The Darkness Inside

Well, I wish I had a pretty post to write - with a pretty bow to tie and wrap it up - but that is not what this is.  This is more like a backwards glance over my shoulder at a really difficult week.

I took my eyes off of the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  Stink.

I hate it when I do that.  I know better.  My sin never just effects me.  But, God is always there to remind me - in the gentlest of ways that He is better.  He is worth more than the pain that I am going through. 
I was singing... on the worship team at church... and I was wrestling with God.  Mostly I was just having a tantrum because of my feelings.  Not to say there weren't some legitimate hurts... just to say, they weren't worth forgetting where my focus should be - and it is not on me...  that is nothing but a big pile of trouble waiting to happen.   But, as I wrestled through the first "set"...  I realized that I was still being so selfish.  So, once we finished, I took a time out.  I went to the kitchen of the church and I talked with Jesus.  Really, I sang to Him.  I had the words to a song swirling in my mind all throughout worship and I knew that He was prompting my heart to sing them to Him - and mean them.  So, I sang... and I sang and I sang until I meant it. 

Choose - Christy Nockels (excerpt)
Let me be in love with what you love.
Let me be most satisfied in You.
Forsaking what this world has offered me.
I choose to be in love with You. I will choose to be in love with You.
Let me know the peace that's mine in You
Let me know the joy my heart can sing
For I have nothing Lord, apart from You
I choose to call on Christ in me.  I will choose to call on Christ in me.
For in the fullness of who You are, I can rest in this place.
And giving over this, my journey Lord, I see nothing but Your face. 
And I bow down.
Humbly I bow down.  Humbly I bow down.  I bow down.
Let me know that you have loved me first.
Let me know the weight of my response,
For you have long pursued my wandering heart
I choose to glory in the cross.  Yes, I will choose to glory in the cross.

You see, it is a choice.  It is a choice every day, every hour, and sometimes every minute to choose godliness, holiness, and truth over lies, accusations and the flesh.  My flesh was so strong.  I knew it.  And the Lord used a worship teammate to tell me truth.  My posture was "closed off" - and I had to admit, it was because my heart was closed off.  I was still in the process of wrestling things out with the Lord... and it had an effect.  I was a bit sad that my actions, my selfishness, my sin could impact people at all.  But, then the Lord reminded me what I tell my kids all the time.  "Your sin never just affects you."  NEVER.  It was a pretty clear picture.  So, I sang, and I meant it.  Let me choose to love those things you love - truth, justice, mercy, love...  and think on holy things.  Let me be most satisfied in You.  His grace is sufficient.  I know that is Truth.  I just momentarily focused on the temporary... the circumstances that shout out lies constantly.  It was a sweet moment, and a humbling moment.   I hate my flesh... and yet, I know that I made choices that perpetuated the selfish thinking.  Well, poop.  I am not happy about that even now - but I am learning today - again- that His mercies are new every morning (and on some occasions, twice in the same morning).  Second service was sweet as I worshiped from a posture of deep gratitude for His constant pursuing of my heart.  Darkness has no where to hide when He comes.  He is light, and He is life.  The darkness must flee from His presence.  I just forgot for a minute that the Light was with me the whole time.  

Last week was really difficult.  I don't want to re-do it.  But, this week promises to be sweet - as long as I set my mind on things above.  Worship was much easier today after having several long talks with really good friends -and a good reproof from the One that made me and knows and loves me completely.  I love how He deals with me.  I am in love with my Savior - who has saved me once again.    My mind is clearer...  but, I am not foolish, I know that we are all just a step away from stupid.  One little step. 

Coffee at 8:30 pm... what do you mean I can't sleep?

Tonight I have a grateful heart.  A very grateful heart.

I am so thankful for the newness of this season of our lives.  It is seeming to creep in, much like fall in Texas.  :)  One day the heat is so unbearable... and you feel you will never find relief... and then the next day, it drops 20 degrees, there is a cool breeze blowing and you think to yourself, "I could get used to this."  Two days later we are wondering if we dreamed the cool breeze, and the temperatures in the car rise to unbearable levels,  but it gave us a taste... and hope that one day in the next few weeks we might taste that cooler weather and enjoy being outside again.

