A day for remembering...

16 years ago at 5:43pm I became a mommy.

It was a moment unlike any other in my life.  I had no idea what the years would hold for us.  I had no idea how short my time with him would be.  15 years, 5 months, 25 days.  And every one of those moments was established for him before one came to be.

God chose me to carry that boy.  What a gift.

Today I have cried my eyes out.  I have literally sobbed.  I have just let it all be what it is.  I miss him.  My heart aches through and through.  I carried him 9 months inside of me.  I watched him grow for 15 years, and now... until my precious Savior sees fit to take me home, I will carry him only in my heart.  I will laugh at the memories I have of that boy-man all grown up.  I will treasure the things he said to me and about me.  I will be filled with joy because I know he is in the presence of my God with no more color-blindness and no tears.

I watched God provide for me today.  Opportunities to cry.  Opportunities to laugh.  Opportunities to reflect.  Arms for me to cry in.  People to pray over me.  God knows every need we have before we ask it.  And He is Faithful.

I don't have many words tonight.  But, I want to share something sacred with you.  I had no idea on February 1 as I started a new journal what pain was just a few days away.  But, my God did.  And He was preparing me.  This is my un-edited journal entry from February 1, 2013.  Just 4 days before my boy left earth to receive His welcome to the arms of Christ.  I am astonished every time I read it.  My God cares for me - He sees me, He knows me and He loves me so deeply.  I pray that this encourages your heart even if in just a small way...

February 1, 2013

Though I know not what all will happen through the pages of this journal - one thing I am certain of is this:

My God is always faithful.

This year may catch me off guard in circumstance after circumstance - but it will not catch my God off guard.  He will not be shaken. Ever.

Sweet Lord, please fill my mind with Truth and Life as I seek you in this place.  Please let me honor you in all that I do and say.  Help me to capture my thoughts and make them obedient to you always.  Let not my will be my own.  Let my heart be thoroughly bent towards your way and your Truth.  Jesus- help me to be so near with you.  

Isaiah 41:13

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear, Christy, I will help you."

~ end of journal entry

God moved my heart to fill my name in that Scripture.  He knew that I would need to hold His hand tightly in the coming days and months.  He knows me so perfectly.  I even started a blog post that day that I never published.  The Title was "wrecked".  I haven't been able to finish it yet... just not yet.  

Tonight as I go to sleep I am going to go praising my God for my boy.  Praising my God for my precious children that I have the blessed privilege of tucking in bed each night.  Tonight, I remember that God is faithful - and He is never caught off guard.  Not only that - He prepares the way for me to walk.  What a sweet God.  

Trust, Shame and other such ramblings...

Life is choices.

I saw this on a shirt when I was walking the breast cancer 3-day event a few years back.  It reached up and grabbed a hold of my heart.  It choked me for a minute.  I thought to myself... Thanks for wearing that shirt, buddy.  As if I didn’t have enough to think about right now. 

But seriously.  Life is made up of one choice after another.  Life really IS choices.  Sometimes I wish I had the creativity to write a script that could capture this a little bit.  One story line - primarily the same, but with two or three different seemingly inconsequential choices that dramatically effect the future outcome.  Not so that we can get bogged down, with every choice being heavier than it is supposed to be.  Ice cream after dinner, or a brownie?  I mean, really either way - you win!  I also don’t want to minimize the Sovereignty and ability of God to take our foolish choices and make something great out of them.

