Friendship...

Wow. That in and of itself is a mouthful. What do you think of when you think of your friends? Do you think of the 200+ people that are your “friends” on facebook? Or maybe, you think of the 20 or so people that you would call to tell the best (and worst) news of your life to. Or maybe, you think of the 1 or 2 people that have been there a long time - or maybe haven’t been there long, but they are the ones that you look to for this time. The ones that seem to know you even when you aren’t making yourself “known”. Friendship, like all relationships is an interesting phenomenon. I have had close friends - who have become far friends... Some in distance, some in heart. I have had forever friends that even though we haven’t seen each other in literally years, I know that they will always be there... always love me, just the way God made me. I have some friends that have whirled into my life for a short season, but they have stayed in my heart for the long haul. I have some friends that have passed through before I even really got to know them. It is a funny thing to be a friend.

I love people. I really do. Even people who misunderstand me. I love people who are just plain silly, and those who wouldn’t know silly if it bit them in the bottom. But, I realize that usually when I say that I love people, I mean I love the way people love me.

I have had friends that loved me well at first, and then, like a worn-out shoe, or a burned out song - I was cast aside for the newest, more wonderful one. I have had friends that have thought I was one thing or another - and then they found out I am human. Full of selfishness, pride and faithlessness - and it was at that point the friendship fades away. I have had friends that have actually loved me because of all of my flaws. I love those friends! I have just been thinking about how interesting this word friend is. I have literally been de-friended on Facebook. Ha! Now, you can really let people know how you feel :) I have been un-linked on blogs, I have been shied away from in person. I have been avoided by phone - and I have been misunderstood by those who should have known better. But, I have also been loved well. I have been treated better than I should be. I have had dear friends. I have had friendships that will last literally into eternity. I have shared the best and worst moments of my life with my friends.

While thinking about the wide array of friendships I have, and have had, I couldn’t help but be so thankful that my best friend is never changing. He is always loving me. Even when I am faithless, selfish and prideful. He loves to see me smile, and He doesn’t mind it if I cry. He believes in me. He believed in me long before I ever believed in Him. His love is not fickle. It is not based on what I bring to the table. It is not based on how many times I call Him or text Him. It is not based on if I say the right things, or if I feel the right way. He doesn’t judge me by what is happening on the outside. He looks straight into my heart. That friendship brings freedom. That friendship is what I long to offer to my friends. Whether they are near or far (in proximity, or in heart). I long to be the kind of friend that doesn’t worry about my own feelings. I long to be the friend that doesn’t get all wrapped up in expectations. I long to be the friend that always listens, prays faithfully, and loves unconditionally. But that is tough. People do hurt us. Friends misunderstand us... and it isn’t easy to be that kind of friend. Still, that is what I am asking the Lord for. I am asking that I become a friend to everyone who needs one, in just the way they need. Not that I would become some overloaded lady with constant appointments and social engagements. Just that I would simply love those who need to be loved, in the moment they need it that God allows me to be there. Just that I would really care more about others than I do myself. Oh, Lord help me. I know that is not how I think right now. But, you oh mighty God can change even the hardest of hearts.

Whew!

There is so much going on - I don't even know where to begin. We met Christian's (prospective) adoptive family today. They are wonderful. They are sweet and kind and fun to hang out with. If we lived in the same town we would be great friends. I mean, we will be friends anyway, but I think we could be really close friends. That is sweet to know. I have a great peace in my heart about what all will follow. I know that God's plan is best, and I know He has a great plan for this little boy. He is sweet and precious - and very loved.

Please pray for my Candice. She is supposed to come and sign the papers tomorrow - voluntary relinquishment of Christian. Whew. That is just so hard for me. I am not going to like being there for that. I mean, I wouldn't miss it because I want to be there for her... but I am going to hate what that means. I am going to hate watching her cry and knowing that she is just so confused and saddened by her own choices. I feel like if she would just plug into a good church family and stay away from old friends, she would be so much better off. She could heal and have such a better life, but I have no doubt that Christian will have a much better life if he is further away from his birthfather. Please pray for her that she would really lean into God during all of this. Pray that I would have words and a comforting presence to her. I sure love her.