That really is such a perfect picture of life right now for us.  Tonight... there is a cool breeze in my weary heart and I keep thinking, "I could get used to this."  I got to meet some of the most precious ladies in College Station.  I love to "do life" with people.  I loved the time I got to share with them.  It is a bit like Ezekiel and the dry bones.   I feel the breath of Life traveling through this pile of bones.  I feel God stirring in ways that I have missed deeply.  And I am thankful.  Thankful that for today, in my life, the season of cool breezes came and gave me a visit.  Thankful that the God of bigger dreams than I can imagine let me taste His goodness and see the Truth with my own eyes that He has good plans for me - and my precious family. 

I am ready for a full blown change of season.  In fact, I am thanking God right now that He will do that.  It is time for a new thing.  It is time for relief.  But, if my timing is not my God's timing... well, it is easy to figure out who got it wrong!  His thoughts are higher than my own, and His ways, so very different.  But, He is good and all He does is good. 

What a beautiful God.  What a treasure of a night.  Now, to fall asleep thanking God for each one of my new friends.   That sounds very sweet to me. 

A downward spiral with an upward perspective...

Today was a hard day.

My feelings were hurt.  My family was hurt.  But, that was, something... surmountable.  Something I have grown a little used to, and something that quite frankly stems from selfishness in some ways.

But, then, after my heart was sufficiently wounded for one day- the enemy decided to take one more punch at my weary flesh.  It stung.  It stung with the sting of death.  The feel of utter defeat. I felt like I was being devoured in one savory bite by that fierce lion that prowls for me night after night.

The news was this:  the business bank account was drained - everything was taken.  Not one penny left.

Payroll just went out - and the checks will not clear.  Not because we didn't have the money in there.  But because someone else decided they had more right to it than we do.

We have received so much help from people who love us.  We have been in awe of God each week as we watch Him provide for us in ways far too creative for us to think of.  This month has been the hardest of them all from a faith-less perspective.  We are hard pressed on every side.  People calling day and night...  everyone wanting what it is that we don't have to give.  And then, twice in three months, we have gone online to check the account and found a completely empty bank account.  An account that, prior to the money being taken - sat at its prime position in the month to pay mortgages and leases, and bills.  Indeed it was ripe for the picking.  In three months $5,000.00 has been taken from us without our consent.

It is not that we are pretending we don't owe people money - believe me we do.  It is simply that right now, because we are waiting on things to sell and a job offer to come through - we don't have anything extra to give.  We are being threatened by creditors as if we are holding out something we have- and the part that is just super draining is that we just. don't.  We just don't have anything extra.  It is by God's grace alone, through the hands of His people that we have had the things that we need.  But, some people apparently have the power to take from you when you literally don't have enough to make ends meet as it is.  It was a deep wound.  I will be honest.  I sat on the floor in my bathroom and sobbed big ugly tears.  I cried out loud - and I told Jesus that I am broken hearted.  He promises to be near to those whose hearts are broken.  His promises are true.  Always and forever, His promises are true.

I cried for so long and so deeply, that I curled up and got comfortable.  It is days like today that make me miss my mom in the fiercest of ways.  I know well what she would have done.  She would have brushed my hair.  She would have sat and brushed it for as long as she could manage - assuring me that it would all be okay.  And coming from her, I would have believed it.  I do believe it.  God's Word is Truth - even when I sit and rock myself, crying that this stress, this pressure must come to an end at some point...
Pieces of truth swirl in my mind.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  I am not carrying the right burden.  His Word is Truth.  He is for me - He is always for me.  His love knows no boundaries and He will never fail me.

