2 weeks, 1 day and 4 hours ago...

There are no words to describe the actual battle that is taking place in my heart this morning. Just a day over 2 weeks ago, on a morning much like this one, I woke that big man-boy up telling him over and over he was gonna be late if he didn't get out of bed.  He was in a real hurry, so we didn't even do our morning "good-bye Jacob" routine.  I was supposed to make him waffles.  I forgot.  So, an hour later, I texted him telling him I was sorry for forgetting.  He replied, "It's fine mom!!!"  Ha.  He always said that.  Or, "It's okay mom."  or my very favorite, "Calm down mom."  Ha!  He would text that to me in the middle of the day.  I would be working and get a random text that told me, "Calm down mom."  He always knew how to make me laugh.  He brought me a smile throughout every day with random texts and the way that he invited me in to his life.  It is rare that a boy, 15 years old, invites his mom to know about his school day - or his Bible study - or anything really.  But, he shared so much with me.  What a blessing.  What a gift.   

Reading my last post - about my brave little girl and how she belongs to my God... Knowing with all of my heart that God has purpose much greater than I can imagine in all that has taken place... it is still so hard for this momma heart in me to believe it is real.

My boy.
My 15 year old son...
My first born...

Well, he is resting - free from sin and pain and burdens. He is in Heaven with my Jesus, and my momma.

But, yet I am here. I am hurting to the depth of my soul this morning. As my body is racked with pain and my soul is crying out to God Most High for comfort... I am telling my God that He is worthy.
He alone is worthy!!

You see, when I said that all of my children are on loan from Him - I meant it from a deep place in my soul. He gave my son breath. He gave him life. He knit him together in my womb. That precious boy grew inside of me, and it was my joy to raise him.

It was my joy.

He honored me in a way that didn't make sense. That precious boy... but he had completed all the tasks he was assigned here. He walked in a way that spread joy and kindness. He always had a kind word. He had a quick smile - and a protective big brother heart. We are grieving the loss of much more than just a boy. He was a son - an amazing son. He was a brother... such a tender-hearted brother. He was such a source of strength for me. Yes, this morning, my pain is very real. My heart is torn - and there is a place inside of me that is just ready for my Savior to come and rescue me. I am ready to be taken from this world of pain and sorrow. That was what I said as I sat there next to his lifeless body.  I am so jealous.  You beat me - you are in the presence of Jesus before me!!  I hope he could look down and see my fit.  He would have laughed at me and said, "Calm down mom."

And this morning, we are in Houston - having an MRI done for Mia.  Normally, I don't think it would have bothered me much.  But, I recognized the fear in my heart as they took my little girl back.  She fought sedation (which is normal), but it shook me up.  I didn't like to watch her like that.  It stirred fear in my heart.  What if the enemy has asked to steal her from me too?  What if I just signed papers and something goes wrong... and then it is my fault...  Oh we have a very sly enemy.

Her life, her precious little life is not in my hands -nor is it in the hands of my clever enemy.  I can not make any decision regarding how long her time on this earth is.  If my son has taught me anything through this - it is that his time, his life, was always completely out of my hands.  And, it is the same with my precious daughters and sons at home.  They belong to my God.  He created them... knit them together... and then gave them to me as gifts on loan.  I love to be a momma.  I really love it.

I guess, because this is long, I will wrap it up... God is worthy.  He alone is worthy of the pain in my heart.  He holds every tear of mine in a bottle.  He does not delight in my grieving.  He grieves with me.  He has provided many friends and family to grieve with me as well.  But, life does go on.  It has to go forward.  And, as we put one foot in front of the other, I am comforted by the truth that my God is walking both before me and behind me.  He is going to stay right beside me through all of this.  He will be my strength and my shield.  My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.  

Brave little one...

I suppose it is time that I share publicly that we have no shortage of trials right now.  But, I would be remiss to omit that I am NOT losing heart.  God is so very faithful.  You see, my circumstances don't get to dictate if that is true or not.  That is true, it is up to me whether or not I want to believe it. 