This struck me as I was listening again to the story of Abraham and Isaac.  As the pastor recounted Abram’s (later Abraham’s) life story a little, he brought out the fact that it was over 13 years from when Abram and Sarai were promised by God to have a son until they conceived a son.  Can you imagine?  I can’t.  Month after month wondering if this is the month of the promised child.  God after all is faithful.  God said it, He would do it.  Oh man.  How many times a week do I doubt this in my life?  It comes down to trusting God - to taking Him fully at His Word - even when it seems like He is long in fulfilling that promise.   I noticed for the first time as I re-read it, that I didn’t see a time frame from when God told Abram he would have many decedents and when Sarai “gave him” Hagar to sleep with so that a child could be born.  Then, after Hagar has that son, it seems as if Abram just assumes that Ishmael is the promised son.  It does not SAY this, so please understand that I am just uncertain of what that time looked like.  I know that Abram loved Ishmael from the text that follows - and that Abram asks God if He would bless Ishmael.  The Bible doesn’t speak much to what happened in the years after Ishmael is born.  But, it says this - 13 years after Ishmael is born, God appears again to Abram.  This time, God says, “I am God Almighty.  Walk before me and be blameless...”  God goes on to tell him that Isaac will be the son of the promise...  A son born to Sarah.  More than 13 years pass from the time the promise is made to the time Sarah conceives.  It makes sense to me that they went about it their own way.  Okay, Sarah is barren, so if God said that the son would come from Abram’s body, then Abram must need to hook up with someone else.  He was younger than 86 when God shows up and promises him a son from his own body.  He was 99 when the promised son was conceived.  I can completely understand their “rationalizing” that Hagar must be the answer.  But, immediately from the time Hagar conceives there is trouble in the household.  Trouble that comes as a consequence of figuring it out on their own - and not trusting that God had meant what He said, and He meant it for Abram and Sarai - not anyone else.  And, what does God say to Abram?  He doesn’t say, “you will be condemned for doing it your own way.”  or  “I am removing my blessing from you and your family.”  He says, “I am God Almighty.  Walk before me and be blameless.”  Whew.  Sit on that for a minute.  It’s like He is reminding Abram who He is.  And then, He calls Him to faith and obedience.

I know personally that the enemy always convinces me that I didn’t hear correctly - or that I can figure out a better plan myself.  “Well”, I think, “God didn’t mean that...”  And bam!  I’m back in the garden with Eve saying that we can’t even touch the tree or we will die.  Adding or subtracting from what God said.  Oh how badly we need to be rescued from these minds that tasted the fruit and now have the knowledge of good and evil!  Yuck!  Most of the time, I don’t even know that I am doing it...  that I am leaning on my “knowledge”  instead of waiting and leaning on the wisdom of an all powerful God. 
I for one moment would love to go back to Eden... “naked and unashamed”.  I could stop and make a ton of naked jokes, but to keep it serious for a minute, what in the world would it feel like to be unashamed? 

Think of it.  Really? 

Un-ashamed. 

What would that be like?  To not carry around shame for our fallenness.  To not feel shame over our choices that were less than glorious.  Shame for what we have done.  Shame for what has been done to us.  Shame for what we think we should have done and didn’t.  Shame for making that simple mistake.  Shame for the way our kids behave when new people come over for dinner.  Shame for the way we look when we gain weight.  Shame for the way we laugh.  Shame for the way we are too shy.  Shame for the way we are too outspoken.  Shame for the words we spoke, but shouldn’t have....  Geez.  How long could this list be?  I promise you it could go on for seemingly endless days. 

In “Cry of the Soul” by Dan Allendar and Tremper, he says this about shame...

“Shame is an exposure of our idolatry...  We are exposed in our foolish trust in ourselves when we are shamed because we spilled a drink on our lap, because a chid makes poor grades...  But shame is also a great gift.  It can reveal sin and draw forth desire.  If we honor shame as a severe mercy that can lead us to the wonder and wholeness of worship, then we need not fear (unto death) what will be drawn forth in the staggering moment of exposure.  We can face shame as an invitation to look into the eyes of the One who does not condemn  but instead, He offers grace, forgiveness and freedom.”

Could it really be that we feel shame most of the time because we have put our trust, our faith, our worth in ourselves - and we have found that we are not worthy of that worship?  I can certainly see how it is my pride that leads me to shame.  I loved the line “the staggering moment of exposure.”  We are exposed - naked and exposed.  It is as if I expect myself to be perfect in every way - without faults or blunders.  Without messing up.  Seriously, no one is like that.  Everybody screws up.  Everybody sins.  For Heaven’s sake, that is why we NEED a Savior.  We couldn’t do it on our own...  But, shame comes strong when that realization hits us in front of other people.  We so desire to be self sufficient, knowledgable and powerful.  We love the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  We did taste of that fruit, through Adam and Eve... And our eyes were “opened”.   How absolutely ironic that the moment our eyes were opened we became truly blind.   It makes me sad to understand that I, like Sarai, often have a back up plan for God - to make what He has said more easily understood.  “Well, it just makes sense that God meant....”  And off I go trusting in myself instead of my faithful God.  And, there are always consequences to that.  Always. 