We just get the wrong idea sometimes.  We believe that the hard things in life make us stronger, when the whole point is that they are supposed to make us more clearly understand our weakness.  It is in our weakness that He can prove His strength.  Praise Him that He can show Himself in a mighty way in our lives.  He can, and I believe with all of my heart - He will and indeed He already is.   I have never felt so weak, so completely inept to even handle what I have on my plate for this very minute.  I hear the growl of that lion, and my heart melts with fear.  All the while, I am sheltered in the shadow of wings - wings of a Mighty Warrior - and One who will not let me slip from His strong grip.  So, to that prowling devil of a lion, I say this, "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet I believe that His unfailing love for me will not be shaken - nor will His covenant of peace be removed - and this because my Lord has compassion on me!" (Isaiah 54:4)
We may be hard pressed on every side.  And, I surely cannot tell you what will come of things this next month... but these things I hold dear to my heart:
1.  Our God will never leave or forsake us.
2.  Perfect love casts out all fear.
3.  He (God) is good and everything He does is good.
4.  Nothing can separate us from His love.
5.  His plans for us are good.
6.  The enemy will not, and can not win, for the victory was already won on the cross.
7.  Christ is stronger.   He has saved us.  Christ is risen.  Jesus is Lord of all!

Pray for us, please.  But, thank God with us that He already knows the answer to our deepest need.  We need not utter them, for He knows the words before they come out of our mouths.  Pray that He will meet our deepest needs.  Pray that He will show Himself mighty in our lives.  

Gratitude...

Then the King will say to those on His right, “Come to me, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”  Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thrirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and cloth you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’  The King will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

There is no way to express how thankful I am to my God this morning.

I love the body of Christ.  I love the people God has called together to be brothers and sisters in order to honor His name.

Friends and family have come together to bless our family with school supplies... A clarinet, clothes to fit Jake for athletics.  Others have said they would like to help buy some of the things that were not given, and give some more of the clothes that will be necessary for them this year.  A friend dropped off some school supplies on my porch this morning.  I don’t have words for the gratitude in my heart.  Of course, gratitude for these precious people.  But, also - and more so, to the God of the universe that brought us together as a family and knows every need we have before we even ask it.  That is the God I serve.  The God that is not bound by anything - but is over all things and so loving to His children.  I know He will reward the precious people who “did for the least of these...”

God is providing everything we need through the hands of His precious children.  I am in awe of His beauty this morning.

Isaiah 54:10, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

I cannot wait to see the way He will meet every one of our needs.  I look forward to watching Him be who He loves to be.

Maranatha (Oh Lord come!)

In Need...

There was a song we used to sing in worship called "In Need" - I believe it was written by Ross King.  It said, "in need of grace, in need of love, in need of mercy reigning down from high above.  In need of strength, in need of peace, in need of things that only you can give to me.  In need of Christ, the perfect lamb, my refuge strong, the great I Am.  This is my song, my humble plea, I am your child, I am in need."  It makes me sob buckets right now.  It is perfectly beautiful to describe how we are every day - even when we don't realize it.

I do not like to ask for help (usually because of PRIDE).

The Bible tells me PRIDE is not okay.

I believe the Bible is 100% correct - and that brings me to the point.

For my friends who like lists and not words...  Scroll down and you will find the list of practical needs.  :)  For my other friends who don’t mind all my words... Here ya go!

Life has not been a bowl of cherries for us over the last 6 months.  There have been some really difficult things.  These things have tested my ability to rest in Jesus while seemingly everything around me swirled into oblivion.  But, I DID (and still do!) trust Jesus - and He has come through.  He has never let us down.  Each month, we have sat literally stunned by how He took care of things.  It has been so cool (and yet, so hard) to watch him teach us what trusting Him for  our daily bread really looks like.

That is the second reason I have hesitated to “post” any of these requests.  I know that God can meet every need we have.  I believe that with my whole heart.  But, if I don’t let people know our needs - well - but, there is still the Holy Spirit...  See my dilemma?  Am I taking things into my own hands by asking, is that some lack of faith that God will provide?  I don’t think so.  I think, for now, He has laid it on my heart to share our needs and watch Him take care of things.  But, I have to be honest, there is a voice in my head that tells me I lack faith and I am trusting in myself and not my God to provide.  - Go away stupid voice.  I love Jesus and I am confident He will accomplish more than I can even imagine.

With that said, there are some practical things that we really need and if someone else has them and doesn’t need them, we would be blessed.  However, I do not want anyone to give under compulsion - as I can assure you God will provide.  He promises He will meet every need we have, and He is FAITHFUL!