We had to take Mia to the ER a few weeks ago for a seizure.  It was very minor.  She felt it coming on - and she was such a brave girl.  We had a CT scan done, and they had great news - there is nothing in her brain (no tumors or growths) that are causing her to have seizures.  We scheduled an EEG the next week for more extensive testing.  She was such a good girl.  She did everything the nurse asked her to do.  I am so proud of her - she was nervous, but she wasn't showing it in outward ways.    This was her second seizure.  In four years, 2 seizures is a very small number.   I noticed during this EEG test, when she was blowing the pin wheel, she stopped blowing and looked very blank.  It occurred to me that she couldn't do it anymore, but then she "came to" again and continued to blow.  Her results came back showing there was an abnormality in relation to the hyperventilation test.   When my doctor called me, I wasn't shocked, but I was sad.  As a mommy, I want to protect my kids from everything that is hard.  But, that isn't what God has asked of me.  I do not get to keep them from the hard parts of life.  I get to teach them how to navigate those hard things.   We will go to a neurologist this next Thursday to get a better explanation and create a plan to make sure she gets everything she needs. 

I have no words to describe the depth of love in my heart for my daughter. 

All of my children are treasures from Heaven.  I am honored to be their mom.  I am blessed beyond measure.  And, I say with full assurance that my God loves them all more than I do.  I know with all of my heart that this is true. 

He knit my Mia together.  There is nothing hidden from Him.  That includes the way her body operates.  He sees and knows it all.  The peace I have in my heart knowing that her life is not in my hands, or the hands of any person is beyond comprehension.  Her life is now, and has always been in the hands of my Faithful God.  The creator of the Universe.  He is fully able to restore her.  And, He adores her.  I do not know if she will need any medication, now or ever.  I do not know what things we will need to adjust or what things we will need to monitor more closely.  I know that epilepsy can most times be fairly well controlled with medicines. 

But, just having this come up stirs something deeper inside of me.  None of us are guaranteed health.  None of us are guaranteed life this day or the next.  None of us.  We do not control what comes into our lives on a grand scale.  We can only choose how to respond when things come up.  I want to respond with full out trust of my God.  I want to wholeheartedly respond with worship.  Because, I also know that He has every right to take any of my children home with Him at any time.  They are all on loan to me from Him.  It is my job to raise them, protect them from harm, and teach them to honor Him with their lives.  But, I have no control.  I do not get to choose which battles they will have to fight in this life, and I certainly can't control the choices they make as those battles come.  I simply have the privilege to teach them what His Word says is best.  I have the honor of relaying His faithfulness to them each day, whatever may come.  I trust Him.

Hear me when I say I trust Him.  With all of our lives, with everything in our lives.  He will not fail us.  He will not let us down.  He works everything together for our good.  Everything.  So, as you think of us... as you see that picture of my brave little girl, please pray that we will have opportunities to love on other people who are struggling through hard times.  Please pray that we will rightly reflect the power and love of God to us - so that others may find the peace that passes understanding in their own hearts as well.  We have a gift in this.  We have a gift to share with others.  I know that God will provide everything we need to get through this just like every other thing that comes into our lives that we didn't ask for.   

Unexpected times of rest...

Today, I feel like poop.  I have the flu.  Stupid flu.

Seriously, I am such a baby when I don’t feel good.  I really just want my mommy, if I am honest. 

But, it affords me the opportunity to sit - snuggled in my very soft blankie with a fire in the fireplace and read and write.  So, in that - there is beauty.  Great beauty, actually.  This is one of my favorite things to do... and the weather is perfect for it!  Again I am so thankful for my job - and the grace I am given to be able to be home when I need rest.