Romans 8:28 promises us (who love God) that God can work it all together for our good.  He can take even our biggest mistakes and turn them into something glorious.  Only He can do that.  But, we will still face consequences from the choices that we make because we are not trusting Him - we don’t really believe that He has our best interest at heart.  We believe instead that He is holding out on us.  That He couldn’t possibly be loving and all powerful and at the same time allow the world to be what it has become.  We are relying on our knowledge - which is limited - to explain His infinite knowledge that is limitless and beyond understanding.  We trust then, in what we see - instead of what is real beyond our sight.   Faith does not make sense.  It is not containable or explainable.  Faith is believing in that which you cannot see.  I cannot see the wind, and yet, I know that it exists.  I cannot see the pull of gravity - and yet, I have merely to jump up to see it is real.   I long to have the faith that stands firm - even when everything else is shaking.  I want the faith to remember that God sees me - all of me - and knows what is best for my life.  His vision is not blurry.  He has the whole picture and He is not withholding any good thing from me. 

Offended by God

Have you ever been offended by God? 

Sometimes things don't go the way we planned.  We see in such a finite way.  Our eyes weren't meant to observe everything.  Imagine for a second the most horrifying 3 things you have ever seen.  Now, think if you saw all the horror on the earth all the time.  Think if you couldn't turn away or not see... 

We weren't built to withstand that.  We are finite.  We do not see as God sees. We just don't.

Certainly all of us at one time have been offended by God.  Certainly you have.  And, it is so plain to my eyes that I have been so recently, and so deeply offended.  There are times that my Spirit cries out as Jeremiah...
"O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed..."  and then, like Jeremiah, in my next breath, I say, "But  the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior..."

David was offended by God too. 

Psalm 13:1-2 has him crying out, "How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" 

He FELT neglected.  He FELT abandoned.  He felt sorrow - deeply.  But, even in the very next breath he says, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart REJOICES in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."  (Psalm 13:5-6)

You see, I believe that the Lord is not the one sending calamity.  Look what His word says in Psalm 11:3-5, "When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?  The Lord is in His holy temple; the Lord is on His heavenly throne.  He observes all the sons of men; His eyes examine them.  The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence His soul hates."

He is altogether Holy.  Friends, His soul hates wickedness, violence, depravity...  the word "hate" here literally means hate or enemy...  He is an enemy of wickedness.  He does not delight in our sorrow.  He does not take joy when it seems that wickedness prevails against us.  His Word is also clear that He will not leave us or forsake us. (Psalm 27:10, Heb 13:5)  His Word is clear that He delights to shower good things on His children.  (James 1:17)  It also says that He stands ready to defend us.  Luke 18:7.  He is a good God.  He is full of mercy.  He is compassionate.  Slow to anger and abounding in Love.  He is altogether righteous.  No matter what our circumstance.  No matter what we are feeling.  He is incapable of being faithless.  Read 2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."  He literally cannot be unfaithful.  It is against His character. 

You see, every day we CHOOSE what we believe.  We choose.  Our circumstances do not make Him less than who He is.  That is like saying if you declare it adamantly enough you can change the color of your eyes from brown to blue.  Just because you declare that your eye color is blue does not change the reality that they are brown.  You can put in fake lenses that make your eyes appear blue - but you cannot change the actual color of your eyes from brown to blue.  You can DISTORT reality - but you cannot change it.   We can believe whatever we want about God, but I assure you it does not change who He is by one iota.  So, every day I will CHOOSE to believe that He is fully who He says He is.  I will CHOOSE to believe that I am who He says I am.  I CHOOSE to believe that His Word is true - and that when it doesn't make sense to me, it is because I do not see as He sees.  I do not think as He thinks.  I will choose to be offended for a fleeting moment - and then, press in closer, press in to take Him at His Word.  He can handle my anger.  He can handle my grief.  He can handle my misunderstanding.  It does not change Him.  But, He longs to comfort me - if I will only allow Him near enough to do so.  He longs to wrap me underneath His great big wings and offer me rest if only I will be still enough.

