.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme indeed...  I am intoxicated by the beauty of the Lord.  And, yet, I am sobered by the reality of how far my heart still is from that which He desires for me.  Redemption - not a reckoning.  Truth in love - not delighting in the stumbling’s of the one who has wounded me repeatedly.  It is so hard to make your heart compliant - when it is still bleeding.    It is so difficult to allow love to come through when hate is standing at the door banging - really almost demanding to come in.  It is so wondrous that God can do that (allow love to heal that which hate demands to destroy) if only we are willing for Him to do that which He desires with our lives.  Truly, nothing is impossible for Him. 

Today, I am asking for Him to do that which He desires in my life - with my life - no matter what that means.  I am begging Him to see, to hear, to act - and this I know with all my heart.  He has seen.  He has heard.  And, He is moving.  His timing is beyond my understanding.  But, He will not stop until His will is on earth as it is in Heaven. 

That is what I am asking. 

Fully God. 

Not His mercy.... Not His wrath... Just the fullness of Him.  Right now.  Whatever that looks like.  I am praying and believing that He will sustain me.  He will uphold me with His righteous right hand.  I am hiding in the shelter of His magnificent wings.  It is here I will rest - though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death - even still, He will prepare a place for me- in the presence of mine enemies that I can be comforted by His rod and His staff.  What a Shepherd!  What a King! 

May the grace of God go before you today to prepare a quiet place of rest for your weary heart.  May the peace of God give you comfort in a time of great distress.  May the joy of God become your strength today.  He who has called you is able to do that which He purposed for you from the very beginning of time.  Trust Him.  He is trustworthy and true.  Forever and ever - He will be Faithful.

Steadfast Love

For the last month and a half the Lord has revived a song in my heart that I didn’t even remember was tucked away in there.  It had been 19 years or more since I heard it.  But, now that He has brought it back to my mind - it offers me life all day long.  The words are these:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning, new every morning,
Great is Thy faithfulness, oh Lord.
Great is Thy faithfulness.

Indescribable, how those words bring such Truth and Life to my weary soul.  I remember again for the millionth time this week just typing them, that His love towards me never stops.  He is so faithful.  He is so merciful.

This week was filled with too many activities.  Too much stuff that takes my eyes off the main thing.  But, through it all, He was right there.  He was reminding me these three things over and over:

 He sees me.  (Nothing is hidden from His sight)
 He knows me.  (I am fully known)
 He loves me.  (steadfastly, wholly, completely loved.)

He is the God who sees.  El Roi.  (See Heb. 4:13 & Jeremiah 23:24)  Nothing in all creation is hidden from His sight.

He is the God who fully knows me, because He created me in the secret place.  (Psalm 139:15) and He knows every move I will make before I make it. ( Psalm 139:5 &  119:168)

His love is unfailing.  (Psalm 13:5, 32:10, 33:18, 36:7)  There are too many to list!!! 

I don’t know what you are going through right now.  But, I know the One who does.  I cannot imagine the depth of the ache in your heart.  But God knows and sees all of your tears - all of the pain hidden in the darkness of your heart -  and He records your tears - Psalm 56:8.  He does not delight in your grieving.  He mourns with those who mourn. 

How deep the Father’s love for us.  How vast beyond all measure.  That He would give His only Son to make this wretch His treasure.  (another fabulous reminder through song).

Friend, I promise you His Word is true.  He is Almighty God, Faithful and True.  Loving and merciful beyond all we can imagine. 

Three times this week - when I have needed it most - He has whispered to me “I see you.  I know you.  I delight in you.”

Many times this week, He has placed a song in my heart.  A song of thankfulness.  A song of adoration. 

He is worthy.  He is worthy of all my tears.  He is worthy of all my pain.  He is worthy - and I am begging that He would receive honor and glory and praise in increasing measure in my life.  Whatever it looks like, I trust Him.  I trust in His unfailing love.  My heart rejoices in His salvation. 

There is no one like my God.  No one.   

If you need someone to depend on, someone who will always know your heart - and love you - I would love to tell you more about Jesus.  I would love to share with you His faithfulness in my life.  Lean into Him.  He can handle anything you have going on.  He is not taken by surprise by anything you are facing.  Your circumstance - no matter how big it looms over you - does not determine His ability to carry you through it.  He is able.  He is stronger.  He loves you and wants to show His love to you. 

