Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow... oh tomorrow. I don't have words in my heart to describe all of the things I feel about tomorrow. What a precious day. Praise flows from my heart... our little girl... our miracle baby girl... We will finally get her birth certificate. We will get her social security card. We will officially give her a new name. She has always been our little girl in our hearts. This ceremony will not make her ours. God made her ours before the world began. But, this ceremony, this precious ceremony will be when we make a covenant before our families, and before our God that we will care for her for all of her life with the love that God has given us - that we will raise her according to His Word. She will be, finally... adopted.

I wish my mom were here. How beautiful that the very day that my mom passed away 16 years ago is the day that we will finalize the adoption of our precious daughter. But God has given us hope. It hit me several months ago that God really intended for us to all be a family forever! Though heaven is not about reuniting with loved ones we have lost... it is simply about being in the presence of the Only one Holy... the Lord God Almighty - and worshipping Him forever and ever.... it is still true that I will see my mom again. And she will see my kids. She will know them forever and ever. I don't know what that looks like. I only know that our fleeting time here is NOTHING in comparison to FOREVER! I was 17 when I lost my mom. That means that next year I will have lived as long without her as I did with her. Hear me when I say our time on Earth is so small in comparison to all of eternity. The Bible says it is only a breath. Think of that... One breath. How fleeting is that? How many breaths do we take in just one hour... one day... and one breath.... I want to grasp this. I want to live for the forever side of life.

All of this to say that my heart rejoices in what the Lord has done for us. The Lord is faithful in everything He does. He is good and everything He does is good. He is Holy. He is Worthy. He is Beautiful. He is Sovereign. Praise His Name! Praise Him for the works of His hands!

Psalm 103

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

"Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 This morning my heart aches for some of the things that I feel like the Lord has put deep in my heart. Being that I am human and finite in wisdom, I am sad. I see circumstances that seem to shout that certain dreams in my heart will never come to pass. I doubt which things are really put in there by the Lord and which are the plans of my heart. All of it I hold in my open hands, above my head... asking for God to pluck out those things that are my purposes, my plans. And those that are His, I am asking for Him to grant me belief. It is scary to share the many things in my heart here. Though, I know that not many read this.. and those that do for the most part love me and want good things for me... It is hard to be so vulnerable as to say that my heart longs to sing. I want to sing His praises. It is a strange thing how I have missed this. It is hard to explain... but all the same my heart aches. I am not sure that I am even making sense... but I know that there is a plan deep in my heart to honor my King through worship... now if I can just figure out if it is my plan - or His purpose... I know that in this time He purposes that I would worship Him in the ways that I can. I don't just think of worship as singing corporately, or leading worship... and yet, this is the stuff that I long for... sitting with a small handful of people whose hearts are set on seeking this King... this Creator... and lifting our voices and hearts in worship of Him who is so WORTHY! I am aching for this worship. And in the meantime, I know that He hears my heart singing to Him even now as I listen to "The more I seek you"... He hears me when I can't sing out loud... and yet I cry longing to sing out loud - from the rooftops even, of His faithfulness.... "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless, O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." Yes and Amen.

Oh beautiful mountains!!

Today is an amazing day! I am looking (right now) at snow capped mountains and sitting in the 65* weather of beautiful Estes Park, Colorado. I am on the balcony of my hotel room with my husband working 10 feet from me and my precious daughter playing in her crib (which was added to our room at no charge!) I am about to settle in with my blanket (I am in the shade and a little chilly) and my Bible and spend time in the Word. Does it get any sweeter than this?