*  size L mens maroon athletic shorts - yes I am an Aggie, but it is really because that is the color the school insists he has. He probably needs two pair - one to wear while the other one is washing.
*  Assorted notebooks and spirals (one black binder for Maddy’s band) and spirals of any color for all three of the kiddos.
* A clarinet.  Used is fantastic - I just don’t know where to begin to find her an instrument and she really wants to be in band. There are many things that are needed for this (reeds and cleaning cloths and such).

I have to stop for a minute and tell you right now tears are rolling down my cheeks.  This is so hard to do.  Yes, pride... Yes, because it is hard to literally not be able to give my kids the things that they need for school...  Yes, because I would so much prefer to be on the other end of this email - searching for ways that we could help.  It is so not fun to feel unable to help someone else.  Probably one of the hardest parts of it all...  Ugh.  So. Not. Fun.

* a lawnmower (or someone who is good with stuff like that who could come fix ours that is broken)

* shorts for Maddy for athletics (also maroon I think)  size S/M - women’s.  She is about a women’s size 3 or 4.  I don’t know what they call that for athletic shorts.

* Other school supplies (like pencils and specific notebooks that I haven’t even found out about yet).

I want you to know from the deepest place in my heart that I am more thankful for your prayers than I can say.  I know what it is not to be able to help someone with a list -so if that is where you are - know that praying for us will do far more - and go much further than you could ever imagine.  So, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you for every one who reads this - and even just for that moment - prays for our family.  God will provide and I can’t wait to share how He did it with you.

Much love,
~Christy
 

A call to repentence - the need for a response

I was privileged to get to go with a few beautiful friends of mine to Reliant Stadium this past Saturday.  I believe that I was there for an 'event' that is sure to change the course of history.
There was no political mumbo jumbo.
It was made quite clear - repeatedly, that no person was to receive glory that day.
The clapping and praising and crying out was to but One man - this God-man who is called Jesus.

Indeed, we stood to our feet when Dr. James (and Shirley) Dobson came out.  It was a moment I'll not forget.  It was beautiful to see with my eyes these precious souls who have poured out their lives for the One that matters.  It was not that we desired to give them praise, but an overwhelming feeling of thanks was rising in my heart to the One who predestined them to be captured in their hearts by Jesus.

There was no fear in uttering the name of Jesus.  Of course, we were crying out to God, but we were lifting high the Name above all names.  It was beautiful.  We also sang "America".  The beauty of coming together and singing of how God shed His grace on us, as Americans was something indeed.  We take it for granted every day.  This country is not great because of the great men who have led us.  This country is great because of the Great God who poured out His grace to those men. 

We began with worship.  We sang of the worth and beauty of Jesus Christ and we stood together proclaiming His grace and mercy.  After that, was a solemn time.  A time where we were led to reflect on our own personal sin - and repent for that before a Holy God.  It was a time of ownership.  It was not a time of blame, or a place where guilt was cast upon others.  It was a time to acknowledge our fault - accept our responsibility as the church for allowing our nation to come to this place in history.

Dr. Dobson recounted the time in history where the German army was coming against the British and French armies in the 1940's.  The Church of England called for a time of prayer and fasting.  3 days later, God answered their cries and the armies were saved.  God hears us when we humble ourselves and cry out to Him.