I am struck today by the vastness of God’s understanding.  His ways are so far beyond my own.  I believe that He crafted each on of us - and therefore He knows us full well.  He sees every good thought - and every wicked one.  He sees every act of kindness, and every selfish one.  Nothing in all of creation is hidden from His sight.  That stirs in me two different emotions.  Fear - because I don’t even know my own heart half the time, and peace, because He saw me just as I am - and He chose me anyway. 

Misty Edwards sings it in a song like this, as if God were singing over you: “I knew what I was getting into when I chose you.  I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, and I said it just the same... I knew what I was getting into when I chose you - and I am not shocked by your weakness, I am not shocked even by your sin...  I am not shocked by your brokenness...” 

I love the truth of those words.  Nothing I do or say or think catches Him off guard.  Nothing is beyond His ability to heal and redeem.  Nothing is out of His capable hands.  Nothing.  It is staggering for me to think that He is not limited  - because I have so many limitations.  I recognize now, more than ever the weakness of my flesh.  I see the pull constantly to take my life in my own hands.  I am just thankful that - He - even though He sees it too, still calls me His beloved.  His beauty, His delight. 

Truly, He fulfills the deepest longings in my heart.  He wants to fill your heart too.  He wants to prove Himself to you.  He is fully capable.  I think of that every day as I look at some things going on in my life.  He is absolutely able - and limited by nothing.  He created me with passion and dreams and He didn’t do that to torture me.  He did that because He wants to watch me unwrap them in His timing.  It is the same for you.  Geez, His timing is strange to me.  But, He knows everything.  He knows how one thing will affect another all the way down through time.  He sees it all - and He knows if what you are asking is good for you or not.  He knows if your heart is ready for the responsibility of that thing you desire.  Psalm 84:11 says this, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

He is not holding out on you as you think He is.  That is a lie from the very pit of Hell.  He just fully knows what is good - and what is not.  I have found myself asking Him for a lot of things lately.  But, quickly following it up with - “Lord help me to want what is best - not only what I think is best.”  I trust Him.  More now than at any other time in my life.  I have no concern that He will turn His back on me - even in the most desperate of times.  He is trustworthy and true. 

I look at the suffering in the world - and though I am not surprised - He told us of the days that are coming... I am saddened at how far His church is from being the instrument of healing He intended it to be.  He says the world should know us by our love one for another, and yet, I think if we are honest, we could say that the world knows us by our judgments and our pitiful display of self righteousness.  He says that the outside of the cup looks great - but the inside, well, it is another story entirely.  It is filthy.  We constantly stand with the accuser and we condemn those who already know they should be condemned and we wound those that have the deepest wounds already.  Why is it so hard to love?  Why is it so difficult to remember what Jesus came to do?  He came to set the captives free.  To bind up our broken hearts.  He came to bring abundant life.  We have settled for so much less than this - and even in the name of righteousness.  When did I become such a Pharisee?  When did I forget that it isn’t about the law - but about the blood of Christ which brings freedom?  I am asking the Lord to give me words of healing and life.  I am asking God to move His Spirit within me in ways that I can’t explain apart from Him.  I am asking Him to renew with passion the love I have for Him as the keeper of my heart.  I want to laugh more, and love better.  I want to become all that He ever intended.  I want that for you too.  I want you to embrace whatever it is that He has called you to - and I want you to run forward as if He is the only thing you have.  When it all unravels, He stands firmly in place to be all that you need for this hour, and for each one to come. 

Grace and Peace to you this blustery winter day.   

Rejected and Despised

photo credit to: some sweet soul on pinterest

Tonight I am struck by Isaiah 53. 

I know we are in the season of preparation, expectation and waiting for the King of Kings to come and rescue us - to come and give us hope.  Indeed, it is a sweet time of waiting.  Waiting for our Humble King...

But, I am struck again and again at what it cost Him. 

I am reading in my NLT and I am seeing that “He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief... We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way.  He was despised and we did not care.” (Isa. 53:3)  Yet it was our weaknesses He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down. (vs. 4)

It was me - it was my sin that weighed Him down.  It was because I was weak that He was rejected and despised.  I would have looked the other way - and He was suffering, not because of something He did, but because of the many things I would do that would keep me from God if He didn't take it upon Himself. 