He beckons to me, "Be still and know that I am God."  "Come to me, you who are weary, and I will give you rest."  Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with His feathers,  He will shelter you with His wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection."   

I will go to Him.  I will be comforted by Him.  I will find rest in Him.  I will find rest.  I have found peace.  I have found life.  I have found Him faithful and true.  He has my whole heart. 

This morning my heart was ripped in two once again.  I miss my boy so much.  Oh my heart aches without him.  I miss his smile.  I miss his laugh.  I miss his big feet.  I miss his quick humor.  I miss his texts to me throughout the day - the way he invited me, daily, into his life - even the seemingly insignificant parts.  They no longer seem small to me.  His death has given significance to the insignificance.  I miss the way he knew the words to every song.  I miss the way he couldn't hold still when there was any kind of a beat.  He tapped all the time.  I miss it all.  I miss it more than my words can portray on this page.  I am grieved to the deepest places that as long as I am on the earth - I am here without him.  But, one day - one day soon we will live together forever in the presence of the Most High God.  We will worship and work and laugh and sing.  We will no longer hurt or hurt each other.  We will be one in Spirit and in perfect unity.  We will love without pain.  We will love forever without end.  We will enjoy fellowship with the King of Kings and for all of eternity - we will rejoice.  This is the hope that I have every single day.  He is already experiencing this fellowship with my mom, and with some of his great-grandparents who went before him.  Most importantly, he is experiencing sweet fellowship with the Father.  He lacks nothing.  He has no burden, no pain, no grief in his heart.  What a gift to this momma - to know that he is so free.

I will still cry.  I will still grieve.  I will still miss him.  I will still fall on my knees and tell the Father that I am mad that He has allowed me to be pained in this way - and then I will get up and praise Him because His plan is right.  I will stand with my arms high and tell Him that He alone is worthy of all my suffering.  I will thank Him for the gift of being Jacob's mom.  I will thank Him for the privilege to suffer for His sake.  I will love Him with all of my heart.  I will praise Him with all that is within me.  I will go forward, and I will tell Him over and over that He is worth it all.

May God go before you today.  May He hem you in behind.  May He hold you in His big loving hands - and remind you that He loves you enough to give His Son - His precious, only son - for you to know Him and to be with Him forever - if you will just believe.   

The simple truth

I cannot believe that we have been a month without our Jacob.  Wow.  Part of me says, "wasn't it just yesterday that he was wrapping his arms around me?" and part of me feels as though it was years ago that I heard his voice calling me "mommy."

He did that - even at 15 years old - even in front of his friends - really everywhere.  I love that he still called me mommy.  He would tell his friends on xbox that he had to go because 'his mommy was asking for his help'.  The ways he showed love to me spoke so deeply to my heart. 

Well, I wanted to share something with you.  It is dear to my heart indeed.

Jacob was full of joy.  Jacob was full of encouragement and hope.  Many of you already know this.  Many of you saw this every day at school - or at church.  He was kind and gentle.  He had a servant's heart and was just overall a wonderful young man.  There is a reason.  You see, Jake knew that he messed up every day.  He knew that I messed up every day.  He knew that the earth is full of broken people.  He knew that we were no exception.  But, he knew something deeper... something far more important.

He knew that God loved him, God loved us anyway. 

Right in the middle of his brokenness.  Right in the middle of our family's brokenness, he knew that God saw us and He loved us.  He had provided a way for us to be healed.  God didn't wait on us to fix ourselves, or clean ourselves up.  God knew before we ever took a breath that we would not be able to live in a way that was pleasing on our own.  And God had a plan to help us - to give us an opportunity to be with Him forever anyway.  You see, when God created us - the human race - He created us to live among us - with us.  He wanted to walk with us - in all of His perfection and Holiness, He desired fellowship with us.  It is staggering really to think about.