It was humbling to stand and think of how far we are from acknowledging our need for Him each day.  We have become altogether too self sufficient, only, we are not sufficient in ourselves at all.  Thus, the debt and the lack of family unity and the current state of our nation.  This drought can be ended by one word uttered from the mouth of God.  That is fact.  But, beloved friends, He LOVES US TOO MUCH to let us continue in the mindset that we are enough in and of ourselves!  We need Him.  We must cry out to Him alone for help.  The time for trusting in our 401k and our great "plans" is over.  Those financial things will not bring rain to the earth! (sorry, I digress...)
To get to the point here, I will give you the format and try to be brief in my elaboration :)
The four main prayer segments were this:  Personal Repentance.  Corporate Repentance.  The First Commandment.  And in closing, Prayer for Revival in America.
It was beautiful as the older generation stood and blessed the younger generation - and then in turn, the younger generation stood and blessed the older generation.  Staggering to see a small boy (maybe 9 or 10) stand and pray with conviction for his generation to rise up and call on the Lord.  My eyes could not contain the tears as he prayed.  The thought that Jesus was up there at that moment - hearing him - and loving him - solidified something deep in my heart.  God hears us when we pray.  God delights in His children and He will not fall silent when we come before Him in humility and ask Him to help.  He delights in us, beloved, and He made us to delight in Him.
There are many other things that took place in that place.  I was blessed that in my inability to get to the prayer room in Kansas City, God saw fit to bring a piece of it to me (and the other 30,000 people who were there).  It was just what my soul needed.  Brokenness.  Repentance.  Accountability.  Realization of our need.  Confidence in our Maker.  I know that the heart of the living God was moved.  I know He heard us, and I am continuing to pray that the hearts of the people will be turned back to Him.  I saw it in myself even as we were only 30 minutes down the road...  The tendency towards forgetting all that we had just confessed before the Father.  The tendency to look towards the next thing in my day, and my week.  God allowed me to see how quickly I forget.  So, I am asking Him not to let me forget.  Every cloud I see in the sky makes me believe that He is about to send the rain.  And, with that, I am asking that He would also reign over this great nation with His mighty power once again.
It is time.  Jesus, please come with mercy.

Bathrobes and other such stuff...

Well, I thought that was a nice change from my normal "title".  And, it is legit.  

I went to a training last week for my new job (which I love!).  We met at a ranch in Chapell Hill.  It was beautiful!  The landscape was amazing.  The other admin was so sweet - and our Regional Trainer - well, she and I are kindred spirits.  I simply loved her.  I loved the whole thing.  I got so tickled when we got there and there was a lime green bag - a gift on my bed.

The anticipation grew.
I really wanted to look, but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.
Turns out, I could have, but I waited just in case.

When it was a very appropriate time, I opened it up, and inside was a white bathrobe with the Younglife Logo - and our Region name embroidered on it.  Wow.  That was so cool.
It is the kind of robe that you want to steal from fancy hotels.  You know, the kind that make you want to act like a brat and order room service.  Yep.  It was mine, and just because the amazing people at Young Life wanted me to know that they appreciate me - and they value the work I do.  I still can't believe it.  I hadn't done a thing to earn that robe.  I didn't deserve that robe.  But, it was a gift.  And, I accepted it with deep gratitude in my heart.  So cool.

Now, when I wear it around the house, (which isn't often right now in this 100 degree weather), but when I do wear it...  I make my children refer to me as "Your Highness".  We all laugh, but deep inside I know it, I am royalty, and this was a really sweet way for the King of Kings to remind me that I am His daughter - and royalty indeed.

I love my soft robe, but more than that, I love the organization that made it, and the precious people who decided to give it to me, and even more than that... I love Jesus Christ - the One worth living for - at work, at home, and in all things.  What a gift.  The robe, the organization, the people, and the "job".  It is no longer necessary for me to fight for joy as I get ready for work.  It is easy to be filled with joy as I serve the Lord in this job.  This is such a precious gift after a very long time of striving to do my job with joy.  I wish everyone could love their job the way I do.  I really do.  I hope I never take for granted the way it feels to know I am right where God wants me to be (in this area, at least).  :)   

This is abundance.  This is what life is about.  Knowing Him, and making Him known.  Loving people well.  Reminding people that they are valued in the eyes of Him who created them and made them for His glory.  I am so thankful that Young Life wants to reach every kid with the good news of Jesus Christ.  What a sweet place this is to work.  I can't wait to become an old pro at the office stuff, so that I can serve more in the ministry of Young Life.   Coolest. Job. Ever!

God is faithful.  He will never fail us.  Never.  That doesn't mean things will be easy.  But, it does mean that we are not subject to our circumstances.  We can trust God's plans for us - they are always best, and He can take any situation and turn it for His glory, and our good.