The house situation has been something else! We never know what's next. But, we do know that God knows where we will be living and just how that will look. He is so amazing. His love is complete and it doesn't fall short of what we need at any given time. Soon enough we will be moved (again) and soon enough we will have our family situated in a more permanent (I think) residence. There is a lot we can learn though, about living in a temporary home. If you don't buckle in too deep, it isn't terribly hard to let go. If you don't ever consider it as "yours" it isn't nearly as hard to grasp it with loose fingers. So, my dream would be that we are moved into our new house before July 1st and that we will not take for granted the house that we have. I also am praying that we will be wise with what we keep, what we sell, and what we give away. It all belongs to the Lord, and I am ready to not be stingy. I want to give freely and love the Giver way more than the gifts.

Speaking of gifts! It has been such a blessing and a gift to be singing on the praise team at church. Oh my heart has missed this a lot! I am getting the opportunity to sing about 3 weekends a month at church. It is so great. It is just so great! I am truly blessed by the timing of this precious gift from the Lord.

Well, that precious little boy is letting me know it is time for his bottle. So, I will go for now, but I wanted you to know how to pray for us. It has been a crazy month, and I suspect the next two months will be a little more of the same. God is faithful - and He will provide everything we need to get through all of these times. What a sweet Savior we have! What a good God!

Joy - delightfully attainable...

Well it’s been a while since I’ve been here. It is a familiar place - a place I love. I love to sit and share the things that God is doing in my life - even when I don’t really understand it all... Or even most of it!

I am back at work full time (plus some). It has been a difficult transition for all of us. I cried every single day for the first week (at least). Tears of sadness for having to leave my babies (oh how I love being a mommy!). Tears of uncertainty because, let’s face it, if things were financially wonderful I wouldn’t have to be there. Tears of frustration for the million decisions that landed us where we are. Tears - feeling my incompetence to juggle it all well. But, through all of that, the thing that grieved my heart the most (well, it was a close tie with missing my babies) was the fact that I was struggling, REALLY struggling to do it all with joy. I want to live a life marked by JOY! My life is hidden in God through Christ! I have a hope and a future. I have more waiting for me in another place than I could ever dream of here - and it is the stuff that matters. It is the eternal stuff. Why then, could I not put on joy just because my circumstance here was seeming a little dreary? Ugh - humanness. I cannot help but be human. I cannot help but be frail and weak so often. I wish that through everything I could persevere with EXCELLENCE.

I know that God is faithful. He cannot be otherwise. I know that no matter what it all looks like to me right now - He has a plan - a good plan for us. I know that He has not and WILL NOT abandon me - no matter how loud the voice is in my mind that tells me otherwise. God is FAITHFUL. God is loving. God is kind. God is merciful and compassionate and MIGHTY! God has not failed me. His love has not failed. He is allowing this season for a purpose. Probably because He knows how much I long to be a faithful servant - and at the same time deeply understanding how far I am from becoming who He has created me to be. I want to be ALL that He has created me to be. For this season, it looks like putting on Joy and putting off fear and bitterness and doubt. For this season it looks like trusting Him when that really seems foolish. For this season it looks like taking one step at a time in no certain direction trusting that when His Word says that He leads me - that He really does. I need to believe His Word. It is as simple as that. I need to take Him at His Word and I need to rely fully on His provision for me. At this point I am realizing how much easier that is to say than to do. At this point I am wanting to retrieve the lady inside of me (that I used to know) that found it easy to have faith and trust in every circumstance. That seemed easier when we had paid off our debt and were climbing up financially instead of sinking. What is faith if it isn’t tested? What is believing when it is easy to believe? What is persevering if there is nothing challenging ahead? God knows what He is doing - of this I am certain.

Now for the kid update!!!!!!

Christian is already almost 4 months. Are you kidding me? This time is just flying. Candice is still working her plan to get him back. I pray that she will get him before his first birthday. She loves him. He is so precious... So sweet and his little smile is just entirely charming! Pray for her - pray that she will hang in there and make great choices. More than anything pray that she will join a church and fall deeply in love with her Savior.