When sin entered the world, He had to remove Himself from us.  He is altogether Holy.  He cannot be in the presence of our sin.  And it grieved His Spirit.  So, He made a way - through Jesus Christ.  He said that a Son would be born to us - a Savior that would come to earth to redeem us (Luke 1:31-38; 2:8-20).  His precious Son came as a baby - lived a perfect life - and died because I am sinful, because Jake was sinful, because you are sinful.  He took on my sin - He took on the sin of the whole world.  He took our shame upon Himself so that I could spend eternity in a real place called Heaven if I only confess that I am sinful and need His salvation.  John 3:16-17 says this, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."     

Right now many people are asking why my Jacob died.  They want autopsy results to reveal the "problem".  They want reasons.  Inconclusive is not good enough.  I understand that.  But, for me, it is more precious that it is a mystery to us.  I believe with all of my heart that God took him - much like Enoch.  God walked beside him and delighted in him.  And, on February 5th, 2013 at 2:00pm, it was time for him to go home - to walk with God.
Jake's work here was completed.
He had accomplished all that God had intended for him.

He had lived life well.  That is why it hurts so badly for us.  He was an amazing man of God.  His friends told me that at camp they called him Mac.  At first, I didn't like the sound of that - and then they helped me understand that it stood for Man After Christ.  Wow.  What an endorsement!  Nothing greater can be said about anyone.

He was at school, he was playing dodgeball, and then he collapsed.  I believe that his spirit was gone before his body hit the ground.  I believe that he was in the presence of Jesus before he fell.  The coaches did everything correctly.  They tried with all of their might to bring my boy back.  They did everything they could.  But, he was already in the presence of Jesus giving glory to the One that deserves it all- why would he want to leave that to come back here?

I cannot grieve the same way that others grieve.  Don't misunderstand me...  I grieve.  I mourn from the depths of my soul.  I MISS MY BOY!!!  He was an honor and a blessing to me every single day.  Hear me... every. single. day.  But, he is with my Jesus.  He no longer has any burden to carry.  I am mourning the times I thought I had ahead of us with him.  Graduation.  Marriage.  Grandkids.

In a moment the other afternoon, I was at home all by myself.  The house was so quiet.  I was playing worship music and a song came on that says, "I am leaning on you Jesus, with all my longing laid before you now.  And all I'm needing is you Jesus, and all my wanting is satisfied somehow.  There is no higher worth in all the earth but to love you, how I love you.  No greater call, no life at all but to love you... How I love you."  Later on it says, "How I love you... love you, Jesus, Jesus.  How I love you, love you... Jesus - oh how I love you, I love you."
It was at that moment in the song that I fell to the ground.
Knees hitting hard.
Tears falling hard.
Crying out - singing from the depths of my soul that I did love Him - though, I could not honestly sing that all of my wanting was satisfied.  In that moment, in that very real moment with my God... I told Him that I want my boy - and though I want to be fully satisfied, I was not...  and I was struggling to love Him.  In that moment He looked on me with compassion.  He knelt down beside me and He lifted my face.  He loved that I was honest before Him.  He loved that I - in my humanness, in my brokenness... was still desperately trying to love Him with all that I have.  It was enough for my King.  It was enough. 

My heart does grieve.  I assure you.  But, my heart does not grieve without hope.
I am praying - begging the Lord that if any one of you reading this doesn't understand this hope - this peace that I have ~ to the deep places in my heart and my soul ~ that you reach out to me or to someone you know that has placed all of their hope in Jesus.  Ask me anything you want... I want to share the hope that Jacob had.  The hope that I have.  Our goodbye is only temporary.  I will get to be reunited with my Jake one day.  I will get to stand in the Holy presence of my Jesus - right beside my precious boy and my beautiful momma.  And we will no longer hurt or cry or have pain.  We will be healed.  Completely restored to the glory that God intended for us in the very beginning of time.   