Blessings on your week this week.  May His face shine upon you. 

(Un)Faithful

One thing that God will not allow me to forget over the past few weeks is this:

His faithfulness to me does not depend on my faithfulness to Him.  (2 Timothy 2:13)
His love towards me is not dependent on anything I do. (Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:10)
His approval of me is established forever by the blood of His Son. (Eph 2:13; Hebrews 9:15)

Therefore, there is nothing more I have to do ever - to gain His approval or love or affections.  Ever.  Can you believe that?  I mean it, really, can you let that sink in for a minute?  Nothing you do - or don't do *after you have accepted Jesus as the sacrifice for your sins* changes God's mind about who you are! 

Your righteous acts are as filthy rags.
Every gift is from Him.

You become nothing - and gain everything. 

I love the paradigm shift.  I love how opposed to this world that is. 
I have to "do more" becomes,  "He did it all for me already".
I have to "be more" becomes, "Be still and know that I am God".
"Look out for number one" becomes "Fix your eyes on Jesus".

It is terribly difficult to look at things you cannot see.  To find treasures in darkness (Isaiah 45:3).  To unlock the mysteries of the Word.  But, by the Holy Spirit we are able to do such things.  God shares His secrets under the right circumstances. (1 Cor. 4:1; Psalms 25:14 (NIV) ) 

There is true freedom when you realize that you cannot change God's mind about you.  When you allow Him to change your heart - He gives you a new one - and forever and ever you belong.  You are His.  You cannot be taken away.  You cannot lose His love.  Precious peace beyond all understanding is yours for the taking - knowing that you are finally enough.  Your life matters because it matters to God. 

I cannot express what it would do for your whole outlook on life if you could really understand how the Creator of the Universe loves you.  If you could just for one minute embrace it.  Don't take my word for it - take His!!  Pick up the Book right now and search out how much He loves you.  Go to Biblegateway.org and type in unfailing love....  just see what He says about His love for you.  I am overwhelmed again at His plan.  It is so contrary to man's.  But, it is so beautiful. 

I am so in love with Him.

A new heart...

While driving down the road, at the beginning of a very hectic, but very joyful week I had one of life's most wonderful opportunities.

Jude and Mia were in the back of the car, and Maddy and I were up front.  We were talking about God.  We were talking about sin.  We were talking about our need for Jesus - and Heaven, where He lives (and Grandma Cindy too).

Jude told me again (because he really does tell me this all the time...) that God is the only one who always does what is right and doesn't lie.  I love to hear him say that.  It is True.  It is a good truth to know.  Even when you are 4.  Then He started telling me how Jesus came to earth, died on the cross and rose again on the third day.

I love this kid.  I love our church.  I love the he seems to have loved God from the moment he was born.  He is always telling me wonderful things about Jesus and God.  He also loves for me to sing "I Love You Lord" at bed time.  When he gets afraid in the night, he sings it all by himself.  And, according to him, it works. :)  Of course it does.  Any time we put our eyes on something other than God, it can get scary.  Just ask the 4 year old in the dark.  But, when we remind ourselves that God is always with us - we are never out of His sight, things seem to be a little more manageable.

Anyway, it was a great chat.  I told Maddy that I had started this conversation with him last week, but we were interrupted, and alas, we had to resume at another moment.  Here we were, stuck in the car for several hours, so I figured we should make the most of it.  Surely we did.

I asked Jude if he understood why we needed Jesus.  He did.
I asked Jude if he understood why God sent Jesus.  He did.
Then, he told me how Jesus died on the cross - but He rose again on the third day.  I loved that part.  To watch him tell me the gospel.  Jesus died mom, but it didn't end there....  now that was my favorite!  At that point, I asked him if he would like to go to heaven one day.  He said he wanted to go later that day (after we established that there are things cooler than toys that we have here).  I told him I wasn't aiming at letting him go quite that soon!  But, it was so sweet.