It looks like if I climbed the tall mountain I could reach in and get a handful of the clouds. The breeze is blowing... the sun is shining. Really, God is an amazing Creator. Mia is becomming our most well-traveled child. At 5 months old she has already been to San Antonio, Kansas City, Colorado and several more cities in Texas. She is really getting around! In the Summer she will add DisneyWorld and possibly Silverton, CO to that list. Lucky girl! :) Today I am thankful for a creative Creator. I am thankful for Elk walking through town and snow on the mountains. I am thankful for expensive sandwich shops that remember your name and thoughtful hotel personnel who bought flowers for our room since they knew it was our anniversary. What? That is crazy. So sweet, and so wonderful. Yesterday was difficult... lots of time in the car, on the plane, in the rental car place and the drive to Estes Park, but today, all the hecticness fades a little bit every hour. Anyway, the kids are all doing wonderfully!

Ken and I got an email from one of Jacob's teachers that was so sweet. It bragged on and on about what a great kid he is - respectful and considerate... such a good student and a blessing to have in class! Maddy is a loving and super-smart girl who is now fluent in Spanish. Jared is up and coming on his Spanish and an absolute precious child! For mother's day - he made me flowers, picked me flowers, treated me to ice-cream with his money... and told me over and over that I was the best mommy in the world. He is my thoughtful boy! Jake also took me to lunch on his money and Maddy has a whole coupon book of things I can redeem.. ice-cream, dvd, lunch.... precious!!!

Jude is with Aunt Lisa and having a blast being spoiled! He is really hilarious now. He can communicate really well... he tells me when he is hungry ("eat, eat") or when he wants to "go". He knows all about juice and straws and candy in the candy jar. That is "peas, peas?" So precious! He really is growing up (with a mouth full of teeth!)

And then there is Mia... oh Mia. We have been stopped literally for over an hour combined on this trip (less than 2 days) with people asking us about her... it is funny. Precious and funny. She is really captivating! What an angel. She was so precious on the plane... so sweet on the drive and so great while we eat! She falls asleep with no drama and is just content to coo at herself in the mirror as we drive. She is spoiled, but so worth it!!!

All in all, I again say that I might be the MOST BLESSED lady in the whole world!!

Busy busy and ready for summer!

It's easy to see how life has become too busy when I think about all that the Lord has accomplished over the last month and I haven't even written about it. The biggest news... our birthmother signed the voluntary relinquishment papers, which means that we don't have to terminate her rights. It was beautiful. The Lord in all of His Sovereign majesty saw fit to bring her to just the right place at just the right time. It was nothing short of a miracle - and I want you to be able to praise the Lord with me! He is gracious and compassionate... slow to become angry and abounding in love. He is the Creator of the ends of the earth. The Everlasting God. The God who saves. This is now my prayer - again. I am asking that He will pull her from the depths. I am asking that He will reach His mighty arm down from on high and save her soul. But, in this time He has also taught me that we are not just to seek His arm... His arm that provides. He longs for us to seek His face. To seek Him. Simply, He invites us to know Him... which is much better than any gift that His arm might bring.

I am called to be a woman of prayer. I seek His arm literally all day long. But, it is in the still moments... those quiet times when all the kids are asleep and there is little else that could be done that He whispers to me... "Seek My face..." So, as David, I long for my response to be "Your face Lord will I seek..." Though there is nothing at all wrong with asking the Lord to provide for us, for our friends and family... there is nothing wrong with asking the Lord to reach down from on High and save... He wants us to ask Him to do those things. He loves to provide for us. But, He longs that we know Him. He says, "My beloved your companions are fortunate to hear your voice... let me hear it too." (Song of Songs 8:13.)