God saw me in my sin.  He loved me anyway.  He did not withhold His Son from me.  My salvation cost the God of the Universe - the Creator of all things - His one and only Son.  How dare I try and withhold my Son from Him?  You see, God is allowing me to share in suffering unlike anything I have ever known.  He is allowing me to understand how costly my salvation was.  It is beautiful.   Friends, the pain of losing a son...  the ache in my heart, the tears in the night, the longing for Jesus to come now... it is all very real.  But, if God chooses to use my boy's life to bring many to Himself - then I want to have a heart that blesses His name in that.  I long to be wholehearted in my devotion to my God.  He is worthy.  He is ever faithful and true and worthy!  He did not withhold anything from me.  So, today I rest in the love of my Most High God.  The Almighty One.  I rest in the peace that He brings to my spirit as I come to Him in my grief.  Oh please - find your hope in Jesus.  Find your hope in the One that will satisfy every longing of your heart if you will just surrender your heart to Him. 

2 weeks, 1 day and 4 hours ago...

There are no words to describe the actual battle that is taking place in my heart this morning. Just a day over 2 weeks ago, on a morning much like this one, I woke that big man-boy up telling him over and over he was gonna be late if he didn't get out of bed.  He was in a real hurry, so we didn't even do our morning "good-bye Jacob" routine.  I was supposed to make him waffles.  I forgot.  So, an hour later, I texted him telling him I was sorry for forgetting.  He replied, "It's fine mom!!!"  Ha.  He always said that.  Or, "It's okay mom."  or my very favorite, "Calm down mom."  Ha!  He would text that to me in the middle of the day.  I would be working and get a random text that told me, "Calm down mom."  He always knew how to make me laugh.  He brought me a smile throughout every day with random texts and the way that he invited me in to his life.  It is rare that a boy, 15 years old, invites his mom to know about his school day - or his Bible study - or anything really.  But, he shared so much with me.  What a blessing.  What a gift.   

Reading my last post - about my brave little girl and how she belongs to my God... Knowing with all of my heart that God has purpose much greater than I can imagine in all that has taken place... it is still so hard for this momma heart in me to believe it is real.

My boy.
My 15 year old son...
My first born...

Well, he is resting - free from sin and pain and burdens. He is in Heaven with my Jesus, and my momma.

But, yet I am here. I am hurting to the depth of my soul this morning. As my body is racked with pain and my soul is crying out to God Most High for comfort... I am telling my God that He is worthy.
He alone is worthy!!

You see, when I said that all of my children are on loan from Him - I meant it from a deep place in my soul. He gave my son breath. He gave him life. He knit him together in my womb. That precious boy grew inside of me, and it was my joy to raise him.

It was my joy.

He honored me in a way that didn't make sense. That precious boy... but he had completed all the tasks he was assigned here. He walked in a way that spread joy and kindness. He always had a kind word. He had a quick smile - and a protective big brother heart. We are grieving the loss of much more than just a boy. He was a son - an amazing son. He was a brother... such a tender-hearted brother. He was such a source of strength for me. Yes, this morning, my pain is very real. My heart is torn - and there is a place inside of me that is just ready for my Savior to come and rescue me. I am ready to be taken from this world of pain and sorrow. That was what I said as I sat there next to his lifeless body.  I am so jealous.  You beat me - you are in the presence of Jesus before me!!  I hope he could look down and see my fit.  He would have laughed at me and said, "Calm down mom."

And this morning, we are in Houston - having an MRI done for Mia.  Normally, I don't think it would have bothered me much.  But, I recognized the fear in my heart as they took my little girl back.  She fought sedation (which is normal), but it shook me up.  I didn't like to watch her like that.  It stirred fear in my heart.  What if the enemy has asked to steal her from me too?  What if I just signed papers and something goes wrong... and then it is my fault...  Oh we have a very sly enemy.