We did say a prayer out loud, but I am fairly certain in my heart that the transaction had already taken place in his little heart well before the words came out.  I told him that because he believed in Jesus, and because he understood that he HAD to have Jesus to go to Heaven with God, that God had given him a new heart.

He smiled really big.
Then we prayed and thanked God for giving him a new heart, and for sending Jesus because He loves us so much.

I smiled so big.     

I told him that his heart was new because God says that when we believe in Jesus, we get a new heart, and in fact, the Holy Spirit comes to help us make good choices.  We talked about how the temptations would still be there to do naughty things, but that now we had someone with us all the time to help us make right choices.  There were many other things we talked about, but it was my favorite to hear him tell people the rest of the day that God had given him a new heart.  Yes, little man, God gave you a new heart indeed.  The process has begun.  There are sure to be many times that I have to remind myself that God sees and knows his little heart much better than I do at all times, but how sweet that already his heart is for God.
It is always nice to me to hear myself telling people the Gospel, because I needed the reminder too.  Temptations will always be there, but we have a Helper.  God sees my new heart - always.  He doesn't even remember my old heart.  He loves that boy and his new heart... and he is just as crazy about this girl and her new heart.

What a great day to remember the grace and mercy of God.  What a great day for a new heart!

super short (but important) update to laundry posts!!!

this is not my pic, I took it from google  :)

I have decided to switch to Fels Naptha bar soap instead of the lever 2000.  It is actually a laundry soap, so it is friendlier to your washing machine... and has a better fragrance because it is designed for laundry.

I still believe it saves a boat load of money in the long run.  It isn't an expensive soap.

Just wanted to share the knowledge.  Thanks A.J. for the head's up on that!  :)

Streams of Living Water

My heart is so full.

My soul is completely satisfied.  As with the richest of foods.

My heart rejoices in Your salvation, my God. 

In Your presence there is fullness of joy. 

My heart is saying again and again, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.” Psalm 28:7

Today, I can rejoice, with a soft heart, a refreshed and renewed spirit within me.  Because of His great love for me, I am not consumed.  God worked through no less than 6 families to bring me safely to Kansas City.  I had no way to get here on my own, but I knew with all of my heart that I had to come to the prayer room.  As always, He has spoken His Word and His truth over my heart, confirming that which He had already placed in my heart, but renewing my spirit within me.  Giving me peace that passes any understanding.  Bestowing upon me grace upon grace to stand and say that I am His.  I will walk whatever way He desires, no matter what the cost because He is so worthy! 

He is worthy.  Oh, beloved, I beg you to press into Him.  Come to know this man Jesus who loved you to the point of death.  He gave it all up because He is crazy about you.  He came down from Heaven - the most glorious place - because we needed Him.  You must come to know Him.  Don’t settle for hearing about Him.  Don’t settle for thinking you know Him on Sundays.  Press in to really know Him - read His Word of Life, the Bible.  Give Him your time and your affections.  He will not mishandle them.  He is faithful.  He is good.  He is able to be trusted.  He is deserving of all praise!  Psalm 54:4, “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the One who sustains me.”

I am so thankful for my friends who helped me come here and be refreshed.  I thank you for your prayers, for your gifts of gas money, the beautiful place to stay, the prayer covering as I have been here, and your gift of a vehicle with exceptional gas mileage!!  May God bless you with blessings upon blessings for being the very heart of Christ towards me during this time of great need!  Truly, I say to you my heart can now say, “You gave abundant showers, O God; you refreshed your weary inheritance.” Psalm 68:9.
 
I am stunned each day I am here as He has made it so personal to me during this time of worship and rest.  My mom told me many years ago that my life verse is Psalm 63:8 , “My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me.”  It is set in the midst of one of my very favorite Psalms.  Yesterday and today in the morning the “worship in the Word” was through Psalm 63.  I am telling you He is reminding me that I am His beloved.  I am His favorite.  :)  And, Beloved friends, you are too.  Oh how I wish I could make that a reality in your mind.  He is crazy about you.  He delights in you.  He still thinks you were worth the cross!! 

He is revealing to me over and over that He is jealous for me and He wants to destroy everything in my heart that hinders love.  He will go to any lengths to make me fully His and He will do the same for you. 