In June we will be able to finalize our adoption. Technically, that means that Mia will be recognized by the State of Texas as our daughter. Her new birth certificate will be printed and she will be Mia Destiny Simmons. She will officially be "adopted". That reminds me of something that we have to claim. Many people don't even realize that they think that adoption somehow means "less". I will tell you what I mean. Didn't we tease our friends or siblings about being adopted when we wanted them to feel like they didn't belong? That is rooted in something that Satan has been trying to do in our hearts since before we could ever understand. He wants us to feel like adoption is less, because if we ever really got it... that we are adopted by the King... well... let's just say it wouldn't bode well for the dark kingdom. Can you imagine if for one day you really lived like you were a Daughter of the King? Princesses live in castles (okay going to fairy tale land for a minute). They wear beautiful dresses, they have favor with the King. They get to eat at the royal table and ride in the royal coach. They have beds that are soft and comfy and they are never in a place of want. Even think of Princess Diana. Though, I don't really know what it was like to be her - one thing I really understand - it was easy to grasp... she had favor before the people. She was recognized as a princess. She was royalty and there was a certain air about her that made people have respect for her. I don't mean to ramble... but really, we just don't understand. The Bible tells us that we are now co-heirs with Christ. We are a royal priesthood. But we spend most of our lives living as if we were a pauper.

Can you imagine if we dressed our biological children in beautiful clothes and we dressed our precious Mia in rags? What if we didn't have a seat at the table for her, so she had to eat alone a distance away from the table? And yet, isn't this the image that you have of yourself with God? You aren't "worthy" to eat at the royal table? You are less because you are not a natural born child of His? We aren't worthy on our own. We are unable to be holy enough to get to our God. He is perfection and beauty and purity. We are filthy. But, that is why the promise is so sweet. That is why the gift of Jesus is everything we need to hold on to. His (Jesus') righteousness was put on my account when I came to know Him as my Savior. My outstanding debt was wiped clean and His righteousness was posted to me. God views me as His child. God does not see me as less. He does not look at me as the one He felt obligated to save. I want Him to continue to teach me about this. But, I want you to know this... I never knew until we had Mia in our home to love what adoption really meant. I am an imperfect person. I do not love perfectly like God does. But, I can promise you that this precious baby girl is not loved less. Many times I actually forget that she didn't come from my body. She is my daughter. Before time began, God had written her on my heart and she is my child - not one bit less than my biological children. She isn't somehow inferior to her brothers and sisters. We love them all the same. There is no exception with our Mia.

God is opening my eyes about how much we should rejoice that we have been adopted as His children. Ephesians 1:5-12 says it this way, "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.... in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ may be for the praise of His glory."

I was laying out on the trampoline. Two precious babies asleep, three big kiddos in school... and I was having a moment of quiet peacefulness and talking with the Lord. In that sweet time, the Lord etched something on my heart that was so sweet. I will conclude this long note with it. My prayer is that I would no longer let the enemy steal from me my inheritance, and that you wouldn't let him steal it from you either. I know how much I love Mia. I know how there is no difference, nothing "less" about my love for her. I want to understand more clearly how that applies to me in regards to our Perfect, Loving Daddy. Lord, help me get it...

I Am Chosen

I was chosen by the Creator before the world began.

He formed me in my mother’s womb and chose to give me life and call me His child.

I was chosen to receive this life by my birth-mom

who carried me inside for 8 months instead of ending my life by abortion.

I was chosen by my adoptive family, both in their hearts before they knew me,

and now physically as they get to love and care for me.

I was chosen. I am chosen. I am dearly loved.

I am loved by my Creator - God. I am loved by my birth-mother.

I am loved by my adoptive family.

I am not less because I am adopted.

I have been given a chance at life.

I am chosen. I am cherished. I am loved. I am adored. I am adopted.

Sweet Stillness!

I wish you could be here with me. Well, that is not entirely true. I wish you could be somewhere like I am able to be right now. But, honestly, I am really enjoying my time alone. It is 65 degrees. The sun is out - with a few clouds - and the breeze is cool. Birds are singing all around me and I am sitting on a balcony overlooking beautiful trees - and in the distance - a quiet lake. There is a hush in the air. A stillness, a peacefulness that I rarely partake of at home.

I had hours this morning of worship. Sometimes singing... sometimes praying... sometimes just sitting in stillness before the Lord, and sometimes trying to erase the billion thoughts jumbled in my head. We sang a song that moved my heart. I want to sing it out loud - I want to play it on the piano. “All I want is you and all I need is found only in your heart.” The melody is almost haunting... it is so beautiful. It is as if it grips your heart and pulls you toward something you know to be true, but you rarely acknowledge as the truth by your actions.