Her life, her precious little life is not in my hands -nor is it in the hands of my clever enemy.  I can not make any decision regarding how long her time on this earth is.  If my son has taught me anything through this - it is that his time, his life, was always completely out of my hands.  And, it is the same with my precious daughters and sons at home.  They belong to my God.  He created them... knit them together... and then gave them to me as gifts on loan.  I love to be a momma.  I really love it.

I guess, because this is long, I will wrap it up... God is worthy.  He alone is worthy of the pain in my heart.  He holds every tear of mine in a bottle.  He does not delight in my grieving.  He grieves with me.  He has provided many friends and family to grieve with me as well.  But, life does go on.  It has to go forward.  And, as we put one foot in front of the other, I am comforted by the truth that my God is walking both before me and behind me.  He is going to stay right beside me through all of this.  He will be my strength and my shield.  My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.  

Brave little one...

I suppose it is time that I share publicly that we have no shortage of trials right now.  But, I would be remiss to omit that I am NOT losing heart.  God is so very faithful.  You see, my circumstances don't get to dictate if that is true or not.  That is true, it is up to me whether or not I want to believe it. 

We had to take Mia to the ER a few weeks ago for a seizure.  It was very minor.  She felt it coming on - and she was such a brave girl.  We had a CT scan done, and they had great news - there is nothing in her brain (no tumors or growths) that are causing her to have seizures.  We scheduled an EEG the next week for more extensive testing.  She was such a good girl.  She did everything the nurse asked her to do.  I am so proud of her - she was nervous, but she wasn't showing it in outward ways.    This was her second seizure.  In four years, 2 seizures is a very small number.   I noticed during this EEG test, when she was blowing the pin wheel, she stopped blowing and looked very blank.  It occurred to me that she couldn't do it anymore, but then she "came to" again and continued to blow.  Her results came back showing there was an abnormality in relation to the hyperventilation test.   When my doctor called me, I wasn't shocked, but I was sad.  As a mommy, I want to protect my kids from everything that is hard.  But, that isn't what God has asked of me.  I do not get to keep them from the hard parts of life.  I get to teach them how to navigate those hard things.   We will go to a neurologist this next Thursday to get a better explanation and create a plan to make sure she gets everything she needs. 

I have no words to describe the depth of love in my heart for my daughter. 

All of my children are treasures from Heaven.  I am honored to be their mom.  I am blessed beyond measure.  And, I say with full assurance that my God loves them all more than I do.  I know with all of my heart that this is true. 

He knit my Mia together.  There is nothing hidden from Him.  That includes the way her body operates.  He sees and knows it all.  The peace I have in my heart knowing that her life is not in my hands, or the hands of any person is beyond comprehension.  Her life is now, and has always been in the hands of my Faithful God.  The creator of the Universe.  He is fully able to restore her.  And, He adores her.  I do not know if she will need any medication, now or ever.  I do not know what things we will need to adjust or what things we will need to monitor more closely.  I know that epilepsy can most times be fairly well controlled with medicines. 

But, just having this come up stirs something deeper inside of me.  None of us are guaranteed health.  None of us are guaranteed life this day or the next.  None of us.  We do not control what comes into our lives on a grand scale.  We can only choose how to respond when things come up.  I want to respond with full out trust of my God.  I want to wholeheartedly respond with worship.  Because, I also know that He has every right to take any of my children home with Him at any time.  They are all on loan to me from Him.  It is my job to raise them, protect them from harm, and teach them to honor Him with their lives.  But, I have no control.  I do not get to choose which battles they will have to fight in this life, and I certainly can't control the choices they make as those battles come.  I simply have the privilege to teach them what His Word says is best.  I have the honor of relaying His faithfulness to them each day, whatever may come.  I trust Him.

Hear me when I say I trust Him.  With all of our lives, with everything in our lives.  He will not fail us.  He will not let us down.  He works everything together for our good.  Everything.  So, as you think of us... as you see that picture of my brave little girl, please pray that we will have opportunities to love on other people who are struggling through hard times.  Please pray that we will rightly reflect the power and love of God to us - so that others may find the peace that passes understanding in their own hearts as well.  We have a gift in this.  We have a gift to share with others.  I know that God will provide everything we need to get through this just like every other thing that comes into our lives that we didn't ask for.   