Mia is 18 months in two days. Whew. I just can’t even believe that. Tiny. Beautiful. Angel. Has turned into Naughty. Beautiful. Princess. She really is Princess Naughty. What an enchanting gift from the Lord. Oh how I delight in her! The Lord constantly uses her to remind me of His unfailing love for me. After all, I am ADOPTED! I KNOW deeply what it means to adopt. I know deeply what it is to love my adopted daughter. I am His adopted daughter. Wow. It is no wonder why it was such a trial to adopt this little one. I have a deeper understanding of God’s love for me than I ever could have without her. I am blown away because His love for me is even greater - PERFECT - while my love for her is human and imperfect. I cannot really imagine how he fully feels about me. He feels the same way about you. If you are reading this (and have kept reading this far) you can be sure that He loves you with that same perfect love.

Jude is Mr. Naughty. He is not the Original Mr. Naughty - that title still belongs to my beloved firstborn, Jacob. But, he is quickly earning his place in the Hall of Naughties! He is so stinkin’ smart. This child is brilliant. I don’t know exactly what we will do with him, but he is so precious and handsome and frustrating and WONDERFUL! He is my very focused 2 and a half year old. What a gift from the Lord!

Jared is hilarious. This kid just keeps us laughing. Tonight I had tears in my eyes because he made me laugh so hard. He is so spontaneous and yet, so predictable. He is so funny, and yet, so serious. He is just absolutely a mystery to me in many ways. But, his heart is more tender than I can put words to. He still makes me the sweetest cards - and he can draw like nobody’s business! He could be an artist for Disney if he wanted to be. He is just so meticulous and great! What a precious gift from the Lord.

Maddy is full on drama. This girl never quits... She has a fantastic voice, a charming (dimply) smile and she is just beautiful. She could win American Idol at the age of 18 if she wanted to. It will be fun to see where the Lord takes her in life. I know He will use her in so many ways. Her heart is so sweet. Her compassion for others is so strong and her smile - well, I swear it brings healing to my heart. I believe the Lord could use her to bring healing to the sick. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. She is such a gift.

Jacob - talk about a crazy ride! That kiddo is 12 years old and 5’7! He is 3 inches taller than me (at least). He wears a size 13 shoe and he is absolutely the wittiest kid I know. We affectionately call him things like “Sasquatch” and “teenager”. He has gotten out of more things because of his wit than any kid I know. I just love how he makes me laugh. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. I can’t imagine what more I could want from my son. He is a great kid. He is so loyal to me - and so protective. He is such a gift to this momma.

Well, that about wraps it up (a little) for these last few months. I will try to write again when it slows down a bit. In the meantime, if you think of me, pray for us. And let me know how I can pray for you. Believe this one thing: God loves you. God has a plan for you. God created you and knows how to fascinate your heart. It doesn’t always look like we expect it... But He has great things in store for those who love Him. The Bible tells me so. :)

Christian...

So, here is a picture of this precious baby that is shaking things up around here! What a cutie pie!

Whew!

Things have been moving at the speed of light around here! I feel like there is too much to tell... God is so good. That is a good place to begin. We have a house being built (just across the road) and a house for the interim (Praise the Lord for His provision - always!) We have great renters for our home of 8 years. We will officially (we think) make the move to the interim house in about 2 weeks and move to our new house in the middle of June! So, if you call and I don’t call back, or if you email and it takes a while to respond, know that it is not that I have forgotten you... I just am having a hard time staying connected to the people I live with, much less the people in “cyberspace”.

I am back at work full time. My heart aches and rejoices at the same time to say that. I have needed to step back in for a short time to prepare to sell the business. God did amazing things for us by giving us the business, and we feel like we should leave it in as good of condition as we found it. So, I rejoice to be obedient. But, I must be honest, my heart aches missing my babies each day. I cried when I thought they had come to visit me at the center and then realized it was another car that just looked like the car they would be in. Then I cried fifteen minutes later when they did pull up! They are so much of my heart. I know they are in wonderful hands. Our Miss Cole has been a breath of fresh air. It has changed the dynamic of our household tremendously to have her here - in a great way! I finally (almost) have enough hands to get everything done that needs to be done. I feel like the Lord’s timing was nothing short of a miracle for me. But, my heart - though desperate to be constantly filled with joy - has found this act of obedience to be one of the hardest ones ever. I see what it does to my boy to not have me around all day. I see what it does to my girl to only see her a few hours a day and it is almost more than my heart can take. And Christian, that is an entirely different story. I was barely getting to know him when I had to be pulled away from him for many hours each day. He needs to see me and know me as mom until Candice can be that for him. That is hard to do when I have such a small amount of time to divide between my husband and all 6 children. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life.