I will leave you with these things that are foremost in my mind and some beautiful words of Truth:

To everyone who will hear,  Jesus says this, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” 

I have been so thirsty, that I forgot the streams of living water were already flowing from within me.  But, He has been gracious and reminded me that He has been with me, and helping me all along.  What a sweet God.  What a merciful Savior.

Psalm 57:1-3 “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.  I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.  He sends from Heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends His love and His faithfulness.”

Psalm 59:16-17, “But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.  O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.”

Psalm 63:3 “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you, and I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.”

Psalm 86:8-10 “Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.  All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name.  For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.”

Indeed, there is but One God, and indeed there is but One who saves.  And, He stands ready to rescue you from all of your troubles, if you should only declare in your heart and with your mouth that you need Him.  He will hear you, and He will receive you, and He will help you.

When what you thought you knew as right... is wrong.

What do you do when you look around, and everything you thought you knew was really not quite right?

I guess you can deny it for a while. 

You can decide to hold fast and hold tight hoping not to let it slip through your hands- claiming infallibility (which is certainly a farce).

Or you can open wide your hands and let loose your grip on the things that you thought... And ask God to reveal to you Truth.  It is interesting how far He will go to remind us He loves us and He sees us.  I am constantly reminded and surprised at the lengths He will go to remind me who He is.  Thing is, He has always been doing that.  I just chose not to see for a while.  Many years ago I was offended often at the things He allowed into my life.  I didn’t blame Him necessarily, I just chose to believe He was holding out on me because of my sin and my choices.  I believed that I was getting what I deserved.  But, that is just it...   He doesn’t want for any of us to get what we deserve.  He calls it mercy - and He desires that we follow after Him in that. 

“I desire mercy, not sacrifice...”  And again  “Walk humbly, do justly, love mercy...” 

He loves to love us well.  He loves to go to crazy lengths to remind us that we are His, and that He wants to give us good things.  So often we just have to take a different view of things.  We just have to have eyes that are willing to see His goodness - even through the brokenness that surrounds us.  The sin.  The pain.  The death.  The circumstances that seem overwhelming and insurmountable.  I want eyes to see it for what it is.  I want eyes to see that there is HOPE.  There is BEAUTY.  There is ETERNITY - where there will be PERFECTION.  No more sin.  No more death.  No more pain.  No more overwhelming circumstances (except that we will be overwhelmed by the Glory of God). 

Whew. 
I needed that reminder today. 

I needed the reminder that all of my brokenness will one day be HEALED - and healed COMPLETELY. 

I needed the reminder again that this life is not all there is.  There is much more.  There is life abundant.

To love is so complicated some times.  I love to love.  But, sometimes you have to set boundaries so that love remains loving - and not enabling.  Sometimes you have to love in Truth and know it’s gonna hurt.  Sometimes you have to lean into the character of God when you know your character isn’t strong enough to do it right.  Sometimes you have to say enough is enough - knowing that it will bring more glory to God to speak Truth in love than it will to turn silently and walk away.

I am confident that I’m not gonna get this right the first time.  I am praying for grace and mercy.  I am praying that God will hem me in before and behind and that I will listen and do His will.  But, alas, I am still in this fleshy flesh.  I am still in a sinners body full of selfishness and pride.  And, I am confident I will screw it up.  But, that is why I need Him so desperately.  He will mend the things I break - because my heart is for Him - and my desire is to not bring pain, but bring healing through my new loving actions.  It is kind of like when Jesus says He is giving a new command... To love.  He is teaching me a new command in love.  And, it is shaking me up.  I am begging for wisdom - and I know He will give it to me because He promises to do so - without judging me for it. 

Oh I am crazy about this God I serve.  I am crazy in love with Him... And so very thankful that He is rich in love and full of mercy.  I cannot throw anything at Him that He can’t handle.  That brings me to a place of rest and peace in my Spirit that I cannot explain.   It is a sweet sweet place indeed.  I hope in the midst of your chaotic day or week, or summer you have a sweet place of rest.  I pray that you will take the time to enter into a restful few minutes with Him and recognize that no matter what is flying all around you - He is for you, and He sees you, and He loves you. 

Thanks for stopping by.  May Grace go before you today.