Unexpected times of rest...

Today, I feel like poop.  I have the flu.  Stupid flu.

Seriously, I am such a baby when I don’t feel good.  I really just want my mommy, if I am honest. 

But, it affords me the opportunity to sit - snuggled in my very soft blankie with a fire in the fireplace and read and write.  So, in that - there is beauty.  Great beauty, actually.  This is one of my favorite things to do... and the weather is perfect for it!  Again I am so thankful for my job - and the grace I am given to be able to be home when I need rest.

I am struck today by the vastness of God’s understanding.  His ways are so far beyond my own.  I believe that He crafted each on of us - and therefore He knows us full well.  He sees every good thought - and every wicked one.  He sees every act of kindness, and every selfish one.  Nothing in all of creation is hidden from His sight.  That stirs in me two different emotions.  Fear - because I don’t even know my own heart half the time, and peace, because He saw me just as I am - and He chose me anyway. 

Misty Edwards sings it in a song like this, as if God were singing over you: “I knew what I was getting into when I chose you.  I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, and I said it just the same... I knew what I was getting into when I chose you - and I am not shocked by your weakness, I am not shocked even by your sin...  I am not shocked by your brokenness...” 

I love the truth of those words.  Nothing I do or say or think catches Him off guard.  Nothing is beyond His ability to heal and redeem.  Nothing is out of His capable hands.  Nothing.  It is staggering for me to think that He is not limited  - because I have so many limitations.  I recognize now, more than ever the weakness of my flesh.  I see the pull constantly to take my life in my own hands.  I am just thankful that - He - even though He sees it too, still calls me His beloved.  His beauty, His delight. 

Truly, He fulfills the deepest longings in my heart.  He wants to fill your heart too.  He wants to prove Himself to you.  He is fully capable.  I think of that every day as I look at some things going on in my life.  He is absolutely able - and limited by nothing.  He created me with passion and dreams and He didn’t do that to torture me.  He did that because He wants to watch me unwrap them in His timing.  It is the same for you.  Geez, His timing is strange to me.  But, He knows everything.  He knows how one thing will affect another all the way down through time.  He sees it all - and He knows if what you are asking is good for you or not.  He knows if your heart is ready for the responsibility of that thing you desire.  Psalm 84:11 says this, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

He is not holding out on you as you think He is.  That is a lie from the very pit of Hell.  He just fully knows what is good - and what is not.  I have found myself asking Him for a lot of things lately.  But, quickly following it up with - “Lord help me to want what is best - not only what I think is best.”  I trust Him.  More now than at any other time in my life.  I have no concern that He will turn His back on me - even in the most desperate of times.  He is trustworthy and true. 

I look at the suffering in the world - and though I am not surprised - He told us of the days that are coming... I am saddened at how far His church is from being the instrument of healing He intended it to be.  He says the world should know us by our love one for another, and yet, I think if we are honest, we could say that the world knows us by our judgments and our pitiful display of self righteousness.  He says that the outside of the cup looks great - but the inside, well, it is another story entirely.  It is filthy.  We constantly stand with the accuser and we condemn those who already know they should be condemned and we wound those that have the deepest wounds already.  Why is it so hard to love?  Why is it so difficult to remember what Jesus came to do?  He came to set the captives free.  To bind up our broken hearts.  He came to bring abundant life.  We have settled for so much less than this - and even in the name of righteousness.  When did I become such a Pharisee?  When did I forget that it isn’t about the law - but about the blood of Christ which brings freedom?  I am asking the Lord to give me words of healing and life.  I am asking God to move His Spirit within me in ways that I can’t explain apart from Him.  I am asking Him to renew with passion the love I have for Him as the keeper of my heart.  I want to laugh more, and love better.  I want to become all that He ever intended.  I want that for you too.  I want you to embrace whatever it is that He has called you to - and I want you to run forward as if He is the only thing you have.  When it all unravels, He stands firmly in place to be all that you need for this hour, and for each one to come. 

Grace and Peace to you this blustery winter day.