Oh my heart is grieved at the thought of that!  Verse 5 says that “He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed.” 
He desires for me to be whole and healed.  Oh the thought of that... whole and healed.  Beautiful!

He was unjustly condemned.  Then, this sentence holds such beauty... “When He sees all that is accomplished by His anguish, He will be satisfied.”  This reminds me of, “and for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross...” (Heb. 12:2).  He is satisfied, even rejoices in the accomplishment of that anguish - of that rejection, of that grief!! 

That is so contrary to man!  I know myself.  I know that I do not enjoy being despised and rejected - no matter what it accomplishes!  In fact, over the last few years the Lord has shown me how greatly I am disrupted not to have the approval of man - in any area of my life.  I love to love - and I love to be loved.  I do not love to be rejected.  I do not love to be unjustly condemned.  These are things that I fight with everything I have against.  This would not be something that brought me joy - or satisfaction.  But, He knew.  He knows...  There was no other way.  I could never have been enough.  I couldn’t do it.  (Isaiah 64:6, “...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags...” and Romans 3:10, “There is no one righteous... No not one.” and Ro 3:20 which says that,  “no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands.  The law simply shows us how sinful we are.” 

Amen. 

I will never be righteous like the Pharisees.  I am just not that disciplined.  Seriously, I can't even "diet" very well.  I can’t follow all those rules.  It gets far too heavy.  I am not excusing my sin - merely pointing out the obvious.  I am sinful.  I need a Savior - both for salvation and for the daily walking out of my faith.  Desperately!  Sometimes I am still shocked at the depth of my own darkness.  Sometimes I am still so disappointed that I can not walk perfectly.  He is so worthy!  He is so very worthy!!!  But, Jesus knew I couldn’t - and you couldn’t either.  And, He counted it as joy - and declared his anguish as satisfactory because of what it accomplished.  I do not understand love like that.  I do not possess love like that apart from Christ.  Truly, He alone can stir our hearts to love in such a selfless way. 

“And because of His experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for He will bear all their sins.”  Because of His love.  Because He was willing to be rejected over and over and considered a rebel - I can know eternity with a perfect and Holy God.  That is stunning.  Simply stunning. 

He has captured my heart.  I am ravished in my heart for a love like that.  A love that is willing to endure so much pain and suffering - so that I could have peace.  Whew. 

What a Savior!  What a King!  “O Come let us adore Him.  O come let us adore Him. O come let us adore Him. Christ the Lord.”

Three little words...

I don't know.

More and more I am finding that I come to God saying "I don't know".  I actually am finding that there is freedom in that.  To know that I don't know - but He does.  To know that there are things I cannot make sense of - but, it doesn't matter.  God doesn't ask me to know or be able to explain the deep and hidden mysteries.  He asks me to love Him.  He asks me to love others.  He asks me to tell others that He loves them.  He asks me to obey Him.  He is surely far beyond my understanding.  And, I am okay with that. 

I haven't always been. 

I have said I understood things that I couldn't possibly have understood.  I have wounded those that were already wounded because I didn't understand, and yet, claimed that I did.  But, by His grace, and through His mercy, I have had the opportunity to see the ways I was hurting the Lord by hurting those who loved Him that I didn't understand or agree with. 

I have a dear friend... one whom I prayed with, one whom I loved deeply.  I did not fully understand her situation, nor did I fully understand what the Word had to say to her... and when she was wounded, I wounded her further by my lack of love.  I thought I was loving her - through rebuke.  I really did.  I thought that I would "straighten her out" with the Word.  How arrogant I was to think that I understood her situation or that I was telling her something she hadn't already searched out for herself.  We hadn't talked in many years.  Essentially, I told her she would have to forgo my friendship in order to walk in the path she was headed in.  And, I have only just realized this month how much I owed her an apology.  My heart ached at the ways I wounded her when all she really needed was someone to lean on.  Someone to tell her that God is enough.  God is able to heal and to help and to rescue. 