Why it is easier here to skip a nap and study I am not fully sure of. The weather is perfect. The balcony doesn’t hurt anything, nor do the trees and birds. It is easy to see a stillness that exists in the earth. A quiet restfulness that isn’t sleep, but is as restful as if I had taken a long nap. My precious baby girl is sleeping peacefully downstairs. She has been a delight.

I am so aware of the sin in my life right now. Though it isn’t as if the Lord is bringing it all to light to slay me with it. It just breaks my heart that it is keeping me from intimacy with Him. I have been eating like a crazy woman. I am constantly craving sweets and things that are not necessarily healthy for my body. And I am giving in a lot to those cravings of my flesh. I have given in to the desire for sleep and the desire to feed my flesh so often. It is like I am given over to desires that Jesus came to free me from. It isn’t that He doesn’t want me to have sweets, or to get sleep... He commands us to rest - to take a Sabbath... and yet, I am so unbalanced in the way that I choose to live in these areas. I have always been quite the extremist. One day completely abstaining from the things that numb my heart and the next indulging until I am almost sick from the emptiness gained from the filling of my flesh.

I am reminded of (and thankful for) Paul’s words in Romans “who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Yes, praise be to God for Jesus who made atonement for all of the sin of the earth. So that if we but receive the gift of Grace given to us - we can be free from this sin that easily entangles! This is beautiful in Hebrews.. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak Samson, David...) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” He did it all for the joy set before Him. And do you know what that joy is? He is now at the right hand of the Father - for eternity! And because of His sacrifice, we will one day join Him in Heaven. Why is it so hard to live this life as if it is as temporary as it really is? We will be here just a moment, and then it will all pass away and only the things done for eternity will last! I want to get this!!! Well, I am off to spend more time in the scriptures. What an amazing day! I am so thankful for my husband who allows me this time... this time to get away and be still with the Lord. What a precious gift he is to me. What a precious gift he has given me!

Thankfulness...

“If you have played the fool and exalted yourself, or if you have planned evil, clap your hand over your mouth! For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” Proverbs 30:32-33

So, in my life I have certainly played the fool. I am afraid that my biggest struggle is that of exalting myself. It is ugly to say - especially to share... but it is true. It has been often that I exalt myself in my mind (and to others). I love to be noticed. I love to be told how wonderful I am. I feel as if I deserve that in many ways. God has been revealing some pretty ugly things inside of me lately. I love that about Him. He wants me to be holy. He wants me to bring Him glory in all that I do. But, the more I exalt me the less I exalt Him. It is the nature of things. John the baptist had this wisdom. It is why he said, “I must become less... He must become more.” Yes. That is the key.

I have been thankless. I have been self-centered. I have thought more highly of myself than I ought. I have been unforgiving. I have been lazy. There it is - all out in ink now.

Whew. That feels good. It feels good to just know that I can say all of those things and God loves me just the same. His opinion of me isn't diminished. I want to become a woman who gives thanks for all things.

I am married to an amazing man. I am married to a man who is just and loving. I am married to a man that desires to be a “good and faithful servant”. I praise the Lord for that. He is a very handsome man. He is my hero. He is my love.

I have five beautiful children. FIVE! Wow! I am so blessed. Three amazing sons and two beautiful daughters. How great is the love that the Father has lavished on us!

I want to write. I want to sing. I want to live a life that is fragrant with Worship of the King. The Only One Worthy. He is my Everything. I want that to pour from me like a beautiful melody. Like a song that makes everyone feel good and joyful. I want to bring sunshine to every place I go. I want to put off the things that are weak and frail and pick up the things that are strong in the Lord! I want my heart to be moved by the things that move His heart.

That is all for now. Not all that is in my heart. Just all I have time to share :)