But, through all of these things... I can clearly see God’s hand. I see how He heard me when I asked Him - a little sad - on the way to work to find us a place to live because I didn’t have time. Twenty minutes later He had the whole thing worked out. I see how He heard me when I asked for help at the daycare to get things back in order - right under my nose were the answers I was waiting for. I see how He hears me when I ask Him to help my kiddos hang in there until I am able to “just” be mommy again.

My friends have experienced great losses recently. A dear friend of mine lost her brother. He was a daddy, an uncle, a brother, a son, a husband, and so much more... How do you hear of that and not long for eternity to come? I want to be desperate to help my friends see what they are missing if they are missing Jesus - and yet, the dailies get me every time. I get focused more on what has to be done today than I do focus on what things I do today that will make a mark for eternity. I saw a girls shirt that had a small girl with hands folded and it simply said, “Jesus, please come back.” I wanted to cry right then. Yes and Amen. Jesus - how we need you. How our friends and family need you. Reveal yourself Jesus. Reveal the way that you love us - give us eyes to see how you want abundance for us. I am saddened by the ways that we exchange the abundance Christ offers for the extremely temporary pleasures of today. Why would we exchange gold for dung? Would we really do that? Would we really take the beautiful, precious things that God has given to us and trade them for the foul smelling, rotting things that the world has to offer? The answer is that I do it every day, and I watch my friends do it without being able to find the words to convince them not to. Oh Jesus we need you to step in and help us. Spirit come move in our hearts to help us move toward the things that you desire and away from the things that will lead us to a temporary pleasure and an eternal regret.

Above all things I can tell you that God is faithful. His love never fails. His Word is Truth. His plan for me (and my family) is good. His Sovereignty doesn’t end. He is not caught off guard. He has asked me to work in everything as if I am working for Him. That is my desire. I want the Joy of the Lord to be my strength. I sure need His strength. Mine isn’t holding out. He has provided so well. He has heard me. How satisfying to walk in the place that He has marked out for me. Now to just give up the things that pull my heart away from the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. God help me to prioritize. Help me to rest in You. Help me to know you are hearing me and always acting in my best interest. Thank you for adopting me. Thank you for choosing me. That is a staggering thought, knowing that you KNEW me. You made me, and you chose me anyway. What kind of love is this?

The changing of seasons...

I always think it is beautiful how Winter melts into Spring. This year we are getting to see it, even in Texas! Ha, that is if it will ever really melt away. I love it. I love Spring. I love it when the bright green blades of grass dare to poke through the hardened dried up dead grass. I love it when the sun comes out and peeks through on a cool day, and reminds me that no matter how cloudy a day is, if the Lord tells the sun to break through, it will.

We have found some amazing people to rent our house. The Lord is so good. I fell in love with them as they walked with me through the house. It was my delight that they fell in love with our house too. It is a great house! The season is changing alright.

I am meeting with a few different people about the business this week. Wow. What a crazy month. Tomorrow, Christian will be 3 weeks old. We have really had some interesting things happen this month. I realized as I was listening to a sermon about Believing God (I can't remember the man's name that was teaching, but he was broadcasting from India), I realized that we were in a bit of a situation like Abram. God told him to go. He told him to go to a place He would tell him about. That is us. We felt certain that we were to put the house on the market. We have renters. We now are headed to a place that we are waiting to see exactly where it is. He told us to sell the business. We are meeting with people to sell the business to, but we don't know who they are (yet), and we don't know what we will do afterwards. He is simply telling us to move on. He is reminding us that He is the God who is in control - with a captial "C". He made all of creation. He knows what is best, and He wants what is good for us. That is the part I find that the enemy wants to steal away. He doesn't want us to remember that God has good intentions towards us. But, Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. That is the God I serve. He has good plans for us. Prosper may not mean financially - but it is so clear that it means better... in His way, whatever that looks like, it is better. He wants to give us hope. I haven't dared let my heart hope for some things in a very long time. I had forgotten how to believe for something I didn't yet have - or something that my circumstances weren't directly pointing to. Bummer. I thought for a while I believed God, really believed Him for things. I did believe Him for Mia. No doubt. I knew that He had the situation entirely taken care of. But, for all of these other things... my hope was not in a person (Jesus), it was in the thing.... the thing that I hoped about. I have a hope. My hope is in Christ. It is one thing to say it, and another entirely to mean it. My hope is not in what Christ has yet for me, it is in what Christ has already given me. My eternity is sealed - forever - and cannot be taken from me. My hope is that I will dwell in the presence of God for all of eternity. And this hope cannot be shaken. This truth cannot be taken from me. Wow.