I had the privilege to find her this past week and tell her how sorry I was, and to ask her to forgive me.  And, she had the grace to forgive me.  That is the goodness of the God we serve.  I was wrong.  I asked for forgiveness and she extended it to me.  I love her - and I am thankful that God alone carried her through her trial.  She is stronger and even more full of grace than before. 

I want to be one who brings words of life and healing and hope to people who are broken... I don't want to bring death with my words.  I don't want pride to stand in the way anymore.  Though, I am confident that God wants us to speak the Truth in love, and to call sin - sin... I am going to pray more than I speak (hopefully) and use my words to build up rather than tear down. 

I am human.  I am so very flawed.  I sin every single day.  I am selfish.  I am prideful.  I am weak.  I am wounded - and I wound others.  And there is still so much that I don't know.  The beauty of salvation is not that I will never struggle with sin - or that I have become perfect - it is that I have the encouragement and the ability to never stop struggling against sin.  I want to wage war on the sin in my life - and encourage others to do the same.  I want to rest that the work has already been done for my salvation.  But, to live in such a way to speed the coming of the Eternal King (2 Peter). 

I heard it put this way, and I love it - so I will share it.  Both sheep and pigs end up in the mud.  But, there is a distinct difference to their response.  Sheep struggle and kick and fight to get out and pigs wallow and roll and fight to stay in.  The farmer can come to rescue both of them, and the sheep will be thankful for the help out - and have a real desire not to get back in... but the pigs return to the mud as quickly as they can - because they love to be covered in filth.  As believers, we are not lovers of sin that struggle with God.  We are lovers of God that still struggle with sin.  The really important question is not do you struggle with sin - it is do you struggle to love God?  The beauty of being a believer is the ability to admit when you mess up.  Not the inability to admit you mess up.  

These are just things I have been thinking of and there is much more... but for now, I will leave it at that.  Love God and struggle against sin.  And, I encourage you, when you have sinned against someone - tell them that is the case, and ask for their forgiveness.  No matter their response, you can walk forward knowing that your humility will be noted by the One that matters, and ultimately, you will have done more for the Kingdom that you could ever do while you are in pride.

Blessings to you on this beautiful day.

Before we even ask...

More and more lately I am in awe of God and His provision.

He knows what we need before we even ask.  He is not caught off guard by any of our circumstances.  He is not surprised by any event that happens in our lives.

He is not angry and ready and waiting to beat us down when we mess up.  He is, rather, sitting - ready and willing to show us how to live in abundance when by earthly standards, we would be labeled in poverty. 

I so prefer His abundance to the world's.  I mean it.

Last night I was talking with my oldest - Jake.  I was telling him how we couldn't travel for Thanksgiving because I need four new tires before we can go anywhere that far away.  I told him it wasn't in the budget at all this month, but I would get tires before Christmas.
He looked at me and said, "Are you sure we will have the money before then?"  I had to be honest.  I told him that I didn't know how we would have the money, but God knows everything we need before we even ask.  I also told him that God loves to bless us in only the way He knows how... and that if we are supposed to be traveling by car at Christmas God would provide what we need.  This morning, I walk out to find a beautiful fall display - and inside - a jar... full to the top with coins, and beside it "Aladdin" which just happens to be in my top 5 Disney movies of all time - and one that we don't already own!  What???

You cannot imagine how excited I was to go wake Jake up and tell him about it - actually, I let Jared... after we both sat with our mouths open for a while.  It hadn't even been 12 hours and we had the money for 2 (maybe 3) of the four tires - and fruit roll-ups and a GREAT movie.

We sorted the money tonight and all took turns (including Jude and Mia) praying a blessing over the someone/someones who put that gift together for us.  I pray that they can somehow know how God used their gift to drill into my kids hearts the very Faithfulness of the God we serve.  It was amazing to watch them grasp His love to our family through that gift. 

I was overwhelmed.  I am so thankful.  I do not doubt that God will provide for our every need.  Month to month it gets a little uncomfortable.  But, more than once my yellow gas light has come on, and I have not known how we were going to put gas in the car - and when I get to my office, there is a little envelope on the floor with money for the tank.  More than once, I have been uncertain by the middle of the month how we would make it to the end- and yet, every single day God proves Himself Faithful.  He knows what we need before we ask - and He knows EVERYTHING we need.  He knows every desire in our hearts.  He knows every thought before we think it.  We are fully known by Him, and we are fully loved.

This song came to mind this morning as I stood and stared at the sweet wooden word "FAITH" that was included in our basket of love...

How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure...

Praise His name - His holy name.  He is righteous and loving in all that He does. 

Seriously, a political post - from me?

Oh dear. 

I don't speak my views on FB or Twitter on politics very often, or at all.  I talk about Jesus, because I am deeply in love with Him.  I talk about God because He has always been Faithful to me.  He is good and everything He does is good.

I will not be sharing who I am voting for here.  So, if you are curious... well, you will just have to stay that way.  I will not be condemning you for how you vote either.  I will not stand before God for you, nor will you stand before God for me, so in those things, I say - you must vote your conscience.  If you have a clear conscience before God, then you should vote according to that - and I would caution - only according to the whole Word of God.

Here are the top three things I hear that I despise.  Truly, I despise these things when I hear them:

1.  "I am voting for the lesser of two evils."  What does God think about that?  Not that I know the mind of God - His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are far above my own.  But, I don't think that He distinguishes the lesser of two... I think He just calls all evil, evil. 

2.  I don't want to "throw my vote away", so I have to vote for one of the two main candidates.  When you stand before the Lord, you will not give answer for who was elected.  You will give answer for who you voted for.  Did you choose God's man - based on the things you can't see on the outside, or did you choose the one that looked so good on the outside, but who had already been rejected by God?  Surely, my vote will not get the man elected President - but  when it was time to appoint a King, after Saul had grieved the Lord and lost His annointing, God had Samuel go to the House of Jesse.  He said that the new King would come from that family.  When Samuel asked Jesse to bring out all of his sons, David was not among those standing there.  For all practical purposes, he was a "throw away vote".  Samuel went down the whole line of sons - and God spoke very clearly that the one He had chosen was not present.  So, Samuel asked Jesse - do you have any more sons?  Jesse then sent for David and we know the rest.  God does not get swayed by the media.  Nor, does He go with the popular vote.  David was smelly, tending sheep in the pasture.  Likely, he needed a good scrubbing - and he did not appear to be a strong King.  Yet, God set His endorsement on David, even calling him a man after God's own heart.  Whew.  I'll take THAT endorsement ANY day over the endorsement of the media, or any other man.

3.  "I am just not going to vote."  The one thing I will tell you is that we are responsible to do that which we can to contribute to the fate of our nation.  I have but one vote, but I do believe it is my moral responsibility to use that vote and to the best of my ability cast it for God's man.  Not the man that professes with his own mouth to be a Christian... who will ultimately lead millions to Hell.  Nor the man that cares not for the sanctity of human life.   But, for the man upon whom God has given His approval.

Search it out for yourself.  Do the research and come to a place that you can stand confident in your decision.  There are not only two candidates - no matter what the media says.  Don't complicate something that God has made simple.  God does not hold us responsible for the fate of our nation and the result of the election.  He only wants our faithfulness for that which we possess - our vote.  

I know this topic can be "heated" - however, this blog is not the place to bite or devour one another based on your beliefs and opinions.  Please do not tear down a person or a candidate here.  I will remove that type of post.  This is not for us to judge one another.  Simply be concerned with your responsibility and leave it to the One who can judge fairly for everybody else.  And that is all I have to say about that!! :)

Love y'all...