I believe that He has a promised land for me here on this earth. I believe that if I will believe Him, I could learn a lesson from those who have gone before and enter that land - here on earth. Only by His grace will I have belief like that. Only by His mercy could that not be taken from me. I am asking Him that I would truly love Him wholeheartedly. I am asking Him that I would truly hope in just one thing... in one amazing man, Jesus Christ. He is my hope of glory. He is my righteousness.

Anyway, the seasons are changing for the Simmons'. I feel a fresh wind blowing in, much like that in Mary Poppins, only, this wind is ushering in the very things of God. The God who is at work all around us. We are getting to watch His hands move all around us. That is a season worth celebrating. The uncertainties are really few... though they seem like many, simply because He is never uncertain. He is always doing the right thing, and He is the One who has begun a work. Bring it to completion, Lord. Finish the work you have begun in us. Let us believe you, let us trust you and let us bring you much glory!

Everything changes but God stays the same!

The last several days have been full of emotion for me. Our Birthmother, Candice, delivered a very healthy, very precious baby boy on February the 8th. Candice has drastically changed her lifestyle over the last 5 months and has made every decision in the last two months with regard to the precious little boy growing inside of her. She hasn't missed any doctor's appointments, or wic appointments, or probation appointments. Candice is a new lady. She has completely changed her thinking. She has been doing so well. On February 10th, just minutes before she was supposed to be discharged from the hospital, CPS told Candice that she couldn't take the baby home. They were even telling her that she might not get a chance to find a family for him to go with. That is when we called our adoption agency and Kim came to the rescue! She was literally driving right by the hospital when I called her and she was in the room in less than 2 minutes. Praise God for His timing and His plan. She came in and helped us work out a much better situation. Ken and I were allowed to take Christian home with us and we - because it is all through our adoption agency - are allowed to let Candice see him anytime we want. I just have to be there with them. This was a sweet gift from the Lord. But, I don't think I have to tell you how devastated Candice is. She was so prepared, so ready to begin being a mommy. She has been looking forward to the day she would get to take him home for so long. And, here again she sits with no baby in her arms. However, I am CONVINCED that she will get to raise this little boy. I believe with my whole heart that she is going to work out whatever plan they create for her and take him home and be his mommy. In the meantime, Ken and I have much praying to do. We have many things to consider, and we have a lot of other things on our plate as well. I know that none of this is a surprise to God. I know that He knows every day of Christian's life. I know that He knows exactly when Candice will get to really start being his mommy. In the meantime, I will be taking him to see her several times a week and begging the Lord for favor on her behalf with CPS. Please pray for us all. Please please pray that on Tuesday morning when we meet for them to set her plan, that they will shorten the time they have been saying. They are telling Candice that it could be a year before she could bring him home. That just breaks my heart. He needs her. She wants so badly to parent him. My heart is just aching for both of them. I am praying for a drastic change in their plan, and I am asking the Lord that he be able to go home with her by April 19th - her birthday. Please pray with us for victory in this. I believe it is a battle happening in the heavenlies. Either way, Candice has said that she will fight for him no matter how long it takes. 3 months, 6 months, a year... it doesn't matter. She is ready to be his momma whenever they will let her - no matter what they require of her. So, thank you for your prayers for her. Pray for us too. We need wisdom to know what it is exactly that the Lord desires from us. Pray we will hear Him so clearly. Pray that we will have the strength to do whatever He asks. Thank you for walking through this with us. What a blessing to have friends that will lift up our family and our precious Candice at this time.